Then Jesus said to the disciples, "Have faith in God. I assure you that you can so to this mountain, 'May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,' and your command will be obeyed. All that's required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. Mark 11:22-25
I can't remember the last time I thanked God.
My beautiful friend, Kale, was in town for an evening this past weekend and his convictions and words shook me to my core. Kale is one of my favorite people on this planet. We worked together for one hot summer in La Grange, Texas. Though my time at Lutherhill was short, the impressions that were made on my heart that summer continue to surprise me.
Greeting Kale with a hug and smile was just the beginning. Kale challenged me to dive into my issues, to identify my fear and unfaithfulness, and to deal with those issues through the God that I know but have become so distant from in the past couple of years.
At a time in my life when I am lacking a plan, control, or any sort of way to make it through my life alone, to have God put Kale back in my life was such a blessing. I can't even describe the joy in my heart that I felt watching Kale's joyful attitude, careful concern, and passion for me and my walk with God. To have a friend in your life that really loves you, despite your pitfalls, your lack of plan, and your crazy conductor ugly girl crying is something that I feel I have taken for granted. I was in awe of the love in my heart I had for my friend. Beyond that, I was in awe of the love of my God that he evoked in me in less than 24 hours.
The reason my life has been spiraling out of control is because I haven't been trusting the one with a plan. I don't care if you believe in a higher power or not, but if you try to control your life and each aspect in it, you will become the conductor of what I like to call the crazy train. You will cry, scream, stomp and kick your feet and be hopelessly unhappy. Stress and agony come along with the need for control and the more control I try to take, the less happy and fulfilled I feel.
At the end of Kale's visit, we sat in my dining room and sang "Psalm 121" together as he softly strummed the familiar tune on the guitar. I have been an avid camper goer since I was 10 years old and I can't tell you how many times I have sung that particular song. The lyrics are the same as the Psalm:
I lift my eyes up
Up to the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you
Maker of heaven
Creator of the Earth
Oh, how I need you Lord!
You are my only hope
You are my only prayer
So I will wait for you
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life
Like I said, I have probably sang that song over 1,000 times with each summer at camp both as a camper and on staff, however, this Saturday morning, I sang this familiar tune and felt these lyrics in my heart. I needed to be rescued.
Right before Kale got into the car to head home, he asked if he could pray with me. As I said previously, I cannot remember the last time I thanked God for anything. Each prayer that I send up is titled "Help me, help me, help me!" Kale began our prayer thanking God for our time together, for the journey ahead and asked me to finish the prayer. I took a deep breath and started to weep. It was a scorching Minnesota day, and my hot tears stained my face as I uttered, "God, I don't remember the last time I said thank you. But thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you." I don't remember much of what I said in my prayer, but my heart was so filled with joy as I prayed out loud for the first time in probably 2 years.
At first, my head said, "Stop Kaia. You're faking it. You are rusty at this and haven't done it in years." But, my heart took over as I more boldly prayed for things I didn't even know my heart needed.
Now, I've had this high before. Believe me. When you go to Bible camp, whether you're on staff or a camper, this high stays with you for about a week or two afterwards. You have a mountaintop experience, convince yourself that you are ready to make a change in your life, and that joy and perma-smile stay in your life for about two weeks after the mountain top ends and the fire in your heart is reignited. I've been here before. I've told myself, "Nope, this time it WILL stick" only to find out that when the mundane, cruddy parts of life come to the surface again, my crabby-negative attitude resurfaces and I'm back to the definitely not joyful Kaia.
Kale left on Saturday. Today, I got a flat tire on the way to my parent's house. It was about a million degrees outside (okay, maybe an over-exaggeration), and I had to have the car off so that the battery didn't die (it did anyway!). Typically, I would get insanely crabby about this type of situation. I would swear up and down, using language that would most definitely make my Grandma Marge send numerous emails about how I need to look those words up in the dictionary before I use them.
But, instead, I laughed. Can you imagine? Kaia Mathsen laughing over a flat tire? I laughed so hard I surprised even myself. I'm sure the sweet tow-truck man was thinking that I was on my way to the hospital to check myself in because that's how hard I was laughing. Not sweating the small stuff, not over-analyzing things, not worrying---these are all things I don't do. Typically, I sweat the small stuff. Typically, I over-analyze absolutely everything. Typically, I lie awake at night and worry my sleep away. Friday, Saturday, Sunday night, I slept like a baby. Didn't wake up until morning. I've had numerous opportunities to over-analyze since then, but I quiet my mind by saying, "Thanks for that thought, Kaia. I'm going to move on with my real life now instead of the what-if's and I wonder's." That flat tire? Didn't even get close to ruining my day.
I know there are going to be rough days. I know that my road ahead is so uncertain that even so much as where I am going to be sleeping is up in the air. However, after Kale's visit, I find that trusting God and His plans are much easier that stressing out over what I can't control. As Kale said "God always provides." Who am I to think that I deserve to be the one controlling the game? When I try to do that, I end up much more miserable than even.
My prayers for help were answered. My prayers for a peaceful heart were answered. My prayers for God to guide my steps are being answered as I prayerfully discern my next move. Whether I'm in Minnesota, New Mexico, North Carolina, or Brazil for that matter in the fall, God will be with me. If I trust him, my path will be straight. As Jeremiah 29:11 says: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
My God has been here all along. All I had to do was call out for Him. He's been here all along. Watch this video when you've got a chance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpChZxPfa-c
God created all of those things--and yet He is still here to lend me a hand and carry me when I'm weak and cannot walk. Though among those galaxies, I am insignificant, I am significant to God.
In the book, "Crazy Love", by Francis Chan -- he puts it so profoundly and perfectly by saying: "Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, [that behavior] communicates that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small indeed. Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are?"
I am a loved and baptized child of God, and tonight, that's where I choose to find my joy. I will let God worry about where I will be in the fall and with whom, and go on living my life in the hope of the resurrection.
Kale, if you ever read this, I hope you know how important your visit was to me and my little heart. You are blessed to be a blessing and disciple. Your spirit amazes me. THANK YOU! I will continue to thank God for you and pray for your witness to others.
Keep fightin' that good fight.
there's a light in the depth of your darkness
there's a calm at the eye of every storm
there's a light in the depths of your darkness
LET IT SHINE!
