laughter really is the best medicine.

i got to talk to my best friend last night for a whole hour. she and her husband just bought a house. how jealous am i? i am so thrilled for them! i even get a room there whenever i choose to visit and/or move back to albuquerque :)

we got to talking about how things used to be. you know, those awkward ages where nothing seems to work and your hair is growing, your period comes, and everything sucks. we had such a good laugh talking about all of the silly things we used to do. "you stole so and so from me" "your ass was so big" "i can't believe you were more popular than me" are some of those memorable quotes from our kick ass conversation.

i started thinking, why don't we laugh more? i have been in this negativity rut for some time now. normally, i can laugh things off. but for awhile i got so caught up in everything that was going on, i forgot to laugh. it felt so, so, so, so, so, great to laugh last night. we talked until 1 AM and i felt like were 13 again, giggling before bedtime, her mom telling us to be quiet from upstairs. it was so silly and simple, yet it put me back right where i belong.

in the midst of my finals, school finally coming to a close, and all the stress that seems to be piling up as high as an elephant in this brain of mine, i can't believe i lost sight of laughter.

i've been searching for the feeling that i had in china, and have found, quite frankly, that here, is unattainable. that feeling of contentment, no fear, no stress, absolutely nothing holding me back and saying, "what the hell, i'm in china once!" those late nights out, those early morning wake up calls, i was totally cool with it. . .when we were in china. i'm sure i got irritated and crabby (my choirmates will probably be happy to tell you about those times) but i'm pretty sure that it lasted merely 20 minutes at the most.

how do i find that here? by making those 1 AM phone calls, being crazy tired at work the next day because i was having a really great conversation, and saying, "what the hell, i only live once". those are the things that make my life. those are the things that keep me going. no matter how tired i am, no matter how irritated i am, there is always that attainable laughter. it's nice to know it's just a phone call away :)

amanda, i love you more than words can say. you are my best friend and i cherish you. thank you for setting me straight and getting me back to where i need to be. guess this means i need to think about moving back to albuquerque. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

and we'll all float on, okay :)

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way.

i was in the car the other day after a really horrible week. i was playing the cd game (playing cd's that i made when i was in high school, or younger) and modest mouse's "float on" came on my beautiful car stereo. if you know me, you know that i'm a sucker for song lyrics, good magazine articles, and quotes. i just love them. i feel empowered after i read some of them, some of them solely serve the purpose to make me recognize how silly i'm being. life isn't all bad. my favorite line of this song "bad news come, don't you worry even when it lands. good news will work it's way to all them plans. . .good news is on the way."

i miss the time in my life where i was the carefree girl, dancing in front of the picture window to "joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat" soundtrack and being the little diva that i perceived myself to be. where did loving child go?

i was joking with a girlfriend last night during our class--augsburg's special education department is really big on making us soon to be teachers reflect. i'm not kidding you, i'm really good at reflecting. it has moved from my professional life into my private life, so much so that i am reflecting on each and every event that happens. i'm realizing and becoming more cognizant of so many things. i was starting to get irritated with myself--it's kind of annoying going back and analyzing so many parts of your life. but there is so much more to be said about it--it forces me to recognize the many blessings and parts of my life that i've taken for granted. that child that i used to be. . .she's in there somewhere. i'm still the same person, i look at pictures of myself (proudly displayed in my room to keep me grounded...me, in a swimsuit, wearing goggles. yikes!) and realize that she's me. that playful girl whose life was put to a soundtrack (that i made) every day.

a family friend died a couple of weeks ago. a WWII vet, a great man, 92 years old, an amazing friend and mentor to me. i was really upset about his death and was grieving opening with my dad shortly after we found out about it. my dad made a comment that i will keep with me forever. . ."sing your way through this". now, i am all about choral music, so can you guess what i did? i got in my car to drive back up to the city, turned on "great hymns of faith" volume one, and i wailed. i sang so hard my lungs were on fire. as i was doing so, i felt like that little girl again. the little girl who sang herself through pain and sorrow, joy and exhilaration. the girl who threw her head back and laughed when something was funny. the little girl with no inhibitions--dancing underneath the oak trees and our family home in blooming prairie, not minding if anyone saw her or thought of her and her crazy self.

so now, i begin my quest. to find that little girl inside of me, wherever she is. i know she's there somewhere. little pieces of her come out on a daily basis--whether it's in an inappropriate comment i make about poop, or me getting yelled at from other cars to turn down "joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat" (that actually happened).

so here i am. searching again. searching for that little singer, that little inhibited curly girl.

we'll all float on, okay :) here goes nothing. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

the work force

this is what i did at work today.


i love my job :)

oh life.

isn't it funny how your life seems to be going down the tubes and all of the sudden something happens that restores your faith?

i knew it would happen, eventually. i just didn't think it would be today. i woke up today and was a little irritated because it is still raining. drove to work, started the daily grind. but something felt different for me today. i don't know what it is -- excitement, joy, happiness? something is different. and i love it.

i've realized so much within these last couple of days the power of friendship. whether it's running into an old friend from home, spending an afternoon with a roommate, or watching the nanny with a good pal, friendship is irreplaceable. it's so great to have positive, caring people around you to uplift your spirits and carry you when you're stumbling along. i have such wonderful friends and people around me. though i lose sight of that sometimes and complain . . . i'm richly blessed.

i am also richly blessed with such incredible parents. i went home this weekend to hang out with my mama since my dad is out of town--i had such great conversations with her. i got to talk to my dad a lot before he left too, so that was really fun. i wish everyone could have parents like mine. they are my best friends. so full of wisdom and compassion. how did i get so lucky?!

my heart does hurt a bit, though. i gave my puppy, izzy to some friends this weekend to keep. it just wasn't working out at my place. i miss her so much, but am so glad that i will be able to see her still. thank you, kayla and kari for taking such good care of her :) there is a sweet little boy, jackson, who gets to play with her and raise her now. she's in a good place.

my best friend is coming in today from texas! i'm so excited to see her and have dinner with her and her mom. she'll be here for a whole month. what a relief!

speaking of friends, one just popped into my office. time to go chat :)

fight the good fight,

+kaia

the "un"plan

truthfully, i don't even know where to begin. i have been staring at this computer screen for about 2 hours, trying to figure out how to preface this blog.

why, you ask, did you start one, then? because writing in notebooks and on scattered looseleaf notebook paper just isn't cutting it anymore. i lose it, or get lazy and don't want to have to hand write it. This way, i can look back on that particular moment in time--in type. and you can all help me decipher my reflections, feelings, and ideas along the way.

i'm entering into my last year at augsburg college in minneapolis. my last year in the big city. what am I going to do with this year? as of right now. . .i have absolutely nothing planned. get a couple of good grades, pass the minnesota teacher's exam, and then? and then? it seems like everybody else has a plan. go to grad school, get married, pay off loans. (unfortunately, i don't think i will be able to not do the loan paying).

for the first time in my life, i have absolutely no plans. which for me, is a really big deal. i'm a planner. i plan my outfits, i plan my toilet paper type, i plan . . . the list goes on and on. part of me believes that my parents instilled this planning in me. friday nights in the mathsen household would roll around and i was never allowed to do anything unless there had a been a plan set. they were under the impression that impromptu plans led to trouble. (and how right they were . . .) so all of my life, i have had a plan. a plan of where to go to college, what to major in, who to meet, who to marry, where to live, etc.

isn't it funny how everything in my life today is nothing like i planned it? every single plan i have made for myself thus far hasn't happened. sure, I am going to college. i planned that. sort of. i chose augsburg as a last minute choice, and almost transferred after my first semester. weird. i wanted to go the U of M or as a younger child thought that i would be at UNM. i thought that i would be somewhere else, with other people, preparing for a life that was going to be squeaky clean.

hilarious, kaia. for those of you that know me, you know that i've got a few wild hairs. it runs in the Mathsen family, i feel. i can cause more ruckus and make people crazy. it's just a part of my DNA. because of that wild hair. . .more and more unplanned bumps have happened along the way. i was talking to a friend the other day, questioning when this ruckus was going to stop and i was going to get my life back. he replied, "they're just bumps in the road. it's gotta stop sometime." really? when? give me an approximate date and time. please.

but then i got to thinking, what fun would life be without these bumps? sure, they're painful. some of them feel like someone is ripping your heart out with a dull knife. ouch! but looking back, how many of those bumps have made me into the person that (most days) i'm proud of? all of them. additionally, the bumps that i'm encountering now are nothing compared to where i've been. sure, i've had better weeks, better months, better times. but it can't rain forever, right?

and what about those exhilerating bumps? those bumps that make your heart race and your hands clammy? the exiting bumps? there are those bumps that change you and mold you and they're good. it reminds me a feeling i would get in my stomach when my dad would drive to my grandparent's farm in spring grove, minnesota. the windy and hill filled gravel roads were a treat to my childish spirit. i would giggle and coo with joy. although difficult to think of bumps as positive ones, there are those positive bumps that change and mold you just as much, if not more than the negative ones.

all of my void plans, all of the bumps in the road are actually apart of the "un"plan. the "un"plan that i've had faith in for years. does it always work out the way i want it too? absolutely not. will it ever work out the way i want it to? oh, God, i hope so. but that's what keeps me faithful. that's what keeps me trusting. the uncertainness of it all allows me to retain the faith that has kept me going, picked me up, and allowed me to actually live out the "un"plan. the "un"plan gives me the strength i need to keep on going.

so where will i be in a year or two? no idea. who will be by my side? well, i know of at least one person for certain :)

as my dad always says:

fight the good fight,

+kaia