i just had a conversation with a friend who has become much closer in the past couple of months.  we talked about all of the ups and downs of our lives, how we handle them, and what we can do to promote balance in our lives. 

it's funny how when you're in the midst of a conversation, you don't realize that you might reflect on it for the rest of the day or even pray about it afterward.  we are usually in such a rush to get the conversation over so that we can move on to the next thing that we don't take in all of those precious words or thoughts into much consideration. 

remember yesterday how i was searching for some kind of "slow down" to promote peace and balance in my life?  this morning, i got it.  we sat on my bed and drank coffee, chatting and catching up. 

friends promote balance.  good conversations promote balance.  vacations promote balance.  reflecting promotes balance.  shoveling produces balance. 

why can i not find balance in my life?  well, if i don't slow down and actually enjoy my life, i'm not going to find it.  the enjoyment of a quick dinner at a chinese joint, a conversation over coffee, the love of a new found girlfriend.  the laughter of my dad on the phone.  all of this makes my life pendulum more equal.  

the fear that i have about the life choices i'm making falls to the wayside during all of these events.  the stressors, the little things that i forget about when i'm in a foul mood make my life more rich. 

i view these writings as prayers--some of which i'm in a sour mood and am scowling up as i cry out to a God that i pray hears me...in others, i rejoice in the blessings that so richly placed in my life.  today, i look up and remember how blessed i am to feel the sunshine on my face, to have new friends scattered about my life, to have a clean home, a family, a puppy dog, a good man, and a loving God.

it's those little things that promote peace in our lives.  these little things are the very things that establish hope and faith in our lives. 

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars. The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

fight the good fight,
+kaia

i am really good at talking myself out of things.

i am also really good at justifying things in my mind as i see them appropriate.

i sit and negatively "self talk" myself.  i could do this all day long and convince myself that the world is out to get me. 

how crazy am i?  well--on a scale of 1 - tacos (sarah wheatcroft) i would say i'm taco bell.  i find myself looking at photos or over analyzing a certain comment or situation and i can seriously say that i think i am a crazy person.

i'm learning (slowly) that the best way to rid myself of this negative self talk is to communicate with those around me.  verbalizing the different things that i am talking myself into is the only remedy for this dangerous habit. 

i'm not sure when my walls will come down completely to let someone in.  i don't know how they got so high--but year after year--i have built my "babylon" and continue to do so.  as soon as something or someone comes along striving to get in, my little builders just keep on going.  they build these walls so high and turn me in to some kind of crazy person. 

of course, there are those people that we encounter that expedite this building process.  they tear us down so much that we feel like these construction workers in our minds have to go on a power trip building up around us so that we don't feel hurt, anxiety, pain, or sadness. 

but the reality of it is, what is life without those things?  where does learning and growth come from with out those crappy situations?  these walls that i've spent 22 years building--not all of those walls are negative.  some of them help me filter my thoughts in sticky situations so that i don't say or do the wrong thing.  some of them keep me from making decisions that would be unhealthy to me or those around me. 

in education we learn a lot about the frontal lobe and it's development through the years.  i can tell you that mine is developing right. about. now.  i used to be so carefree and my only care was my own well being.  i often wake up in the middle of the night worrying about my sister, my parents or my grandparents and wondering if they are alright at this present moment.  i hate driving in snow storms because of my family's history with car accidents.  i'm not a big risk taker any more.  i rarely drive over the speed limit and i get anxious when i put myself in situations that are uncomfortable for me.  changing shampoos is about the craziest risk i take. 

i find myself being so tightly wound that i can't relax.  today, i have a day off from school and teaching and yet--i have been up and down trying to think of things to do.  laundry, cleaning, letting the dog out...what can i do to keep myself busy? 

why can't i just settle the heck down and allow myself to breathe and enjoy my life and surroundings?  lately i feel like my life is going at such a colossal pace that i can't catch up.  i don't know how to catch up.  i look at the people around me who are taking everything in and enjoying their lives...and i?  i am catching my breath moving towards the next big event that i have to prepare for.  where along the line did i forget to breathe?

later in march i will be going on a trip to albuquerque to visit my best friend and her husband.  i'm bringing some quality minnesotan company along to enjoy it with me and am allowing him a little visual sense of where i grew up and where i come from.  i don't want to go on this trip catching my breath.  i want to be still...enjoy...breathe. 

i suppose at this point it's time for me to pray.  when all else fails, i need to pray for peace.  this peace is something new that i'm looking for.  i've found my "self" peace, i've found my "career" peace, my "spiritual" peace.  why am i so restless, anxious, and scared?

here come the prayers...

fight the good fight,
+kaia

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

i've received two valentine's in the mail this week.  both are from my grandparents. 

my mom's parents simply said "WE LOVE YOU!"  which was more than enough and so fitting for the day that is meant to be (more) filled with love than any other day.  naturally, i was already well aware of their love, care, and concern for me; especially since over the past 6 months they have been there for me beyond the measure of my imaginings.

my dad's parents valentine was a bit more lengthy.  my grandma wrote to me about how great i am going to be at teaching.  while i'm not certain i will be great at it everyday, her confirmation and words of affirmation were sure comforting.  i see so much of my self in her--even in the way that she writes a valentine.  strictly to the point--however, filled with so much emotion.  she wrote about how big of a blessing i am.  and how blessed i am to be a blessing.  how fitting.  how true.  my grandpa ended this particular valentine with "go for it, girl!"  as he ages, his sense of humor and understanding become even more ripe. 

i am blessed with a damn beautiful family.  i often wonder why so many families are in turmoil and then i remember the times that my own have been in those situations.  however, today i am grateful for my loving, compassionate, and supportive family.  i am so blessed to have an army of people to love and support me.  i have been seeing so much of them in my own actions and thoughts lately.  maybe as i age, my family "convictions" become stronger.  i find myself reveling in the things i am finding out about myself that solidify the fact that i belong in these families. 

for instance.  that famous "mathsen scowl" that i affectionately talk about.  my sister's got it, i sure as hell have it, and my dad has mastered it.  i fondly look back at my childhood and mimicking my grandfather's stoic stare as the grandkids played in the mud, left the door open when the air conditioner was on, or tried to get us all to sing christmas carols around the piano when nobody wanted to.  i cherish now those moments--those moments of "turmoil" when that mathsen scowl was ever present on all of our faces, but that scowl that made us a family.  even now, i am choked up to think about how we are all aging and everyone has moved onto their own lives...but we are still grounded in that scowl. 

another example--my grandma jamieson's relentlessness.  i mean this in the best sense of the word.  i have come to the realization lately that each and every one of the members of my family could take a lesson from her in this.  her perseverance in just about everything is astounding.  she does a kick ass job at everything that she does and she does it with pride.  we make "marge" jokes often--in such a loving sense--this woman has worked long and hard for everything that she has.  she is the glue that holds us together...those monthly birthday parties that we often loathe going to or planning but afterward are glowing because we all got to be together...those wouldn't happen without her.

my grandpa jamieson's kind, soft, and gentle way.  my grandma mathsen's compassionate soul and ever accepting presence.  my auntie kari's curly hair.  my auntie rita's beautiful singing voice.  my growing relationship with my mother's sisters.  my cousins--my god--my cousins.  look at us all now--hairstylists, doctors, teachers, social workers, students...all grounded in the God that gave us the example to love each other, forgive each other, and most of all stay together. 

need i go into the things i am grateful within my own family?  i sound like a broken record here.  my mother has inherited most of the kick ass qualities from both of her parents while still staying true to some genuine qualities she's acquired along the way. calling her at the end of a long day is the remedy to any anxiety or distrust that i have.  her comfort and reassurance have kept me going for days on end.  i'm proud to say that we have become best friends (through much of that turmoil i talked about earlier).  my dad has been my best friend since the day i could talk.  always, always, always, interested in what i have to say (unless it's about my credit card bill)...and always filling me with the hope and promise of Christ.  my sister--who fought with me tirelessly about the clothes i stole or the sunless tanner of hers that i used, has become one of my most trusted confidants.  her input and evaluation of my choices are irreplaceable.

i stress so much.  about absolutely everything.  tonight, i go to bed with my valentine's by my side.  as a reminder that i am loved.  i am grounded in such a strong faith.  i am blessed with an amazing nuclear family and an even more astounding extended family.  so, i press on to tomorrow.  reassured, comforted, and faithful. 

"Stay with us, Lord Jesus, stay with us.  Stay with us, it is soon evening.  Stay with us, Lord Jesus, stay with us--it is soon evening and night is falling.  Jesus Christ, the world's true light, shine so the darkness cannot overcome it.  Stay with us Lord Jesus it is soon evening.  Stay with us Lord Jesus for night is falling.  Let your light pierce the darkness and gleam with glory on your church.  Stay with us, Lord Jesus, stay with us.  Stay with us, it is soon evening.  Stay with us Lord Jesus, stay with us--it is soon evening and night is falling.  Amen." 

fight the good fight,
+kaia