i am really good at talking myself out of things.

i am also really good at justifying things in my mind as i see them appropriate.

i sit and negatively "self talk" myself.  i could do this all day long and convince myself that the world is out to get me. 

how crazy am i?  well--on a scale of 1 - tacos (sarah wheatcroft) i would say i'm taco bell.  i find myself looking at photos or over analyzing a certain comment or situation and i can seriously say that i think i am a crazy person.

i'm learning (slowly) that the best way to rid myself of this negative self talk is to communicate with those around me.  verbalizing the different things that i am talking myself into is the only remedy for this dangerous habit. 

i'm not sure when my walls will come down completely to let someone in.  i don't know how they got so high--but year after year--i have built my "babylon" and continue to do so.  as soon as something or someone comes along striving to get in, my little builders just keep on going.  they build these walls so high and turn me in to some kind of crazy person. 

of course, there are those people that we encounter that expedite this building process.  they tear us down so much that we feel like these construction workers in our minds have to go on a power trip building up around us so that we don't feel hurt, anxiety, pain, or sadness. 

but the reality of it is, what is life without those things?  where does learning and growth come from with out those crappy situations?  these walls that i've spent 22 years building--not all of those walls are negative.  some of them help me filter my thoughts in sticky situations so that i don't say or do the wrong thing.  some of them keep me from making decisions that would be unhealthy to me or those around me. 

in education we learn a lot about the frontal lobe and it's development through the years.  i can tell you that mine is developing right. about. now.  i used to be so carefree and my only care was my own well being.  i often wake up in the middle of the night worrying about my sister, my parents or my grandparents and wondering if they are alright at this present moment.  i hate driving in snow storms because of my family's history with car accidents.  i'm not a big risk taker any more.  i rarely drive over the speed limit and i get anxious when i put myself in situations that are uncomfortable for me.  changing shampoos is about the craziest risk i take. 

i find myself being so tightly wound that i can't relax.  today, i have a day off from school and teaching and yet--i have been up and down trying to think of things to do.  laundry, cleaning, letting the dog out...what can i do to keep myself busy? 

why can't i just settle the heck down and allow myself to breathe and enjoy my life and surroundings?  lately i feel like my life is going at such a colossal pace that i can't catch up.  i don't know how to catch up.  i look at the people around me who are taking everything in and enjoying their lives...and i?  i am catching my breath moving towards the next big event that i have to prepare for.  where along the line did i forget to breathe?

later in march i will be going on a trip to albuquerque to visit my best friend and her husband.  i'm bringing some quality minnesotan company along to enjoy it with me and am allowing him a little visual sense of where i grew up and where i come from.  i don't want to go on this trip catching my breath.  i want to be still...enjoy...breathe. 

i suppose at this point it's time for me to pray.  when all else fails, i need to pray for peace.  this peace is something new that i'm looking for.  i've found my "self" peace, i've found my "career" peace, my "spiritual" peace.  why am i so restless, anxious, and scared?

here come the prayers...

fight the good fight,
+kaia

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."