transatlanticism

i found what i was looking for.

family vacation 2010? well, okay. . .

it's so funny how each and every time something good happens to me, i dreaded it before it actually happened.

take my trip to china for instance. i was dreading that trip. the flight, the food, the sleeping quarters, everything. and look what i got.

i'd say that it was. . .the trip of a lifetime.

my family hasn't gone on a vacation all together since i was 15, so needless to say i was pretty nervous about our closeknit time together in colorado/new mexico. i threw my best friend a surprise party the night before our departure, ended up sleeping too late, and was worried that i was going to wreak havoc on an otherwise relaxing vacation for the rest of my family.

however, i arrived to the airport to two happy, smiling, excited parents ready to start this adventure with me. (even though, as usual, i wasn't punctual.) they were anxious to hear about the surprise party, what was going on in my life, and what my plans were post-vacation. what great parents i have. when arrived at our destination and met my independent, kickass sister who greeted us with open arms, ready to show us the ins and outs of her digs.

i always find myself a bit envious of my sister. she always seems to have her shit figured out and in order. she's quite headstrong--in the most positive way, and recently, i've been seeing myself in some of the things that she's taught me. (makes sense, right? after all, we are plagued with that mathsen scowl, together, why not share some other traits?) anyway, after showing us around and doing a little driving around downtown denver, we headed to kiri's place for an evening of wine, beer, and some tasty food. my parents and i could hardly keep our eyes open--a long day of traveling was behind us and a new day of traveling was ahead of us. so, we retreated to our downtown hotel, set our alarms, and headed to bed, eagerly anticipating our arrival in red river, new mexico, the following day.

let me tell you, i am a minnesota girl. totally. born, bred, and love it. new mexico has it's beauty, oh yes it does, but i am a minnesota girl. that being said, being in the mountains gives me that familar feeling of being so minute, so small, and so blessed. i've been saying over and over again since i got back from china, "i want that feeling back", "i want to feel that again". well folks, there you have it. it's back! the song that my heart was singing in china, that i thought had gone missing has been here all along. and i still remember all of the words to my heart's song!

i am thrilled about where i am in this life. absolutely thrilled. i have had those moments, well, actually lately i have been drowning in those moments where i feel like i am suffocating; i can't get enough air because i'm suffocating in these silly problems that are just that in reality. silly.

i have been surrounded by such beautiful people lately. these people lift me up and make me feel good about who i am and what i'm doing. i feel better than i have in ages. i feel so full of life--independent and free, and absolutely okay with that. there is nobody out there who can take better care of me than myself. and while that might change when i meet mr. right or whoever the hell he is (if he's out there, even) i'm just fine taking care of me. i answer to myself, i tuck myself in, i do my own thing. and i love it. absolutely. i am taking full advantage of it.

so thank god for those things that i don't ask for but receive. prayers are answered in such funny ways sometimes. i prayed to feel whole again, i prayed for so many things. . .and even though i got them in an inadvertant way: here they are.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

so lately i've been working on my attitude.

how's it going, you ask? well, depending on the day, terribly. i still wake up tired, agitated, and most mornings, with a sense of "how the hell am i going to stay awake today?" much like that of any actress that has fallen into a mundane, boring life.

i'm 21. i'm not 40, not at the point where those actresses are, with children a mortgage, and a full time job. i have none of those things. i'm not even 35, so how am i coming to this point so early? the daily grind is just that, a grind. i come home from work so tired, get into bed with a book after dinner, and fall asleep. at six PM. unbelievable! i'm turning into my mother. (no offense, mom, you know i love you). when did life start to become a chore for me?

but then i got to thinking, i'm making the choice to allow myself to think of life as a chore. everything that we do is a choice. what we wear, where we go, who we associated ourselves with is a choice. and damn it, i have made some shitty choices. but, they all have gotten me to where i am, good and bad. there are those that are my best accomplishments, and there are those choices which i think are best left as a secret in the back of my mind. but every day, i make the concious choice to get out of bed as a wild haired crab ass. nobody does or says anything to me to make me crabby, i'm just a generally crabby person.

wait. did i just say that? i know i'm cursed with the "mathsen scowl" i can feel it on my face even during my happiest of moments. i've seen candid photos of myself and think "shit, kaia!" what on earth was i doing? so, i sit in my office and practice. picture me. training to rid myself of the scowl that has plagued my face for the majority of my life thus far. hilarious.

i'm not a general crabby person. i'm the kind of person who laughs at everything in order to soften the blow. whether it's a bad grade, a parking ticket, a pimple, whatever, i find a way to use sarcasm as a mask to avoid the pain of what is going on. i'm a really good avoider. denial should probably be my middle name. i don't proudly wear that, either. it's just fact.

i need to start being honest with myself about the things that are going on. brutally honest. this might help me deal with the anxiety and stress that i feel to face the music and deal with my life head on. there anxiety that i feel is my choice. i choose to leave projects until the last minute, i choose to make reckless decisions, i choose to be crabby.

so you know what, today, i'm going to be happy, giddy, and fabulous, damn it. how's that for a choice?

fight the good fight,

+kaia