so lately i've been working on my attitude.

how's it going, you ask? well, depending on the day, terribly. i still wake up tired, agitated, and most mornings, with a sense of "how the hell am i going to stay awake today?" much like that of any actress that has fallen into a mundane, boring life.

i'm 21. i'm not 40, not at the point where those actresses are, with children a mortgage, and a full time job. i have none of those things. i'm not even 35, so how am i coming to this point so early? the daily grind is just that, a grind. i come home from work so tired, get into bed with a book after dinner, and fall asleep. at six PM. unbelievable! i'm turning into my mother. (no offense, mom, you know i love you). when did life start to become a chore for me?

but then i got to thinking, i'm making the choice to allow myself to think of life as a chore. everything that we do is a choice. what we wear, where we go, who we associated ourselves with is a choice. and damn it, i have made some shitty choices. but, they all have gotten me to where i am, good and bad. there are those that are my best accomplishments, and there are those choices which i think are best left as a secret in the back of my mind. but every day, i make the concious choice to get out of bed as a wild haired crab ass. nobody does or says anything to me to make me crabby, i'm just a generally crabby person.

wait. did i just say that? i know i'm cursed with the "mathsen scowl" i can feel it on my face even during my happiest of moments. i've seen candid photos of myself and think "shit, kaia!" what on earth was i doing? so, i sit in my office and practice. picture me. training to rid myself of the scowl that has plagued my face for the majority of my life thus far. hilarious.

i'm not a general crabby person. i'm the kind of person who laughs at everything in order to soften the blow. whether it's a bad grade, a parking ticket, a pimple, whatever, i find a way to use sarcasm as a mask to avoid the pain of what is going on. i'm a really good avoider. denial should probably be my middle name. i don't proudly wear that, either. it's just fact.

i need to start being honest with myself about the things that are going on. brutally honest. this might help me deal with the anxiety and stress that i feel to face the music and deal with my life head on. there anxiety that i feel is my choice. i choose to leave projects until the last minute, i choose to make reckless decisions, i choose to be crabby.

so you know what, today, i'm going to be happy, giddy, and fabulous, damn it. how's that for a choice?

fight the good fight,

+kaia