those sweet words.

what did you say?
i know i saw you singin'
my ears won't stop ringin'
long enough to hear those sweet words
what did you say?

end of the day
the hour hand has spun
before the night is done
i just have to hear those sweet words
spoken like a melody

oh your love is a lost balloon
rising up through the afternoon
'til it could fit on the head of a pin

come on in
did you have a hard time sleeping?
'cause the heavy moon was keeping me awake
and all i want is
i'm just glad to see you again

i don't know what my obession with norah jones has been ignited by lately.  her music calms me, soothes me, and brings me right back to where i should be.  i was in 8th grade when i first heard her (thanks to my big sister) so maybe it's that same nostalgia that i often get in my heart when i listen to her music. 

tonight was such a good night.  it was calm and i felt like a little adult as i went to trader joe's to get cheese, bread, and wine and then shared that bottle of wine with my good friend, shannon.  as the passage of time continues, i realize that i appreciate the small things, the little spur of the moment evenings even more than i used to.

the evenings spent with a book, the candles lit, and a bottle of wine are those that i cherish more than the nights spent being at a party or at the bar.  my mother would be so happy to read this! 

i'm learning so much about myself lately.  i keep saying "i've been realizing this about myself lately. . ." and let me tell you, i am overjoyed at the things i am learning about myself and about the life that i lead.  sure, there are those days that are filled with so much doubt and pain that i can barely stand it, but those are now outnumbered by those days when i am infused with confidence and can hold my head up high. . .high enough to be convinced that i'm going to be okay.  okay no matter what decision i make, as long as it's for me.  it's so strange to have this mindset and it's so strange to understand myself on such an intimate level.  i used to think that i wanted someone else to know me like the back of their hand, but in reality, the person i was searching for was me.

i want myself to know me better than anyone else.  i'm the only one that knows my needs and aspirations, i'm the only one who is confident enough to live my life.  and to give someone else the power to give me that confidence was toxic.  now, i'm okay giving it to myself and i'm okay by myself.  there was a period where i was so dependent on someone else--whether that be a significant other, my parents, or my friends.  now, i'm just fine.  i'm fine going home on a friday night to read a novel instead of joining the crew at the bars.  i'm fine doing the mundane tasks of everyday--grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning my bedroom. . .i actually find a bit of joy in the mundane.

maybe this is an answer to my prayers?  or maybe i got something that i never asked for?  but i'm going to keep praying that God continues to bless me with a feeling of contentment in my life.

all i know is i cherish my friends and family (and my dog) more than anything.  everything else is just details.  those details can be stressed over--or, i can continue to live without stressing about the things that are so silly and minor. 

i'm happy--sincerely happy with the way that my life is going.  the direction that it's going and the things i'm learning on the way.  whether they be painful and mundane, exhilerating and so exciting, or. . .simple.  i'm learning to embrace it all.  that is something i've been searching for for such a long time.  and while i'm sure there are going to be days where it will be dormant and i will be so damn pissed off and irritated. . .i'm going to enjoy it before it slips through my fingers.

novemeber starts next week.  what the hell has happened to this semester?  people always say that senior flies by. . .i guess i haven't believed it until now.  i can't believe that i'm about to be embarking on the 22nd year of my life and my last year in college.  there are so many memories and so many wonderful experiences i've had at college, the least of which is this journey i've been on for the past 6 months.  i know i will look back on this time as a time of healing and excitement and will cherish the memories that i have about this particular time in my life. 

she's got a way about her
i don't know what it is
but i know i can't live without
she's got a way of pleasin'
don't know why it is
but there doesn't have to be a reason, anyway

she's got a smile that heals me
don't know why it is
but i have to laugh when she reveals me
she's got a way of talkin'
don't know why it is
but it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere

she comes to me when i'm feelin' down
inspires me
without a sound
she touches me
and i get turned around

she's got a way of showin'
how i make her feel
and i find the strength to keep on going
she's got a light around her
and everywhere she goes
a million dreams of love surround her
everywhere.

so here's to this year:  the ups and the downs, the journey, all that i'm learning, and to those of you that have been with me through all of it.  thank you.  please continue living and supporting this crazy life that i have with me.  cheers to you.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

panic of 1837

i finally got a laptop!

thank you to my parents for this. . .i did nothing to deserve it, but am still so grateful.

this weekend was successful.  i got a lot done, accomplished having a little bit of fun, and at the end of it, i can actually say i'm ready to take on this week.  thankfully it will be a 4 day week, with a 3 day weekend on the tail end at which i'm ready to go home and just relax.  so ready.  

again this weekend, i took a look at my life and actually realized that i'm pretty damn proud of myself and the progress i've made over the past 4 months.  there are so many things in my life that i wanted to "fix" or "get better at" and while i can't say i've accomplished everything that i want to (who ever does, though, really?) i'm in a much better place than i was at summer's start.  

like i've said before, i think some depression and anxiety start to creep around in the summer time.  once school starts and things really pick up, my mood does as well.  there have been a couple of days this week that things came up, but they were dealt with and now they're over. . .this is something i've constantly been working on.  trying to take life at face value, dealing with the issues and then getting over them.  of course i still get irritated, i think that's in my nature as a human being, and sometimes i even think i'm entitled to it.  HA!

got to spend a little time with my family this weekend as well.  my grandpa sings in augsburg's centeniall singers choir and it was so fun to be on the other side of a choir performance with my parents.  he has so much fun singing!  it's so great to watch.

as for now, i'm going to put a little norah jones on the stereo and read the new book i got this weekend.  it's pretty good so far. . .you know me and my novels :) 

fight the good fight,

+kaia

flu shots, no sleep, and a smile.

my hair is awfully wild today.  you see, i had planned to rise early, slowly drink my coffee and take in the sunrise.  i had this beautiful, seamless seeming plan in my head.  

i didn't go to bed until 5 AM.  my mind was racing, i couldn't sleep, and on top of that, i was irritated.  i kept thinking "you know, kaia, if you don't go to bed, you're going to be tired all week."  but when my alarm went off this morning, i was surprised to find that i catapulted out of bed and was ready to start the week. 


and now, it's 3 PM and i need a pick me up.  a cup of joe is in order to keep me from falling asleep at 4 PM.  


yikes.  


i'm sleepin' like a baby tonight! 


fight the good fight,
+kaia

mountains, sunshine, and a whole lotta laughter.

i've gotten to be away from the hustle and bustle of MSP for almost a week now, and what a dream it has been.

surrounded by old friends and a familiar landscape has been that polishing touch that my little heart needed.  it has truly been a wonderful trip and i am grateful for the opportunity to get work and school off and step away for a little bit of much needed R and R.

i find little bits and pieces of myself each time i visit albuquerque.  while i can't claim it as my hometown, i still have plenty of happy memories here.  while yes, i am a small town, thick blooded, scowling norwegian who loves the hills and small congregations in minnesota, this place lives on in my mind as a beautiful place--the land of green chile and the sandia mountains, the days where we would run around causing trouble and the place that i spent that middle chunk of my life.  that middle chunk is one that i look back on with a sly smile. . .that time that i spent fearlessly singing in musicals and dancing in arroyos with a clan of people who had those same smiles on their faces.

i truly miss this place and all that it was for me.  i was able to drive by 12820 joelle rd., and boy, did my nostalgia kick in.  those hot, dry, summer days when my parents would leave me a list of things to do, mostly including picking the weeds that inhabited the rocks near the street.  my sister and i would begrudgingly put our hats and sunscreen on bake in the new mexican heat to finish our penance before the afternoon started where we would vegetate in front of the tv, watching vh1 and mtv (which our mother thought she had cleverly blocked from our views).

those middle school days where i thought i was the biggest fish in the pond. . .seems like eons ago, or maybe it feels like yesterday.

the memories i have here and continue to make here will never be replaced.  though when we moved, i told my parents that they ruined my life, all of this moving has made me appreciate adaptation and all of the different venues that we've adapted to.

if i can continue to get my body to adapt to delicious green chile--what else might i be able to do?

fight the good fight,

+kaia