when all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by.

above is a picture of the last advent vespers service that i was a part of.  it was also my last performance with the augsburg choir.  i don't think i've ever sobbed so hard as i did after this service was finished.  it was one of the hardest things i've ever done...and of course i got the worst cold of my life right before these performances.  i was feverish and emotional.  WHAT a combination. 

advent vespers is usually the kick off to my christmas season.  this year, however, i am finding it so difficult to get out of the slump of depression i'm feeling post first semester.  remember how i was going to have the best year ever this year?  i'm finding out now that though my hopes and aspirations were set so high--i stumbled along, somehow making it.  just making it. 

not that it hasn't been an enjoyable ride.  it absolutely has been.  i've gotten closer with plenty of people, learned so much about myself and who i want to be, and even got my dog back!  there have been so many highlights of this semester.  so many triumphs.  but also, so many defeats.  these defeats came to me as a product of things i could have prevented, but also came from things that were out of my control.  but, i am proud to say, that within each defeat, i got up, brushed myself off and kept going. 

i am astounded at the strength that i have receieved throughout these falls.  i don't know exactly where it came from--however, i think a majority of this semester was a product of unanswered prayers.  they always say that some of the best gifts are unanswered prayers and i am seeing this two times over this semester.  as i sit and reflect back on this semester it is clear that yes, i stumbled through it.  but you know what?  i've gotten really good at stumbling.  i might even say i've mastered it.  how appropriate, now then, that a certain song is playing on my itunes..."bruises" by chairlift is droning in my ears and i find myself grateful for the black and blues that i've gotten this year. 

a new year is quietly looming on the horizon...where did time go?  how is this semester over?  no idea.  but i know that this year, i kick off my christmas season quite differently.  i don't kick it off with advent vespers as i usually do, i sky rocket into this season grateful for the black and blues of my year.  grateful for those times of stumbling and unanswered prayers.  where did this come from?  the grace of god would be an appropriate guess, in my estimation. 

i am grateful for this pit stops along the way.  the pit stops on this never ending high way of my life with those that surround me with love and peace.  i've gotten twice as close with my family--allowing them to be a part of this stumbling with me and allowing them to pick me up during these painful spots.  my friends are held closer than ever.  those that i can wake up in the middle of the night with yet another crisis--and those that are there with a bottle of wine ready to take on my next gluten free meal.  i am grateful to those at school who have, through my tears, listened to me, embraced my broken spirit and have willingly, stood up for me and gotten me through. 

so this year, this christmas, i am grateful.  through my tears, i am grateful. 

remember that this year--family and friends are so important.  faith, is so important.  without these things, nothing else would seem to matter.  through all of those nasty, complaining, droning on blog posts--i got through. 

so here i am.  bruised, tearful, and shining. 

grateful.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

wine induced smiles all around.

today was a damn good day.  nothing completely out of the ordinary happened--i didn't meet anyone new or special, i just woke up with a smile. 

a smile that may have been wine induced from the night before, but not the less, a smile.

i've never been too overly excited for thanksgiving before, i'm not a fan of simply eating, watching football, or anything else that thanksgiving entails.

did i never realize the name of the holiday?  thanksgiving?  hello?  kaia?  where has your brain been for the past 21 years?  DUH!  this year, i look to thanksgiving with more anticipation than i have before.  i look to it as not just a day to sit around a table, eat, watch football and take a turkey induced coma--i am thankful.  this year, i will think of the root of the word thanksgiving.  this year, i will not waste my time with the chaos and crabbiness that i feel when chaos insues at the mathsen and jamieson households; rather, this year, i will be thankful for it.  what a concept!

i have much to be grateful for.  but after this last year--i feel even more grateful than i have before.  the fact that i am even thinking about this critically is something for me to be thankful for.  gee, thanks God, my brain works.  (but seriously...)

friendship.  i am more grateful for friendship than i have ever been.  great friends who stay up late with me to dissect every single situation until we are so talked out that we can't hold our eyes open for one more minute.  friends who will make countless target trips with you so that you can find just the right outfit for that first date.  friends who will drop everything and say "WE CAN GET MORE TACOS!"  friends, those people that you thought you would never like but you end up actually liking most of the things about them.  friends, those people who knew you when you skinned your knee in fifth grade--knew about the quirky habits that you had when you were a kid and love you nonetheless.  i am grateful. 

family.  being friends with my parents.  weird, i never thought i would see the day.  however, whenever i get exciting news, have a new saga, do my laundry, or simply make it home at night--i call my parents to gush.  their understanding, compassion, and support are those beams that have kept me going throughout my life this far.  my grandparents.  they have so much more advice and wisdom than we give them credit for.  yes, it might have be 1947 when they were going through these issues--but they have struggled in classes or with romance the same way you have.  siblings.  i don't know why we go through our lives fighting with our siblings about the borrowed sweater, hanson cd, or sunless tanner?  later in life--we're going to be old friends and call each other for advice about parties, school, or just to shoot the shit and talk about nothing.  believe me, it happens.  aunts and uncles who are so real and there for you.  these people will listen to you about your dramas, and then they will tell you theirs!  how freeing is it to know that family members are there for each other?  i'm feeling pretty damn free.  i know that not everyone has this luxury--and if you don't, i invite you into my family.  all are welcome. 

education.  how many times have i bitched and moaned about augsburg and how crappy this year has gone?  if you haven't noticed--a ton.  i want it to be known that i am so grateful to augsburg and all of the opportunities and experiences that place has given me.  it restored my faith in people and reminds me every day of the person i used to be, the person that i am, and the person that i am becoming.  augsburg has allowed me to establish myself and express myself freely and spontaneously.  i have fallen down plenty of times in that place, but i also have triumphed.  this place has introduced me to a plethora of people who i will hold on to for the rest of my days.  i am grateful to have been able to get an education at this institution. 

faith.  most of all.  i am so damn grateful for faith.  i don't know where i would be without the hope of tomorrow.  there are so many things that aren't promised to us.  and life is too short to worry about it--so we have faith. 

this year.  i am grateful.  i am thankful.  i am going to spend thanksgiving rejoicing with my family and friends--allowing myself to feel every emotion that comes along with the season.  i am going to hug my family a little tighter, smile a little bit wider, and even allow myself to be a little nostalgic. 

and then?  vespers.

that...is a whole other story.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

throwing caution out the...window?

so, there's this girl i know.  i've known her since freshman year and watched her grow into an even more wonderful person than she was when i met her and that's hard to believe.  this girl walks into a room and literally makes the room light up.  i never believed that someone could do that. . .but she does it every single time i see her.

she finds so much joy in the small things in life--a glass of wine, a cup of tea, rain, snow, etc.  whatever it is, she loves it.  and when i say love, i don't mean she's smiling and happy.  this girl is laughing, screaming with joy, and so happy to be just where she is. 

she inspires me.  she seems to effortlessly throw caution out the window and just be.  she is where she is and she's happy about it. 

i've been struggling with caution lately.  it has been getting me into trouble.  i am so much more guarded than i thought that i was.  i hear people say all the time that we must jump into things with our whole hearts and whatever the outcome--be okay.  i don't know what happened along the way to make me unable to do this.  this is in every aspect of my life--and, like a disease, it travels to every part of my being.  and does so quickly. 

i can't figure this out.  i'm always saying that i'm into living in the moment and taking life for what it is--but in reality, i do not practice it.  waking up in the morning is a gift.  getting into the car and hearing your favorite song on the radio is a gift.  having a conversation with someone who makes you feel like a million bucks is a gift.  everything that we do each and every day is a gift.  even the things that seem so shitty. 

i have this picture of my friend that is so clearly embedded in my brain and i strive to be a person who truly dances through life the way that she does.  enjoys every waking moment--fills her life with music, surrounding herself with people who she enjoys.  throwing caution to the wind and just being. 

i don't know where i lost this child like attitude--one that is so infectious and one that i wish would inhabit my body on a daily basis.  i hold myself back.  i have never been so pissed at myself as i was tonight. . .maybe for a foolish reason, maybe not.  maybe this was my wake up call?  i don't know.  whatever it was, i know that i've got to make some changes.

i've been working so hard this year on so many changes; some are completely tangible and some at times, i feel, are out of my reach.  however, making a simple change view every day as a gift--now that is something i would like to put into practice.

it reminds me of the feeling i had when we were in china.  i woke up every morning with this sense of excitement.  just the thought of getting out of bed was exciting.  seeing the familiar faces was refreshing.  now, i know that being in china is an adventure--but waking up and experiencing life is an adventure all of it's own. 

cheesy?  yes.  true?  absolutely.  this friend of mine--her infectious spirit that inspires me to be better--i hope i remember it when i wake up in the morning and am pissed at myself for being so silly.  i hope that i play my stereo too loud, that i dance around like a freak in my underwear, that i smile so much my face hurts.  i hope i let music give me goosebumps, i hope that i pee my pants i laugh so hard, i hope that sarah and i come up with 32 more one liners--i hope.

the key word--hope. 

sure, we shouldn't throw caution or common sense completely out of the window.  but, there might be times that you'll miss out on something that could be really great if you aren't able to let your guard down enough to let it in. 

so now, i let izzy out to pee, climb into bed, and pray for a better attitude, a better tomorrow, and a little bit of slack from god so i can throw caution out of the window once and awhile. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

sunrise, sunrise. . .

it's 6:24 PM and i am so tired. 

i've been staying up later than usual with my ladies laughing until midnight--enjoying silly conversations and wine.  because of that, the morning seems to come so quickly.  i feel like i'm taking cat naps instead of getting real sleep.

at least i'm having fun, right? 

i made soup last night and ate it with a girlfriend i haven't seen in forever.  it was so much fun to chat and catch up--we were so close for awhile, but as times goes on, people get busy, things change, etc.  it was so great to have an evening that we could just be together, watching sappy movies and chatting about everything.

last time i wrote. . .woofta.  that was not a happy day for me.  i hate it when i get that way--so focused on anger or frustration.  it makes me feel like such an ugly person.  i know that everyone has their days. . .but that day was worse for me than i've had in a really long time.  it's interesting because now i feel better about the entire situation (both of them).  either i feel better about them or i just don't care.  there are unseen events that happen in life and sometimes you have to get mad about them.  other times, the best thing to do is let them go.  in this particular case, it took me a little time to realize that, yes, i needed to let it go.  instead of going on angry, i figured i should enjoy what i have left of my last year at augsburg and move forward.

am i good at that?  haha, no.  not all the time.  i can preach to other people about it until i'm blue in the face but until i'm in the thick of it, i don't remember what it's like to be so consumed with an issue.  these issues consumed me fully and wholly--but i'm happy to say that i'm not proud of the way it came out nor am i proud of the way i acted towards a shitty situation.  but--such is life.  learning from this and moving on will be helpful for the next sticky situation i get myself into. 

for now, life is good.  i'm smiling a lot, learning a lot, and generally in a good mood.  (when i'm not exhausted).  i found out i have a gluten intolerance so i've had to completely change my diet.  if you know me, you know i love the taco bell and mcdonalds nights.  those are out of the picture.  i'm still figuring out how to eat gluten free things and still be full and healthy.  i think some of my problem with being so tired is that i'm so hungry.  gluten is mostly in carbs. . .therefore, my energy level is sooooo down.  but, i'm figuring it out.  i'm even learning how to cook!  which is kind of hilarious and half scary. . .but i'm hoping i'll get the hang of it. 

i'm going to go try to get warm now. . .winter has officially arrived and my house is freezing.  i'm breaking out the hat and mittens inside right now.  still dreaming about laying by the pool. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

senior suckness.

whoever said that senior year of college was fun was clearly lying.

these past few months and looking to the months ahead don't look anything like fun.  having professors mock you and laugh in your face when you are actually being honest and trying to do something right isn't fun.  living in a world full of two faced liars isn't too much fun either.  having people be nice to your face and nasty behind your back--that might be the least fun of all.

life is high school.  you never get rid of the drama and bullshit that plagues you when you're 15.  and if you want to get away from it--good luck.  you better move off into the wilderness and not speak to anyone. 

but if there is one thing i cannot stand--lying.  do not lie to me.  looking me in the eye and lying to me is about the worst thing you can do.  not only does it piss me off--but you lose about 3982947274987 thousand good people points.  i'd like to think that i'm the kind of person that will give you a plethora of points.  until you do something like that.  then, it's over.

senior year has royally sucked.  as does my attitude right now.  but i am so firing mad that my heart probably has an irregular heartbeat.  i am so ready to be out of this stage of my life and onto something else.  in a place where i can start clean--with people who don't know about my shortcomings and anxieties and with those who are new faces.

at the rate it's going, i'm never going to finish college and i'm never going to please anybody.

i need to shower.  my attitude stinks.

footie pajamas and a puppy.

my best friend is asleep on the floor after a couple glasses of wine and a delicious dinner of baked eggplant lasanga.  she's cuddled up with my puppy as i'm playing norah and have my footie halloween pajamas on.  the candles are lit and my insence is burning.  it was a relaxing night.  a little bit of studying mixed with fun. 

my life. . .oh, my life.  i'm so ready to be done with the college lifestyle, but while i'm sick and tired of it, i also know that someday i will look back and somehow miss it.  i hosted a party this past weekend and it was an interesting night to say the least; fun was had, but at the end of the night, i was ready to put in a movie and go to sleep.  maybe i'm growing up?  maybe i'm just coming into my own.

i had a conversation with a close friend about my single lifestyle lately. . .and when i said the words "i'm completely fine being alone" there was no doubt or angst in my voice for the first time in a very long time.  it's so interesting starting a life for yourself.  of course there are important people included--but these are people that i choose.  i choose who comes into my life and who isn't invited or welcomed in.  for the first time since i was probably about 6 i've decided who i let in, what my likes and dislikes are, and who i want to be.  it's a revelation i won't soon forget--tonight, i actually cooked.  and it was quite theraputic.  it took forever, and i was ravenous when the food was finished, but i felt so good about it.  good about the healthy food i was making, and good about the food i was offering to my best friend.

there are so many things in this life that we do and don't cherish.  small things.  little victories.  moments throughout the day that make that day worth it.  tonight was one of those victorious nights.  yes, i'm done with studying and college life.  but, this is where i am.  so, tonight, i embrace where i'm at and instead of revelling in the future, i will go to bed with the assurance that i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. 

however, i do hope for the future.  i hope that one day, i can share a bottle of wine with my husband while the kids are out at their perspective enjoyments (whatever they are).  i hope that i will have norah jones on my $500 bose stereo and that i will jump into bed (a serta select matress) with the assurance that i am safe with a guy who loves me and cherishes me and our life together.  i hope that i will have a wonderful classroom full of children with open minds that i will be able to help with whatever they are going through at the moment.  i hope that i will live in a quaint bungalow with wood floors and good homey smells.  i hope that i will be incredibly happy, but most of all, i hope that i will have joy with whatever God has planned for me.

one thing is for certain--whatever it is, it's in the plan.  i can hope, wish, dream about whatever i want.  but there is a bigger plan out there for me.  one that will allow me to be happier than i could ever imagine.  it will come.

but for now, this is what i have.  and i am so grateful.  shannon is snoring on the floor--izzy is fast asleep beside her.  and i, i sit and dream about the future that is coming so quickly. 

enjoy today.  know that you are loved.  be at peace.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

those sweet words.

what did you say?
i know i saw you singin'
my ears won't stop ringin'
long enough to hear those sweet words
what did you say?

end of the day
the hour hand has spun
before the night is done
i just have to hear those sweet words
spoken like a melody

oh your love is a lost balloon
rising up through the afternoon
'til it could fit on the head of a pin

come on in
did you have a hard time sleeping?
'cause the heavy moon was keeping me awake
and all i want is
i'm just glad to see you again

i don't know what my obession with norah jones has been ignited by lately.  her music calms me, soothes me, and brings me right back to where i should be.  i was in 8th grade when i first heard her (thanks to my big sister) so maybe it's that same nostalgia that i often get in my heart when i listen to her music. 

tonight was such a good night.  it was calm and i felt like a little adult as i went to trader joe's to get cheese, bread, and wine and then shared that bottle of wine with my good friend, shannon.  as the passage of time continues, i realize that i appreciate the small things, the little spur of the moment evenings even more than i used to.

the evenings spent with a book, the candles lit, and a bottle of wine are those that i cherish more than the nights spent being at a party or at the bar.  my mother would be so happy to read this! 

i'm learning so much about myself lately.  i keep saying "i've been realizing this about myself lately. . ." and let me tell you, i am overjoyed at the things i am learning about myself and about the life that i lead.  sure, there are those days that are filled with so much doubt and pain that i can barely stand it, but those are now outnumbered by those days when i am infused with confidence and can hold my head up high. . .high enough to be convinced that i'm going to be okay.  okay no matter what decision i make, as long as it's for me.  it's so strange to have this mindset and it's so strange to understand myself on such an intimate level.  i used to think that i wanted someone else to know me like the back of their hand, but in reality, the person i was searching for was me.

i want myself to know me better than anyone else.  i'm the only one that knows my needs and aspirations, i'm the only one who is confident enough to live my life.  and to give someone else the power to give me that confidence was toxic.  now, i'm okay giving it to myself and i'm okay by myself.  there was a period where i was so dependent on someone else--whether that be a significant other, my parents, or my friends.  now, i'm just fine.  i'm fine going home on a friday night to read a novel instead of joining the crew at the bars.  i'm fine doing the mundane tasks of everyday--grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning my bedroom. . .i actually find a bit of joy in the mundane.

maybe this is an answer to my prayers?  or maybe i got something that i never asked for?  but i'm going to keep praying that God continues to bless me with a feeling of contentment in my life.

all i know is i cherish my friends and family (and my dog) more than anything.  everything else is just details.  those details can be stressed over--or, i can continue to live without stressing about the things that are so silly and minor. 

i'm happy--sincerely happy with the way that my life is going.  the direction that it's going and the things i'm learning on the way.  whether they be painful and mundane, exhilerating and so exciting, or. . .simple.  i'm learning to embrace it all.  that is something i've been searching for for such a long time.  and while i'm sure there are going to be days where it will be dormant and i will be so damn pissed off and irritated. . .i'm going to enjoy it before it slips through my fingers.

novemeber starts next week.  what the hell has happened to this semester?  people always say that senior flies by. . .i guess i haven't believed it until now.  i can't believe that i'm about to be embarking on the 22nd year of my life and my last year in college.  there are so many memories and so many wonderful experiences i've had at college, the least of which is this journey i've been on for the past 6 months.  i know i will look back on this time as a time of healing and excitement and will cherish the memories that i have about this particular time in my life. 

she's got a way about her
i don't know what it is
but i know i can't live without
she's got a way of pleasin'
don't know why it is
but there doesn't have to be a reason, anyway

she's got a smile that heals me
don't know why it is
but i have to laugh when she reveals me
she's got a way of talkin'
don't know why it is
but it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere

she comes to me when i'm feelin' down
inspires me
without a sound
she touches me
and i get turned around

she's got a way of showin'
how i make her feel
and i find the strength to keep on going
she's got a light around her
and everywhere she goes
a million dreams of love surround her
everywhere.

so here's to this year:  the ups and the downs, the journey, all that i'm learning, and to those of you that have been with me through all of it.  thank you.  please continue living and supporting this crazy life that i have with me.  cheers to you.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

panic of 1837

i finally got a laptop!

thank you to my parents for this. . .i did nothing to deserve it, but am still so grateful.

this weekend was successful.  i got a lot done, accomplished having a little bit of fun, and at the end of it, i can actually say i'm ready to take on this week.  thankfully it will be a 4 day week, with a 3 day weekend on the tail end at which i'm ready to go home and just relax.  so ready.  

again this weekend, i took a look at my life and actually realized that i'm pretty damn proud of myself and the progress i've made over the past 4 months.  there are so many things in my life that i wanted to "fix" or "get better at" and while i can't say i've accomplished everything that i want to (who ever does, though, really?) i'm in a much better place than i was at summer's start.  

like i've said before, i think some depression and anxiety start to creep around in the summer time.  once school starts and things really pick up, my mood does as well.  there have been a couple of days this week that things came up, but they were dealt with and now they're over. . .this is something i've constantly been working on.  trying to take life at face value, dealing with the issues and then getting over them.  of course i still get irritated, i think that's in my nature as a human being, and sometimes i even think i'm entitled to it.  HA!

got to spend a little time with my family this weekend as well.  my grandpa sings in augsburg's centeniall singers choir and it was so fun to be on the other side of a choir performance with my parents.  he has so much fun singing!  it's so great to watch.

as for now, i'm going to put a little norah jones on the stereo and read the new book i got this weekend.  it's pretty good so far. . .you know me and my novels :) 

fight the good fight,

+kaia

flu shots, no sleep, and a smile.

my hair is awfully wild today.  you see, i had planned to rise early, slowly drink my coffee and take in the sunrise.  i had this beautiful, seamless seeming plan in my head.  

i didn't go to bed until 5 AM.  my mind was racing, i couldn't sleep, and on top of that, i was irritated.  i kept thinking "you know, kaia, if you don't go to bed, you're going to be tired all week."  but when my alarm went off this morning, i was surprised to find that i catapulted out of bed and was ready to start the week. 


and now, it's 3 PM and i need a pick me up.  a cup of joe is in order to keep me from falling asleep at 4 PM.  


yikes.  


i'm sleepin' like a baby tonight! 


fight the good fight,
+kaia

mountains, sunshine, and a whole lotta laughter.

i've gotten to be away from the hustle and bustle of MSP for almost a week now, and what a dream it has been.

surrounded by old friends and a familiar landscape has been that polishing touch that my little heart needed.  it has truly been a wonderful trip and i am grateful for the opportunity to get work and school off and step away for a little bit of much needed R and R.

i find little bits and pieces of myself each time i visit albuquerque.  while i can't claim it as my hometown, i still have plenty of happy memories here.  while yes, i am a small town, thick blooded, scowling norwegian who loves the hills and small congregations in minnesota, this place lives on in my mind as a beautiful place--the land of green chile and the sandia mountains, the days where we would run around causing trouble and the place that i spent that middle chunk of my life.  that middle chunk is one that i look back on with a sly smile. . .that time that i spent fearlessly singing in musicals and dancing in arroyos with a clan of people who had those same smiles on their faces.

i truly miss this place and all that it was for me.  i was able to drive by 12820 joelle rd., and boy, did my nostalgia kick in.  those hot, dry, summer days when my parents would leave me a list of things to do, mostly including picking the weeds that inhabited the rocks near the street.  my sister and i would begrudgingly put our hats and sunscreen on bake in the new mexican heat to finish our penance before the afternoon started where we would vegetate in front of the tv, watching vh1 and mtv (which our mother thought she had cleverly blocked from our views).

those middle school days where i thought i was the biggest fish in the pond. . .seems like eons ago, or maybe it feels like yesterday.

the memories i have here and continue to make here will never be replaced.  though when we moved, i told my parents that they ruined my life, all of this moving has made me appreciate adaptation and all of the different venues that we've adapted to.

if i can continue to get my body to adapt to delicious green chile--what else might i be able to do?

fight the good fight,

+kaia

happy birthday, dad!

it's luther's birthday today!  52 years old. . .and yet, i can't seem to get the picture out of my head of him carrying my sister and i on his back when we played horsey when we were kids.  or his bedtime stories, as i can affectionately remember--"harold stories".  stories about the troubles harold would get into, the snowstorms he would get stuck in, or the various life lessons that were somehow embedded in this stories that involved both my upbringing and that of my father's.  

i remember one of these especially well.  my dad came out of the playroom with one of those plastic pumpkins that you use to collect candy in at halloween on his head.  i can't remember what the particular story was, but he was so into it that night.  

i have been blessed with such wonderful parents.  so loving and compassionate, even though i'm sure that i drive them crazy half of time.  (as they do to me once in a blue moon . . . ) on this day, i am even more grateful for the guy that has raised me and taught me most of what i know about life, love, and faith.  this guy has raised me the best way he knew how, and though there were times he probably want to rip my hair out, he did it with ease and grace.  my sister and i have turned into (what i perceive to be) well informed, happy and healthy young people.  this is thanks to the rich traditions of faith and love that our family has been grounded in.  

i can't believe i'm the daughter of a 52 year old!  and i'm turning 22. . .what?  i don't know what has happened to time, but it's passage continues to get more rapid as each year passes.  though we keep aging, we keep learning and through the knowledge that we are getting each and every day, we are growing.  from these parents i've learned so much about growth and nurturing that growth.  there are days when i hate it, and my body groans with pain as i continue to grow, but looking at my life in the rearview, i can see that those growing pains were well worth the groaning to get where i'm supposed to be.  

and am i where i'm supposed to be?  god only knows. . .but, i have a good idea of where i'm going and that's mostly because of my parents and my upbringing.  sure, they drive me crazy, what with their phone calls telling me to turn off my curling irons when i leave my own home.  but, for the most part, it's in my best interest.  they also know how to deal with the level of crazy i bring to the table and even kind of embrace it with me.  they push me to be a better person and push me to get educated and figure things out as i see fit.  (even when sometimes they see it as unfit).  

so, to my dad, you are my best friend.  i love you more than anything, and i am so lucky to have a man like you in my life, let alone a man like you to raise and teach me.  thank you for teaching me to love and have faith and to never lose sight of that very faith that sustains us and keeps us going.  you are a blessing, such a rich blessing that i thank god for every day.  thank you for showing me how to love, most of all.  thank you for giving me your big heart and compassion for people.  i see so much of myself in you.

and to my mother, though it isn't your birthday, it was, and you didn't get a blog post :)  i love you, mom.  i love the relationship that we've grown into (post high school graduation).  thank you for laughing with me and giving me sound advice when you know it's really important.  thank you for picking me up off of the floor countless times. . .you are a diamond in the rough, a sheep among wolves, and such a great role model for me as a young woman.  thank you for teaching kiri and i how to be ladies (though i don't always follow your advice).  one particular memory of you that i have from my childhood was the day that you and i tried to build a snow man outside of the parsonage at ROD.  it was so cold that day, and usually dad was the one that went out with us to build things out of the cold snow. . .but on that day, a day that i didn't have school, you went outside with me.  you played with me.  skipped your soap opera (the one you used to watch with head phones on so as to shelter me from the vulgar days of our lives) to play. 

i love you both, and am so utterly blessed.

happy birthday, dad!  and ma, thank you for being you.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

cloudy with a chance of optimisim.

I think it's time to put myself away
Seek out a little silence
Close the doors and sit a while
Walk a little

And as I put my words away
The flow slows
See this pen in a stream
Picking it up is easy.

Follow the shape of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.


let me just say, i cannot wipe the smile off of my face today.  i had the pleasure of watching the twins clinch the 2010 division championship and it was awesome.  i had a few beers and watched this team win after being behind for most of the game. . .it was amazing.

needless to say, today is good.  it's a good day.  i woke up late, got to work late, but, what the hell?  what am i going to do about it?

i prayed out loud last night for the first time since i was about 7.  i actually said "oh hey there, god". . . which i found both kind of hilarious and awkward at the very same time.  in this prayer, mostly, i thanked god for the numerous blessings that have walked into my life lately, and for those that have hung around for some time. 

in this quiet stage of my life. . .this stage that i am marveling at so many wonderful things that i've got, i just want to stop a minute and say thank you.  and mean it.  i am so blessed.  i think this smile that i've got pasted on my face was really an answer to my prayers and not due to a baseball game. 

ain't that a doozy?

fight the good fight,
+kaia

a quiet weekend.

after a hectic week at work, i decided i was in the mood for a more quiet weekend.  you know, not the typical college weekend.

last night, i came home, had a drink, and went to bed.

today, i decided to make a day trip to my parent's house, stopping by a parishioner of my dad's house on the way home.  

i sat with this woman for 3 hours.  we talked about boys, we talked about marriage, we talked about absolutely everything.  she's 85.  she gave me the most sound and solid advice that i think i've ever gotten.  when confronted with my qualms about men and getting married, she said, "well, what do you think the rush is?  i was 24 when i got married and that was late back then!  i was married for the happiest 64 years of my life.  and i waited until i was secure."  

i was dumbfounded.  all this time, here i've been thinking i'm behind.  all of my friends are attached, all are into something with someone, except me.  and you know what?  fine.  currently, i am not at a place that i believe to be stable enough to be in any kind of committed relationship with a man other than my dog, max.  i'm up, down, here, there, i'm all over and on the days that i think i'm back on the straight and narrow--i wake up to another crisis that leads me off that path and back up this emotional rollercoaster.

i knew this year would be like this, didn't i?  here we are. . .week three.  and i'm on this emotional path.  i hear phrases or watch first years marvel at the different things they get to do in college and i think "shit, i miss that!"  but then something happens within the school and i say "shit, i can't wait to get out of here!"  

this year is going to be up and down.  and though i am on a hiatus from men for awhile, that's fine.  that allows me to really marvel in this year and allows it to be okay for me to have these ups and downs.  it allows me to leave on 15 minute's notice to have coffee and cake with an 85 year old and it also allows me to pour my heart to her instead of on some meaningless date that won't be going anywhere. 

i know it seems like i complain about being single all the time--and i'm sure people think i'm crazy because i'm only 21.  but when your peers are so immersed in their relationships, really, it's sickening.  also, when you think you've hit the jackpot with this guy for the millionth time, it gets to be pretty discouraging when that guy turns out to be a couple ass or it just doesn't work out.  trust me, it's disheartening for me to look back and realize that yes, i've been some kind of relationship with someone since i was about 15 years old.  

so i got to thinking.  maybe this hiatus from the dating world is a good idea.  because i'm making a conscious effort and saying that i'm offline for awhile, maybe i'll really be able to heal from all of the discouragement and heavy hearts that i've carried around for the past couple of years.  i've found that saying "i'm done with dudes for awhile.  i'm taking a break" is pretty freeing.  i'm freeing myself up for something better in the future.  giving myself a break and allowing myself to be free is like coming up after swimming under water with no oxygen for 50 minutes.  and i know i've said the "i'm fine.  i feel good about being single" before.  i'm not going to bullshit you.  at this point, i hate it.  it sucks. 

but in order for me to be healthy both mentally and physically, this has got to happen.  the bullshit and assholes in my life has got to stop.  a girlfriend, after hearing my most recent male saga said to me "gee, kaia, you really know how to pick them.  i mean, woops, sorry.  i shouldn't have said that", to which i replied "no, you're absolutely right."  it's time that i allow myself a break so that when i know i'm ready, someone that actually meets or god forbid, exceeds my standards comes along.  he probably will not sweep me off my feet.  i will probably be so cautious and rude to him at first that he might be scared away.  

but enough of the bullshit.

i'm taking a hiatus from dating.  from men, their bullshit, and my heartache. 

there.  i said it. 

damn, do i feel free. . .

fight the good fight, 
+kaia  

with swift, slow, a dazzle dim . . .

so i think it's clear that when i love something, i do it repeatedly. 

for instance, i'm reading "eat, pray, love" for the 3rd time. . .

also, i just received my china tour choir CD, and i've been blasting it all afternoon.  i can't get enough.  

i guess over the summer i must have forgotten some of the passion that i feel for choral music and that warm, familiar feeling that i get when listening to my choir sing.

my entire life, i have waited to be in a really phenomenal choir.  say what you will about the augsburg choir, but in my estimation, this gritty group is one among the top lutheran college choirs.  we have more fun than any other choir, i can almost guarantee that.  and sometimes while our discipline is, well, lax, our performances have been spoken by my grandma (the wife of a choral director for about 60 years) as "the best choir concert she had ever been to".  coming from her, i felt pretty special.

ask anyone who's been with me this weekend. . .i have had this CD blasting in my car, in my room, in the shower, wherever i can get a minute to stop my day and just listen.

today, in the car, i was at a stoplight and was singing "la rumba" pretty loudly.  the man in the convertible next to me started to dance along with the music.  do you know how magical that was for me?  i am smiling from ear to ear still, just thinking about it.  

music has the power to touch us and release our souls from the daily captivity we put them in.  instead of holding my soul captive, i think i want to let it fly for awhile.  i think i want to fly my freak flag really high--instead of being so unhappy, i want to live for a minute.

i've already started enjoying my last first semester at augsburg.  i dropped my friday night class (a wise choice, if i do say so myself) to take it tues/thurs instead with a pass/no pass grade option.  (it's a math class, i have a bad history with those. . .) and i'm going to be fine in my weekend college classes.  i'm totally prepared.  i've got this.  i might even be able to pull a 4.0 this semester.

i'm becoming so much more confident in each step that i take.  i don't need to consult anybody, i just make these decisions and go with them.  if i stick my foot in the boiling hot mistake water and it's too hot, all i've got to do is take it out quickly, nurse my wounds, and keep on walking.  i'm doing so well!  i never give myself the credit where it's due. . .and it's time to start doing that.

choir starts tomorrow, so needless to say, i'll be smiling from ear to ear again all day tomorrow.  i'm sure it will be spent reminiscing about china and learning new faces and names, all the while preparing repertoire for another beautiful year of singing.  although i have to get up tomorrow and re-take the praxis math test (BLAH), i'll get through it becuase i know my day is going to end so well with peter hendrickson and the augsburg choir.

this choir is my home.  my family.  i've moved around so much prior to being at augsburg and this is the first place that i've been able to call my own.  it's mine.  i've made what i've wanted to out of this experience, and you know what?  i'm going to continue to do that.  nobody has been my guide at school and sure, of course there have been some bumps and shitty times along the way, but those times only solidify the fact that i belong here.  

i'm going to drive home now.  time to let those tunes blare, let my soul fly, and let music take me over.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

 

a girl's gotta eat. (and pray, and love).

call me crazy, i know you want to.  i started "eat, pray, love" again.  a family friend gave it to me on audio disc, so now, when i'm in the car, i have elizabeth gilbert herself, quietly reading her memoir to me, giving me peace and strength on a sometimes quite stressful road.

i listen, and when i come across a phrase or word that i recognize, i recite aloud with this audacious author.  i'm able to re-connect with the words that i have grown to love so dearly.  in a conversation with my aunt, i recognized the familiar feelings of contentment and peace that bring me an open mind and a drive to succeed and to learn.  

i'm entering into my last year at augsburg.  actually, today, the 10 month journey begins.  where does the time go, i always ask myself.  i can remember being so upset as each year passed because time was out of my grasp and i always felt like it went to quickly.  time is sort of like a thief--it tricks you into waiting and wishing for things, when mostly, you have what you really need.  time tricks you in to thinking you've got it lasso-ed, when in reality, it slips away and is gone before you can take another breath.  

i don't want to let time slip through my fingers this year.  this is it, my last year of waking up hung over or staying up late to finish a conversation with my best friend.  after this, the working world starts--i begin my quest to change the world of special education.   (i definitely won't be able to do this with under 6 hours of sleep).  next year, my new journey begins.   my transition from college student to working adult with begin with a metamorphosis of new clothes--things that appropriate for teaching high school students rather than the beloved "bar shirt" that i own.  my metamorphosis will also come with new ideas, new bulletin boards and the same fall weather that i am feeling right now.

in a year--this journey begins.  but right now, the journey is coming to a close.  a journey that has been filled with so many ups and downs, joys and sorrows, failures and triumphs.  i'm such a nostalgic person.  this morning, i went to chapel and as we sang "be thou my vison" i had a movie montage style movie reel going through my head of all of my firsts here at augsburg.  and i know that this time next year, that same familiar movie montage will be playing all of my lasts here. 

this place has been so amazing for me.  it has changed me, and molded me into. . .well, me.  before i was an auggie, i didn't have a damn clue who in the sam hell i was.  and no, i haven't gotten it all figured out yet--but i have such a strong foundation now, deeply rooted in the things i've learned about love and service, joy and understanding people and the way that they are.  augsburg has ignited such a fire in me that i will be forever debted to it for.  (but if you read this 20 years from now and you're a student caller, asking for money, save it. . .i'll be broke then, too!) 

so now, i sit.  i sit in peace and look forward to the journey ahead.  i recognize that kaia, me, is now my friend.  i can love her, or i can fight her.  i can fight with her, tooth and nail for each individual thing that i want to accomplish this year, or, i can fight against her, trying to decipher my way through the year without the woman that this summer i have become so friendly with. 

it has been a rough summer--and i'm not going to lie and say i'm sad to see it go.  with the hot weather goes my anxiety and angst, and also that burrow in my brow that made me frown with such sorrow and uncertainty all summer long.  i'm saying adios to all that negative energy, and embracing the fact that i am an everchanging individual rooted in a never-changing God who will embrace my and all of my quirks for as long as eternity goes for.

the ending of my journey marks running into old friends, making new ones, and establishing myself before my first year of teaching.  i get to do that one more year of growing with augsburg as i say goodbye to this place that has truly been my home for 4 years. 


it's not even over yet--so, i better get started, eh?

fight the good fight,
+kaia

the saga continues . . .

this is how i'm feeling today. 

 

home.

so i was home this weekend, again, and i thought to myself, "gee, i'm tired of this." 

it was great to see and catch up with some fine folks that i haven't seen in awhile, but the small town atmosphere got to be a little much for me. 

now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing i like more than a small town.  believe me.  i am a small town girl.  the thing that i don't like is that everyone is in your business and has an opinion about what you wear, who your family is, what you've done. . .pretty much everything you do.  i sat in a bar and watched three women talk about me.  you know how when someone talks about you, they're looking at you, but pretending that they're not?  that's exactly what they were doing.

it was kind of funny at first, because if you want to be two faced and pretend like you're a nice person to my face, that's great.  and that's exactly what happened.  i ran into one of them in the bathroom and she was telling me how great my hair looked, how nice it must be to be so young, etc. . .i was just thinking "yeah, right.  i don't believe a word you're saying."

but then, i got to thinking.  i'm sure there are plenty of people that i've said bad things about, whether in front of them or behind their back.  and i'm sure they've felt badly about the way that i've treated them.  that's not fair.  granted, when these women were gossiping, i didn't feel crappy at all. . .they are about twenty years older than me and were probably chatting about a shitty choice i made a long time ago.  that person isn't who i am anymore, so why should i care what they think now?  
 

back to the point, i need to start making a conscious effort to watch my words and actions around people.  my aim is never to make someone feel bad about themselves or a decision that they made.  and i know i'm guilty of it.  so here i am, confessing my transgression--i screw up a lot.  i would just never want to be judged for something that i did so long ago or a mistake that i made.  and i'm going to start doing my best to stop judging or gossiping about people who do the same.  


i feel like if i stop this nonsense i'll feel a lot better about who i am.  i was mentioning to a family friend that i was on this quest to figure out who i was and that i was learning so much about who i am along the way.  her reply was, "honey, i've figured out who i am.  and i can't do anything about it!"  


there are parts of ourselves that we can't change.  i know that.  i know that i will be a light haired, curly, silly kid for the rest of my life.  and call me a narcissist if you'd like, but i will never stop learning.  i don't think i'm the center of the universe at all.  no, no, no.  but, i never want to stop this journey of figuring out who i am.  there are bits and pieces of myself that can most definitely use some work--and i'm going to continue to strive to change them and be better.  but there are also unknown things--different experiences and issues that haven't been brought to the surface yet that i'm excited to figure out.

i never want to become complacent in my life or what i'm doing.  i always want to be alive and learning lessons.  that's so important to me.  outwardly, i know i might not change much.  i'm always going to have wild hair, i'm always going to have light hair.  my ass might shrink and grow, but who cares?  my eyes will always be buggy and green, and my feet will be hobbit feet forever.  it's time to come to terms with things of that nature.  but there are things that i have want to change and will work on.


as far as gossiping and all that craziness goes, here i go.  i'm working on it.


i'll always be a work in progress.


fight the good fight,
+kaia 

i'm gonna need another bookshelf. . .

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

i woke up this morning irritated.  why, you ask?  because it was 7:45, i had to be at work at 8:30, there was make up in my eye irritating it, and on top of that, state fair traffic. my goodness, was i pissed.  there were lazers coming out of my eyes and steam coming out of my ears.  not only that, before i could leave, two cars had to be moved to take the spot that i was vacating, so i had to wait for the other car to drive around the block to get to me.

you know what's funny?  i had control of about half of the things that happened this morning.  first off, my alarm went off 10 times.  and i pressed the snooze.  MY FAULT.  makeup in my eye?  MY FAULT.  i could've just taken it off before i went to bed.  and because i was late, i took my irritation out on my roommates.  not their fault.  

but, in the car, as i sped away, fuming at myself for being such a dumbass. . .i thought to myself "now, kaia, what is this going to do for you today?"  and i actually said it out loud.  what was being pissed off, irritated, and anxious going to do for my day?  nothing good, that's for sure.  so, instead of carrying on with this nonsense, i decided i would get into work and have a good day.  

i'm in control of my thoughts.  because my thoughts are slaves to my emotions, i need to change my thinking.  if i can think things -- (whether outloud or in private) -- positively, i can change my emotions.  my feelings of angst and anger this morning quickly faded when i heard coldplay on the radio and noticed the sunshine that was inhabiting this beautiful city.  it's pretty beautiful if you think about it.  we have water, grass, rolling hills, and a drive out of the city to the nearby country is only about 20 minutes away.  i have the best of both worlds. 

so, if i can get on top of my thoughts, i feel like my attitude would be a hell of a lot different.  and today, being that i'm dressed like a hippy princess (or a teacher, depending on your opinion. . .) i'm feeling pretty peaceful.  i'm feeling like i'm the one in control of my life and because i'm in the driver's seat, it's my turn to drive and figure myself out.  finally. 

i went to the college bookstore today and spend $60 on new books.  i know, i know.  please don't get mad and tell me that i need to plan my money better.  this was $60 that i had set aside for this specific purpose.  additionally, i am a binge buyer when it comes to novels.  it's a bad and good habit.  bad because, yes, i'm a college student who is going to be in debt for quite some time. . .but good because these novels are such an escape and eye opener for me that it is impossible for me not to buy them.

i can see so much of myself in every character in every book that i read.  or, if i can't i realize that maybe i should (or definitely shouldn't) change my ideas a little bit to mold my life the way that the said character does.  

so my book list includes :  little bee, life with the lutherans, and some other novels that i can't wait to read.  i picture myself jumping into my princess bed and not emerging until i have sucked every single big idea that i can out of these books.  i prefer buying books over library books because my own books have a this really unique smell.  they smell a bit like me, i imagine, the oil on my fingers, the excitement that i have as i turn each page, but they also smell like the memories i have with the old books.  the different revelations i realize as i read through each of them again and again.  

library books, have a different scent.  countless people have fingered the pages, dogeared them and gotten what they will out of them, but i enjoy my books to be mine.  that way the book becomes a part of me.  i can highlight, write in the margin, and reread sentences, take in beautiful words, and expand my horizons as slowly or quickly as i want to. 

i've always had a problem with due dates, as well.  once, when i was a little girl, i had 17 books checked out from the library at once.  the library called my parents one day. . .and needless to say they were less than pleased.  we argued, and my 6 year old self begrudgingly found the 17 books and we returned them to loretta the librarian.  i didn't step foot in the library for a long time after that, too ashamed of my need to keep books for longer than allotted.

on my 7th birthday, the phone rang.  i was asleep, but woke up with a start when i heard the clang of the old time telephone downstairs.  my mom came up and said that i had a phone call.  my first response was, "is it the library?" 

it was my god mother, calling to wish her kaia papaya a happy birthday.

needless to say, since then, i prefer to buy my books.

call me crazy, and i think a lot of people who read this blog probably think that i am virtually insane.  whether i'm talking about my relationships with books or a bouquet of flowers, i'll hand it to you.  i am a little bit on crazy train.

but that's what makes me, me.  and at the end of the day, i've figured out that i kinda like who i'm becoming.  i'll never be exactly where i want to be, and the day i have it all figured out is the day that they'll be putting me in the ground. . .but you know what?  with heaven to look forward to, what have i got to lose?

i guess i'll just keep on being that binge buying book lady . . .

fight the good fight, 

+kaia

i haven't written in a couple days.

well to be honest, i have.  but i get busy and walk away from the computer and come back, realizing that everything i have written is complete shit.  nothing of substance, or more complaining.  

i'm doing really well.  despite the fact that the state fair is right outside my window and the fireworks that did and will go off every night at 11 PM for the next two weeks woke me up last night. . .that's nothing.  i wake up a little sleepy, but it's nothing that coffee can't handle. 

it's beginning to feel like fall here.  it's still summer, no question, but the weather is cooling off and it's swearshirts and sweatpants at night.  my favorite time of year.  the trees will soon change, and it will be football time.  score!

fall is my favorite season.  i think it's because you watch the change so slowly.  the world slowly kind evolves to a cooler, more inviting place.  i might be the only one to think this--i'm sure that people hate that summer ends, but with each ending comes a new beginning.  i tend to look at the year starting in september instead of january.  school's starting, i'm catching up with people i've not seen all summer long, and i'm starting fresh.  my new year's resolutions start in september instead of january.

what are they going to be this year?  well.  good question.

for one thing--i'm almost 22.  i need to stop biting my nails.  it's time.  i need to buy some of that stuff you put on to make them taste really bad.  except the problem is, i won't put it on my nails because i don't like the way it tastes.  how's that for irony?  come on.  so, this year.  i will stop biting my nails. 

i also need to start being on time for things.  my boss can almost guarantee that i'll be at least 10 minutes late for work.  she's started telling me that she needs me there half an hour before she actually does so that i'll be 15 minutes early.  thank god she's working with me.  i'm chronically late.  it's such a terrible habit.  sleeping just feels so good.  i'm rarely late after 12 PM.  but if you expect me somewhere in the morning, you can bet i'm going to be late.  gotta work on that. 

i need to start running again.  yes, i hate it.  god, i hate it.  but you know what?  i feel better when i do it.  i always put it off like i'll actually start doing it in a couple days, a week, whatever.  if i don't just get my ass outdoors, it's never going to happen.  i figure i have a couple months before the snow flies and so i can do it outside for as long as possible.  then, i'll have to revert back to the old treadmill (UGH).  but, i can do it!  

i need to take the teacher's exam and pass it.  yeah, it makes me nervous, yeah it makes me want to throw up.  but, i have to do it to be a licensed teacher.  it doesn't matter if i want to or not.  if i'm going to teach, i've got to do this.  yiiiikkkkesss (september 13 is the DDAY for test number 2)  

i'm sure there are tons of more things that i'll put on my list for this fall.  but, somehow, i'll conquer them all.  and if i don't, there's always next year. 

i'm beginning to understand that i have time to do and accomplish the things that i want to do.  what's the rush?  yeah, i have lots to do.  but, in making my lists, checking them twice, and crossing things off as i go. . .i'm going to be just fine. 

fall is a time to rediscover what it is i've been searching for for some time now.  fall is a time to revel in the beauty that is change.  


change is scary.  transitioning really can suck sometimes.  but change can also be good.  change can help us figure out what we want to be, who we want to be, and how we're going to do it, while giving us a fresh start to try it out on.  i see every fall as a clean slate.  a way for us to start over.  i'm going to give it my best shot and try again.  


maybe this year is going to be the year?  and if it's not. . .i'm gonna be just fine.

i'm ready for it!

fight the good fight,

+kaia  

be kaia . . . ?

so, i'll admit it.  i'm lost.

i'm in a place in my life that i've never been before.  i've lost my appetite for life, and i'm starving.

in conversation with my dad last night, he was encouraging me to just "be me".  just be yourself and the rest will follow.  sure, i've heard it before.  plenty of times.  but who is this person that they're talking about?  my dad always says that i've got so much personality and spirit that it's not even funny.

i don't get it.  where is it?  why can't i see it?  i used to be that gregarious girl, so proud of who she was, what she stood for, and where she came from.  and now?  . . .

nobody could ever tell me who to be.  of this, i am sure.  i'm way too hard headed and crazy to listen to what other people tell me.  and when people try to tell me who they think i am, i usually don't believe what they're saying anyway.  i've had this complex since i was 15:  the "i'm not good enough" complex.  i'm not good enough to find a husband, i'm not good enough to graduate from college and get a job, i'm not good enough to afford a nice, expensive dress.  i'm not good enough to take a damn compliment.  please excuse my french, really i apologize, but what the shit is wrong with me?

who taught me that i don't deserve anything good?  who decided that i wasn't good enough to deserve the things that i believe that every other woman in my life deserves?  when did i deem myself unworthy of a happy life?

i think looking back on my life thus far, there have been many moments that i've been torn down so low to believe that i don't deserve anything.  this isn't to say that i've had such a crappy life and that i deserve the a pity party all around.  because i know that that isn't what i want.  but, my question is, where did that zest for life go?  where did that little girl with the white blonde hair who used to play games underneath the oak trees go?

i know that as you grow up, you lose some of your childish inhibition, of course.  you figure that you have to actually grow up a little and do all of those mundane grown up tasks.  you lose some of that spunk and spirit.  the thing is, though, up until now, this point, i never lost it.  and that was something that i loved about myself.  the terms "kaia" and "spitfire" were commonly used in the same sentence.  now, i feel like the terms "kaia" and "anxious" work in better conjunction.

i can't pinpoint exactly what it is.  exactly what i lost and can't find, or why am i so adamant about searching for it.  i really can't.  all i know is that if i don't get back on the right track soon, my senior year or college, now looming on the horizon, is going to be very, very miserable.  and being miserable makes you tired.  and being tired makes you crabby.  none of which i want to be during my last year as a college student. 

so, every night i fall asleep with my mind going a mile a minute.  if you don't believe me, think of it this way.  each night as i'm falling asleep, i have a movie reel going in my head that is traveling at about 140 miles per hour.  things go through this movie reel that i should have done that day, or a particular time when something happened a mistake i've made, something i've done. . .it just never stops.  so last night, i asked God to come into my mind and slow it down.  i asked God to come in to my mind and into my heart and calm me down.

i'm not kidding you--i was begging.  i could feel it in the tips of my toes.  at this time when i feel so lost, there is one thing that i am sure that i need.  so positive.  and that's God.  i am unsure of pretty much everything else in my life.  but i'm sure that i'm a baptized, child of God.

i know who's i am.

i'm going to be just fine.

fight the good fight,

+kaia