above is a picture of the last advent vespers service that i was a part of. it was also my last performance with the augsburg choir. i don't think i've ever sobbed so hard as i did after this service was finished. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done...and of course i got the worst cold of my life right before these performances. i was feverish and emotional. WHAT a combination.
advent vespers is usually the kick off to my christmas season. this year, however, i am finding it so difficult to get out of the slump of depression i'm feeling post first semester. remember how i was going to have the best year ever this year? i'm finding out now that though my hopes and aspirations were set so high--i stumbled along, somehow making it. just making it.
not that it hasn't been an enjoyable ride. it absolutely has been. i've gotten closer with plenty of people, learned so much about myself and who i want to be, and even got my dog back! there have been so many highlights of this semester. so many triumphs. but also, so many defeats. these defeats came to me as a product of things i could have prevented, but also came from things that were out of my control. but, i am proud to say, that within each defeat, i got up, brushed myself off and kept going.
i am astounded at the strength that i have receieved throughout these falls. i don't know exactly where it came from--however, i think a majority of this semester was a product of unanswered prayers. they always say that some of the best gifts are unanswered prayers and i am seeing this two times over this semester. as i sit and reflect back on this semester it is clear that yes, i stumbled through it. but you know what? i've gotten really good at stumbling. i might even say i've mastered it. how appropriate, now then, that a certain song is playing on my itunes..."bruises" by chairlift is droning in my ears and i find myself grateful for the black and blues that i've gotten this year.
a new year is quietly looming on the horizon...where did time go? how is this semester over? no idea. but i know that this year, i kick off my christmas season quite differently. i don't kick it off with advent vespers as i usually do, i sky rocket into this season grateful for the black and blues of my year. grateful for those times of stumbling and unanswered prayers. where did this come from? the grace of god would be an appropriate guess, in my estimation.
i am grateful for this pit stops along the way. the pit stops on this never ending high way of my life with those that surround me with love and peace. i've gotten twice as close with my family--allowing them to be a part of this stumbling with me and allowing them to pick me up during these painful spots. my friends are held closer than ever. those that i can wake up in the middle of the night with yet another crisis--and those that are there with a bottle of wine ready to take on my next gluten free meal. i am grateful to those at school who have, through my tears, listened to me, embraced my broken spirit and have willingly, stood up for me and gotten me through.
so this year, this christmas, i am grateful. through my tears, i am grateful.
remember that this year--family and friends are so important. faith, is so important. without these things, nothing else would seem to matter. through all of those nasty, complaining, droning on blog posts--i got through.
so here i am. bruised, tearful, and shining.
grateful.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
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