this post will remain untitled. 

sometimes i wonder how tired people (if any one actually reads this) get of my droning on and complaining.  somehow, i end up with optimism in my tone at the end of each and every post, excluding one, in which there was literal steam coming out of my ears and i was at a very bad place.  ugly, if you will.

tonight, i can't say what it is that is on my heart.  i started out the new year well--surrounded by friends and those who were close to me.  i had a good holiday--i enjoyed eating good food and being amidst family members who i don't normally see.  however, this year, i can't help but feel incredibly empty as the new year begins.

at this point, it isn't being without a mate.  it isn't being without someone to cuddle with, listen to music with, laugh with, etc.  i'm actually figuring out that i kind of walk to the beat of my own drum...(shocking, isn't it?)  but i do so in such a way that at this point it would be awfully hard for me to be with someone who wasn't willing to do a lot of compromising.  i am the mother of a beautiful puppy dog who i could afford to take some love lessons from, and i stay up late and do things at my own pace.  i listen to norah jones incessantly, and a cook a lot of food that most people say looks like vomit.  so at this point, i don't feel empty because i'm without that "someone" in my life.

something has to change.  i don't know what it is exactly--what i want so badly in my life that i don't have or how i will work to get it.  i've thought that this impending semester might be a great time to make some of those changes, but in reality--this isn't the time to dye my hair brown or do something drastic with my daily makeup routine.  this is a time to close the books, finish this chapter of my life and do it in a honorable and complete way.  this is no right or wrong way to do this--which i am finding on daily basis. 

i'm wondering--maybe i just have to be miserable for these next couple of months so that i can get into a lifestyle that i choose, with the people that i choose...or completely start over?  maybe i have to go through this depressed mode and allow loneliness and depression to hang out in my room each and every night to get where i want to be.  i don't ever allow myself to be depressed--i always feel like i should be picking myself up because there are so many things to be happy about. 

i wanted to share an article from a magazine i just finished reading.  i thought this was especially interesting beacuse the author touched on her college days and the emotional rollercoaster she herself seemed to be on:

The Psychology of Happiness
By:  Meg Wolitzer

"For years--a period that stretched from high school through college and then deep into the murk of my 20s--my friends and I were intensely aware of all our feeling-states and desires, whether good or bad. Several of us went to the same therapist, whose name was Martha, and her office had a cocktail party-with a turnstile quality to it.  'Oh hey, how are you, Meg?' someone might say on her way out.  'Great shoes.'  Personal happiness was something we deliberately strove for, often in the form of men, women, a first big professional success, or a cheap walk-up apartment, though of course we were often beset by dramatic sorrow (cue Martha).  This period of flux went on for a long time.  Life was peppered with love and excitement and tears, and my friends and I had learned to be human barometers for our own happiness.  But then time sped forward, and while the actual catalysts for happiness continued to change, a strange thing happened:  Happiness seemed less relevant as a goal, and things seemed less awful when it didn't appear.  And now the truth is that at this particular moment in my life, I no longer think in terms of 'happy' and 'unhappy', the way I did when I was in third grade, or as a young woman in my own era's version of a paisley minidress.  It's not only that I've aged, but the world has, too.  At this point, being happy is about having the space to appreciate the ordinary things that do in fact make me 'happy,' thought at first glance they might not be see that way.  An absences of chaos; an absence of phone calls with disturbing news; an absence of business emails that upend your day and demand attention right then and there; no acutely ill parents; no fragile children calling shakily from college.  Being able to sit down with a glass of wine and some really good, tiny little olives; having a nice meal that's not rushed or fraught.  These seem like small things, perhaps like pedestrian things, but I protect them fiercely, knowing that on the other side of an imaginary wall waits the possibility that all of them will soon be gone, and that something terrible will replace them.  But I no longer quake in fear.  I used to think that happiness was something a person was so lucky to find that, like Lord Voldemort (a.k.a He Who Must Not Be Named), it should never actually be mentioned.  Now, with happiness taking on a new, modest cast, the fear of losing it is smaller, too."

i so wish i could write like this woman.  she puts it so nicely--not in a cookie cutter "you could be happy" snow patrol version.  but really, dissecting things that bring her happiness.  yes, i am miserable.  i admit it.  no more hiding behind optimisim and glass half full bullshit.  i am struggling.  but tonight, i enjoyed a glass of wine and a few great magazine articles with my puppy snoring at my feet.  i lit some candles, played my favorite norah jones songs, and had a little snippet of happiness in the midst of the misery. 

i'm in a transition period of my life--i begin student teaching in march which is a wakeup call within itself.  in the next couple of months, i have to decide what kind of job i want to get, where i want to live, and who i am going to continue to share my life with.  i'm at some sort of crossroads, and it definitely isn't easy.  on top of that, i have wonderful group of girlfriends who all have boyfriends, husbands, or some kind of love in their life.  where do i fit in?

i guess i'm going to keep finding those snippets and remain untitled for awhile.

fight the good fight,
+kaia