finding balance.

so here i am. 

on the cusp of beginning my career, graduating from college, loving my girlfriends and family, and hanging out with a really nice guy. 

my heart is so full of joy and peace that i could shout it from the rooftops.  i find myself using words like "groovy", "radical", and "awesome" on a more regular basis.  i smile in my car--by myself.  

however, you know what?  i am not doing these things because i'm beginning my career, graduating from college, loving my girlfriends and family, or because i'm hanging out with a really nice guy.  

i have realized over the past couple of weeks that i really like who i am.  like, seriously.  i am kind of kick ass.  i don't mean to toot my own horn here.  honestly, i don't.  but believe me, i have wasted so much time thinking that having a "best friend", "boyfriend", "boss", love you is a prerequisite to loving yourself.

my life is so richly blessed.  i have a roof over my head, a car to drive, a loving family, an adorable puppy dog, and a ever loving God who answers my prayers and carries me when i can't walk.  when i am at my weakest--He is at his strongest.  after i had put down the qualms i have about myself or my life and have accepted the little things that make me, me (and awesome at that), i began to realize that there is nothing more important than having a loving relationship with yourself.

cue the sex and the city monologue :  “Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

this relationship that i have with myself is one that goes through a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis.  i recognize the strong, stoic, norwegian blood flowing through my veins, but i also embrace the culture, systems, and ideas of the metropolis and people around me.  i am grateful for this diversity because it makes me who i am.  i have picked and chosen different aspects of this life for me to use to plant seeds in my heart to truly grow.  i use the learning strategies that i learn about in my classes in school to develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship with myself.

all of these "prerequisites" to loving myself have fallen by the wayside.  i have surrounded myself with people who love the me that i love and who are interested in learning more about me.  i have set goals for myself and for my future.  i am unafraid of the things that used to scare the living daylights out of me.  teaching, deep friendship, even love are not as untouchable or scary to me any more. 

i have taken control of the things that are of the most importance to me and have worn the different things that i have decided for myself on a daily basis.  my handshake is firmer, my smile is genuine, and my care and concern for myself has dramatically changed.

i guess in a way i have found someone to love the me that i love.

and she's been looking at me in the mirror every day for 22 years.

fight the good fight,
+kaia