i went to a funeral today. i didn't know the man who passed away well, but from what i heard from those who loved him, he was quite the guy. he had an impeccable sense of humor, loved all, and was a man who spread that love to every one he met. from what i heard today, he was an amazing man.
love. the common theme throughout the entire service. at this point, i'm not ready or willing to start a family (you're welcome, mom), but i am willing and ready to love. i sat through this service, my tearstained face becoming dry, and i thought, "that's it! i'm going to start loving people the way they deserve to be loved TODAY." i thought that i would drop all of the silliness and stress, and just love. let go of all of my grudges, forget about the shortcomings that we all have, and just love everyone.
i'll betcha God is laughing at me right now. of course, He provides the things we need to make changes in our lives, but the thing is, i have a heck of a lot of work to do. it's been a long time since i sat down and really took a look at myself and about those things i need to work on. in previous posts, i droned on and on about how important this relationship that i have with myself is, and how i was taking a hard look at myself and using the things i was learning to grow.
i don't know what stopped me from continuing and from getting so foggy eyed that i forgot. i forgot to look at those issues that i have with growing up, with loving someone else, with my relationship with God. i forgot to keep growing. i think i got so wrapped up in the many ever flowing issues that i've got going on, that i got lost. i lost myself and forgot about love.
this time of year, for me anyway, is a perfect time to recollect on love. for one thing, we're embarking on our Holy Week journey. we are taking the journey that Jesus took when He died for us on the cross. and that's only the beginning!
i was loved by Christ so much that He died on a cross, forgiving me all of my sins, so that I COULD BE FREE. i could be free of all of these issues that i have with myself. these issues that i'm encountering now, and those issues that rearise after years of healing. so, is Holy Week not a perfect time to acknowledge those things and deal with them?
this is not to say that i'm going to dwell on the fact that my life is a mess right now, that i'm relearning how to let someone into my walls, that i don't treat my friends exactly the way the should be treated, that i don't call my parents enough, or that sometimes, i have the tendency to be a real jerk. alas, i'm not dwelling. i'm simply acknowledging. in my previous post, you might have read those words that elizabeth gilbert wrote in (you guessed it!) eat, pray, love. she invited all of the hardship, pain, mistakes, and shortcomings into her heart and let go of them.
now, i'm not very good at letting go. i can certainly forgive, but i've got a witty way of bringing up old news rather well. it's not one of my best or most admirable traits. it annoys the snot out of me, so i can't imagine what it does to those i love. this is one of the issues that i must deal with. but by inviting all of this sorrow into my heart, i'm acknowledging that yes, i've got issues, but no, they aren't going to be the end all be all of who i am.
when i'm surrounded by my family, i feel my very best. this is somewhat surprising because i've always hated being compared to the doctor, the grad student, the world changer. but lately, i've realized, hey, i've got a lot to offer. but what is hindering me is that i won't allow myself to reach this potential. i know that i could be a great teacher. i know that i can counsel and be there for people. i know that i can write down and come clean with my emotions. i know i can make a kick ass casserole for someone who needs it. i know that when someone needs me (middle of the night, an after work trip to the clinic, ANYTHING) i can do that. i know that i can love someone to the moon and beyond.
so why don't i do those things? well. i know i can also be dishonest. i know that i can let my frustration get the best of me. i know that i can get irritated with those around me based on a completely different irritation. i know that i can push. i know that i can be greedy. i know that i can be ungrateful and rude. i know that sometimes, i don't think about the way my decisions affect other people. i know that i can be really shitty sometimes.
by the admission of my own sins (the ones listed here are just the beginning of a LONG list), i'm hoping to continue this work that i'm striving to continue. i'm a "wild haired work in progress" as i say...so i need to continue to work on this.
my dad pointed out that when i get stressed or in that freak out mode, i tend to push away those i love. i get defensive and put up this big wall so that no one can hurt me, when i am the one who is really hurting myself. i create such a dramatic experience for those involved that they'd think they were on "one life to live" or something. believe me, i acknowledge this. there are those weeks, or in this case, months, when you talk to me and you're never quite sure what you're going to get.
so. for this. i publicly apologize. i know that no one is near perfect, but on the cusp of this Easter season, i want to be the first to throw the stone. at myself. i'm no where near worthy of the love that i receive from those in my life and yet it is freely given. so know this. i am grateful. i am learning. i am working on it.
i locked my keys in my car this weekend--this is how distracted i've been. i left izzy outside when i let her out to pee. my car is a mess, my room is a disaster, and my brain...well, MUSH. however, here i am, trying to be humble and diligent in reminding myself of those things that i must focus and learn from at the end of this lenten season.
so, when i got home from this funeral, remember how i said i was going to love everyone exactly how they were, drop the dramatics, and just simply LOVE? hilarious, kaia. within 2 hours, i was acting the way that i specifically did not want to act. foolishly, thoughtlessly, and ridiculously. i guess what paul was saying in romans 7 matches me perfectly:
"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
lucky for me, even though i'm a slave to those thoughts, those actions, and those silly behaviors, i can continue to move forward. another common theme in my life.
"26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 1 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
HALLELUJAH!
so. here i am. a work in progress. thankful for the gift of the death and resurrection of a God who loves and will continue to love me through my sinfulness.
as a reminder to myself, here's a letter i got from my grandma. yes, there are things i need to work on. yes, i have my pitfalls. but here's someone in my life who thinks that I am a blessing.
Dearest Kaia,
We hope all is going well for you. I've heard you love practice teaching. That is such good news! If that is what you choose to do, you will do great at it. Whatever you choose to do, you'll do well. I KNOW! You are such a blessing to us, Kaia. We are so thankful for our whole family. Thanks be to God! Kaia, you are blessed to be a blessing. Love you always, honey! Grandma
Grandpa says: Go for it, girl! :)
so there you have it folks.
i'll keep fighting the good fight.
+kaia
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"one by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves. i looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, and i acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain. and then i would tell that sorrow, 'it's OK. i love you. i accept you. come into my heart now. it's over.' i would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). then i would say, 'next?' and the next bit of grief would surface. i would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart, too. i did this with every sorrowful thought i'd ever had--reaching back into years of memory--until nothing was left.
then i said to my mind, 'show me your anger now.' one by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known. every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. i saw them all, one by one, and i acknowledged their existence. i felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and i would say, 'come into my heart now. you can rest there. it's safe now. it's over. i love you.' this went on for hours, and i swung between those mighty poles of opposite feelings--experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting.
then came the most difficult part. 'show me your shame,' i asked my mind. dear God, the horrors that i saw then. a pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. i didn't blink from any of it, though. 'show me your worst,' i said. when i tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, 'no--you don't want me in there...don't you know what i did?' and i would say, 'i do want you. even you. i do. even you are welcome here. it's OK. you are forgiven. you are part of me. you can rest now. it's over.
when all of this was finished, i was empty. nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. i looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and i saw its capacity. i saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. its love was infinite.
i knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell [on earth], except maybe in our own terrified minds. because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine--just imagine!--what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.
i also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. i knew that i was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness, and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. i knew that i would have to keep dealing with these thoughts again and again until i slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. and that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. but my heart said to my mind in the dark silence: 'i love you, i will never leave you, i will always take care of you.' that promise floated up out of my heart and i caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as i left..."
-elizabeth gilbert
still keeping the faith.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
then i said to my mind, 'show me your anger now.' one by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known. every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. i saw them all, one by one, and i acknowledged their existence. i felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and i would say, 'come into my heart now. you can rest there. it's safe now. it's over. i love you.' this went on for hours, and i swung between those mighty poles of opposite feelings--experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting.
then came the most difficult part. 'show me your shame,' i asked my mind. dear God, the horrors that i saw then. a pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. i didn't blink from any of it, though. 'show me your worst,' i said. when i tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, 'no--you don't want me in there...don't you know what i did?' and i would say, 'i do want you. even you. i do. even you are welcome here. it's OK. you are forgiven. you are part of me. you can rest now. it's over.
when all of this was finished, i was empty. nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. i looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and i saw its capacity. i saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. its love was infinite.
i knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell [on earth], except maybe in our own terrified minds. because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine--just imagine!--what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.
i also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. i knew that i was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness, and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. i knew that i would have to keep dealing with these thoughts again and again until i slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. and that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. but my heart said to my mind in the dark silence: 'i love you, i will never leave you, i will always take care of you.' that promise floated up out of my heart and i caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as i left..."
-elizabeth gilbert
still keeping the faith.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Sunday, April 3, 2011
"i've been thinkin' 'bout the lips i've been kissin', thinkin' of all i've done wrong. in my blessings i've counted, i've figured it out in my head--yeah it took me awhile, to figure it out. i've been stupid and blind, not to mention preoccupied with other things in my head. and your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me time, it will take me awhile. to figure out, but when i come around, oh, so hold me tight as you say love good night. plant a sweet one on my forehead. say i'll wait for your baby til you've grown, and maybe, we'll never be parted again. just figure out, you're my peace and serenity, my love and my perfect puzzle piece. we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning there's light, light, light. goodnight, goodnight. 'cause you're my peace and serenity, my love, and my perfect puzzle piece. we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning. there's light, light, light. goodnight..."
http://www.myspace.com/beckyshaheen
ir's been a rough couple of days. these past few days have been filled with emotion and i can't say i'm sad to see this weekend go.
relationships are tough--regardless of who they are with. it's hard to read some one and know exactly what their expectations are and really deal with them when you learn what they are. it's hard to compromise when everything in you is begging you not to compromise one more time. it's also hard to learn how to put someone else's needs before your own.
i'm learning all of the gritty things about relationships in every aspect of my life at this moment. i am horribly crabby most of the time, due to lack of sleep and stress. i sometimes forget that there is even a bright side--let alone one in my reach. i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning because i am just so damn tired.
but tonight, i am sit with izzy in my princess bed and i feel at peace. i have a wonderful man in my life who is compassionate and patient with me and who i can actually fight with. when i say actually fight with i don't mean it in a derogatory sense. i've finally met someone who will fight with me and not leave. who will stay when the going gets rough and actually put up with me. believe me--i am not easy to deal with. i have so many issues that are unfathomable to some people and who might drive someone actually insane.
i've heard my friend becky shaheen perform the song above a couple of times and i've always liked it. however, with my current situation--it is so fitting. i'm not perfect, i screw up just as much as the next person. i'm not good at accepting apologies or forgetting issues after they have been put to rest. i have anxiety, i get jealous, sometimes i even yell. but "your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me..." is so fitting for every relationship that i have in my life. those with my friends and family--i'm student teaching and a wreck after school, but i appreciate your patience. i appreciate you all letting me call you for a 15 minute bitch session about nothing and the subjectivity that i receive on the other end of the phone. i appreciate the love and prayers i've gotten from my family. i appreciate the patience, the hugs, the reassurance.
i'm a working in progress, as i've always been, but lately, i've been recognizing things about my self that need a little bit more work than i thought they did. i know i have the capacity to love and cherish someone, but i didn't know i would suck so bad with apologies. i know that i can be the most carefree person in the universe, but i didn't think i would stumble around so much with letting something go. i am an optimistic person, so i didn't realize that i would be so worried that the universe was going to give me the short end of the stick (again).
there are these internal battles that i'm fighting about being in a relationship with someone. i've prayed someone like this for as long as i can remember, and i cherish all of the time that we spend together. i don't always act that way, however. sometimes, i act the exact opposite of how i feel. i act like a psychomaniac who literally has no frontal lobe. sometimes i just push so hard--and i don't know why--to see how far i can get before someone cracks. and for what? that's not going to get me anywhere.
i call people out for being too guarded and not letting me in all of the time when i haven't realized that my walls are just as high (if not higher) than those in question. it hurts to be this brutally honest with myself, but what a surprise, kaia's got issues.
i have found someone who could potentially be my "puzzle piece", who treats me well and is actually interested in me and my interests. listens when i'm upset, hears me when i am crazy, acknowledges my good points when i especially don't deserve it, and loves me regardless. what? and i react by being a psychomaniac. beating a dead horse. not letting go of things or allowing him to just love me.
i guess what we all have to do is just take that leap. while free falling, i have to figure out how to smush all of those negative, derogatory images from my mind and just be. what's the rush? i don't know why i need to see a finish line right now, i'm 22 years old. i should be enjoying my life and allowing some one in to enjoy with me without the added pressure of marriage, babies, RIGHT NOW. of course, those things are fun to imagine and talk about, but when did it become all about the future and not about right now?
so for those of you that i have pushed away or thought negatively about, please accept my apology and know that i am working on it. i'm a work in progress, i don't think i'll ever stop being that, but i also know that i am praying for the strength and clarity to be better for those that i love. i am working to become this person that i envision myself to be. there are going to be those days of struggle, yes, but the fact that i'm still fighting says something, right?
fight the good fight,
+kaia
http://www.myspace.com/beckyshaheen
ir's been a rough couple of days. these past few days have been filled with emotion and i can't say i'm sad to see this weekend go.
relationships are tough--regardless of who they are with. it's hard to read some one and know exactly what their expectations are and really deal with them when you learn what they are. it's hard to compromise when everything in you is begging you not to compromise one more time. it's also hard to learn how to put someone else's needs before your own.
i'm learning all of the gritty things about relationships in every aspect of my life at this moment. i am horribly crabby most of the time, due to lack of sleep and stress. i sometimes forget that there is even a bright side--let alone one in my reach. i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning because i am just so damn tired.
but tonight, i am sit with izzy in my princess bed and i feel at peace. i have a wonderful man in my life who is compassionate and patient with me and who i can actually fight with. when i say actually fight with i don't mean it in a derogatory sense. i've finally met someone who will fight with me and not leave. who will stay when the going gets rough and actually put up with me. believe me--i am not easy to deal with. i have so many issues that are unfathomable to some people and who might drive someone actually insane.
i've heard my friend becky shaheen perform the song above a couple of times and i've always liked it. however, with my current situation--it is so fitting. i'm not perfect, i screw up just as much as the next person. i'm not good at accepting apologies or forgetting issues after they have been put to rest. i have anxiety, i get jealous, sometimes i even yell. but "your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me..." is so fitting for every relationship that i have in my life. those with my friends and family--i'm student teaching and a wreck after school, but i appreciate your patience. i appreciate you all letting me call you for a 15 minute bitch session about nothing and the subjectivity that i receive on the other end of the phone. i appreciate the love and prayers i've gotten from my family. i appreciate the patience, the hugs, the reassurance.
i'm a working in progress, as i've always been, but lately, i've been recognizing things about my self that need a little bit more work than i thought they did. i know i have the capacity to love and cherish someone, but i didn't know i would suck so bad with apologies. i know that i can be the most carefree person in the universe, but i didn't think i would stumble around so much with letting something go. i am an optimistic person, so i didn't realize that i would be so worried that the universe was going to give me the short end of the stick (again).
there are these internal battles that i'm fighting about being in a relationship with someone. i've prayed someone like this for as long as i can remember, and i cherish all of the time that we spend together. i don't always act that way, however. sometimes, i act the exact opposite of how i feel. i act like a psychomaniac who literally has no frontal lobe. sometimes i just push so hard--and i don't know why--to see how far i can get before someone cracks. and for what? that's not going to get me anywhere.
i call people out for being too guarded and not letting me in all of the time when i haven't realized that my walls are just as high (if not higher) than those in question. it hurts to be this brutally honest with myself, but what a surprise, kaia's got issues.
i have found someone who could potentially be my "puzzle piece", who treats me well and is actually interested in me and my interests. listens when i'm upset, hears me when i am crazy, acknowledges my good points when i especially don't deserve it, and loves me regardless. what? and i react by being a psychomaniac. beating a dead horse. not letting go of things or allowing him to just love me.
i guess what we all have to do is just take that leap. while free falling, i have to figure out how to smush all of those negative, derogatory images from my mind and just be. what's the rush? i don't know why i need to see a finish line right now, i'm 22 years old. i should be enjoying my life and allowing some one in to enjoy with me without the added pressure of marriage, babies, RIGHT NOW. of course, those things are fun to imagine and talk about, but when did it become all about the future and not about right now?
so for those of you that i have pushed away or thought negatively about, please accept my apology and know that i am working on it. i'm a work in progress, i don't think i'll ever stop being that, but i also know that i am praying for the strength and clarity to be better for those that i love. i am working to become this person that i envision myself to be. there are going to be those days of struggle, yes, but the fact that i'm still fighting says something, right?
fight the good fight,
+kaia
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