"i've been thinkin' 'bout the lips i've been kissin', thinkin' of all i've done wrong.  in my blessings i've counted, i've figured it out in my head--yeah it took me awhile, to figure it out.  i've been stupid and blind, not to mention preoccupied with other things in my head.  and your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me time, it will take me awhile.  to figure out, but when i come around, oh, so hold me tight as you say love good night.  plant a sweet one on my forehead.  say i'll wait for your baby til you've grown, and maybe, we'll never be parted again.  just figure out, you're my peace and serenity, my love and my perfect puzzle piece.  we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning there's light, light, light.  goodnight, goodnight.  'cause you're my peace and serenity, my love, and my perfect puzzle piece.  we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning.  there's light, light, light.  goodnight..."

http://www.myspace.com/beckyshaheen


ir's been a rough couple of days.  these past few days have been filled with emotion and i can't say i'm sad to see this weekend go.

relationships are tough--regardless of who they are with.  it's hard to read some one and know exactly what their expectations are and really deal with them when you learn what they are.  it's hard to compromise when everything in you is begging you not to compromise one more time.  it's also hard to learn how to put someone else's needs before your own.

i'm learning all of the gritty things about relationships in every aspect of my life at this moment.  i am horribly crabby most of the time, due to lack of sleep and stress.  i sometimes forget that there is even a bright side--let alone one in my reach.  i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning because i am just so damn tired.

but tonight, i am sit with izzy in my princess bed and i feel at peace.  i have a wonderful man in my life who is compassionate and patient with me and who i can actually fight with.  when i say actually fight with i don't mean it in a derogatory sense.  i've finally met someone who will fight with me and not leave.  who will stay when the going gets rough and actually put up with me.  believe me--i am not easy to deal with.  i have so many issues that are unfathomable to some people and who might drive someone actually insane.

i've heard my friend becky shaheen perform the song above a couple of times and i've always liked it.  however, with my current situation--it is so fitting.  i'm not perfect, i screw up just as much as the next person.  i'm not good at accepting apologies or forgetting issues after they have been put to rest.  i have anxiety, i get jealous, sometimes i even yell.  but "your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me..." is so fitting for every relationship that i have in my life.  those with my friends and family--i'm student teaching and a wreck after school, but i appreciate your patience.  i appreciate you all letting me call you for a 15 minute bitch session about nothing and the subjectivity that i receive on the other end of the phone.  i appreciate the love and prayers i've gotten from my family.  i appreciate the patience, the hugs, the reassurance.

i'm a working in progress, as i've always been, but lately, i've been recognizing things about my self that need a little bit more work than i thought they did.  i know i have the capacity to love and cherish someone, but i didn't know i would suck so bad with apologies.  i know that i can be the most carefree person in the universe, but i didn't think i would stumble around so much with letting something go.  i am an optimistic person, so i didn't realize that i would be so worried that the universe was going to give me the short end of the stick (again).

there are these internal battles that i'm fighting about being in a relationship with someone.  i've prayed someone like this for as long as i can remember, and i cherish all of the time that we spend together.  i don't always act that way, however.  sometimes, i act the exact opposite of how i feel.  i act like a psychomaniac who literally has no frontal lobe.  sometimes i just push so hard--and i don't know why--to see how far i can get before someone cracks.  and for what?  that's not going to get me anywhere.

i call people out for being too guarded and not letting me in all of the time when i haven't realized that my walls are just as high (if not higher) than those in question.  it hurts to be this brutally honest with myself, but what a surprise, kaia's got issues.

i have found someone who could potentially be my "puzzle piece", who treats me well and is actually interested in me and my interests.  listens when i'm upset, hears me when i am crazy, acknowledges my good points when i especially don't deserve it, and loves me regardless.  what?  and i react by being a psychomaniac.  beating a dead horse.  not letting go of things or allowing him to just love me.  

i guess what we all have to do is just take that leap.  while free falling, i have to figure out how to smush all of those negative, derogatory images from my mind and just be.  what's the rush?  i don't know why i need to see a finish line right now, i'm 22 years old.  i should be enjoying my life and allowing some one in to enjoy with me without the added pressure of marriage, babies, RIGHT NOW.  of course, those things are fun to imagine and talk about, but when did it become all about the future and not about right now?

so for those of you that i have pushed away or thought negatively about, please accept my apology and know that i am working on it.  i'm a work in progress, i don't think i'll ever stop being that, but i also know that i am praying for the strength and clarity to be better for those that i love.  i am working to become this person that i envision myself to be.  there are going to be those days of struggle, yes, but the fact that i'm still fighting says something, right? 

fight the good fight,
+kaia