i hope to never be this broke again. 

i hope to never work three jobs again.

i hope to never want to pull my hair out so bad again.

ever heard the saying, "when it rains, it pours!"?  that would be a snap shot of my life right now.  i'm student teaching, taking classes, working, and i have a sick puppy dog with her period.  too much information?  MY BAD.

i have never felt so much anxiety in my entire life.  i'm pretty good at putting on that "yeah, it's all good" bob marley sort of face, but in reality, i want to scream.  i want to run around with my curly, wild hair, screaming.  i'd like to give everyone a piece of my mind, curse periods of all sorts, all while picking $100 bills off trees.

woof.

i've felt off balance ever since i got back from a trip, and i don't know why i can't catch up to myself.  i can't sleep, i'm rarely hungry, and from my short fuse, you can tell that i am a mess.  i called my grandma the other day and left her a 7 minute voicemail.  could i tell you what i said?  something along the lines of being in a panic, having too much to do and not enough time, and then ending with "welp, i'll call you back when i'm more calm." 

woof.

aren't college seniors supposed to be "living it up"?  for me, this is the era of air quotes.  i am "supposed to be" doing at lot of things right now that i can't seem to get a handle on.  i can't talk to anyone about it because i fear they'll think i've finally gone off the deep end.  i am up to my ears in bills, school work, and puppy.  i can't keep swimming anymore.  i'm trying to hold on, but really?  could it stop anytime now?

woof.

the reality of the situation is that, no, it can't stop now.  as sad as it is, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.  i can't remember the last time i sat down and just sat instead of allowing each and every anxiety i have ever felt to crawl into my being.  i have been having back spasms because i can't calm down. 

where did the even keeled, calm, peaceful person go?  oh yeah, i lost her at birth.  the truth is, i think i've always been this way.  it's just that lately, i've really let the crazy come out.  thank god for those people who put up with the crazy, irritated, anxiety filled person that i am.  it's funny because i know that in the end, everything always works out.  i realize and definitely recognize the power of prayer and everything it does for me. 

i'm just waiting on that big, lump sum of money i'm going to get.  i'm waiting on my life as a stay at home mom (with the house, the suburban, and the children), i'm waiting on my next home, i'm waiting on izzy's period to go away, i'm waiting on graduation, i'm waiting on . . .

wait.  i'm waiting on what?  life to get easier?  life to get better?  i'm probably always going to worry about bills--i'm going to be a teacher for pete's sake.  post graduation, there's still going to be things to do!  people to please.  izzy might have some more tough times down the road.

it's time for me to face the music.  life is going to be difficult some times.  it's not going to be a walk in the park--in fact, sometimes it's going to straight up suck.  but that doesn't mean i have to have a negative attitude.  it doesn't mean that i can't continue living.  i'm going to survive.  i have been through much worse.  don't i end each and every blog post with "fight the good fight"?

take your own advice, kaia.  continue fighting the good fight!

so, if you are a person who puts up with my shenanigans, laughs at me when i'm anxious, or just lets me be me, thank you.  i love you.  you are wonderful.  please continue to keep me sane.

i need to stop waiting.

fight the good fight,
+kaia