"one by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves.  i looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, and i acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain.  and then i would tell that sorrow, 'it's OK.  i love you.  i accept you.  come into my heart now.  it's over.'  i would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room).  then i would say, 'next?' and the next bit of grief would surface.  i would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart, too.  i did this with every sorrowful thought i'd ever had--reaching back into years of memory--until nothing was left.

then i said to my mind, 'show me your anger now.'  one by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known.  every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage.  i saw them all, one by one, and i acknowledged their existence.  i felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and i would say, 'come into my heart now.  you can rest there.  it's safe now.  it's over.  i love you.'  this went on for hours, and i swung between those mighty poles of opposite feelings--experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting. 

then came the most difficult part.  'show me your shame,' i asked my mind.  dear God, the horrors that i saw then.  a pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance.  i didn't blink from any of it, though.  'show me your worst,' i said.  when i tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, 'no--you don't want me in there...don't you know what i did?' and i would say, 'i do want you.  even you.  i do.  even you are welcome here.  it's OK.  you are forgiven.  you are part of me.  you can rest now.  it's over.

when all of this was finished, i was empty.  nothing was fighting in my mind anymore.  i looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and i saw its capacity.  i saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more.  its love was infinite. 

i knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell [on earth], except maybe in our own terrified minds.  because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine--just imagine!--what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept. 

i also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary.  i knew that i was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness, and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more.  i knew that i would have to keep dealing with these thoughts again and again until i slowly and determinedly changed my whole life.  and that this would be difficult and exhausting to do.  but my heart said to my mind in the dark silence:  'i love you, i will never leave you, i will always take care of you.'  that promise floated up out of my heart and i caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as i left..."

-elizabeth gilbert

still keeping the faith.

fight the good fight,
+kaia