i went to a funeral today.  i didn't know the man who passed away well, but from what i heard from those who loved him, he was quite the guy.  he had an impeccable sense of humor, loved all, and was a man who spread that love to every one he met.  from what i heard today, he was an amazing man.

love.  the common theme throughout the entire service.  at this point, i'm not ready or willing to start a family (you're welcome, mom), but i am willing and ready to love.  i sat through this service, my tearstained face becoming dry, and i thought, "that's it!  i'm going to start loving people the way they deserve to be loved TODAY."  i thought that i would drop all of the silliness and stress, and just love.  let go of all of my grudges, forget about the shortcomings that we all have, and just love everyone.

i'll betcha God is laughing at me right now.  of course, He provides the things we need to make changes in our lives, but the thing is, i have a heck of a lot of work to do.  it's been a long time since i sat down and really took a look at myself and about those things i need to work on.  in previous posts, i droned on and on about how important this relationship that i have with myself is, and how i was taking a hard look at myself and using the things i was learning to grow. 

i don't know what stopped me from continuing and from getting so foggy eyed that i forgot.  i forgot to look at those issues that i have with growing up, with loving someone else, with my relationship with God.  i forgot to keep growing.  i think i got so wrapped up in the many ever flowing issues that i've got going on, that i got lost.  i lost myself and forgot about love.

this time of year, for me anyway, is a perfect time to recollect on love.  for one thing, we're embarking on our Holy Week journey.  we are taking the journey that Jesus took when He died for us on the cross.  and that's only the beginning! 

i was loved by Christ so much that He died on a cross, forgiving me all of my sins, so that I COULD BE FREE.  i could be free of all of these issues that i have with myself.  these issues that i'm encountering now, and those issues that rearise after years of healing.  so, is Holy Week not a perfect time to acknowledge those things and deal with them?

this is not to say that i'm going to dwell on the fact that my life is a mess right now, that i'm relearning how to let someone into my walls, that i don't treat my friends exactly the way the should be treated, that i don't call my parents enough, or that sometimes, i have the tendency to be a real jerk.  alas, i'm not dwelling.  i'm simply acknowledging.  in my previous post, you might have read those words that elizabeth gilbert wrote in (you guessed it!)  eat, pray, love.  she invited all of the hardship, pain, mistakes, and shortcomings into her heart and let go of them.

now, i'm not very good at letting go.  i can certainly forgive, but i've got a witty way of bringing up old news rather well.  it's not one of my best or most admirable traits.  it annoys the snot out of me, so i can't imagine what it does to those i love.  this is one of the issues that i must deal with.  but by inviting all of this sorrow into my heart, i'm acknowledging that yes, i've got issues, but no, they aren't going to be the end all be all of who i am. 

when i'm surrounded by my family, i feel my very best.  this is somewhat surprising because i've always hated being compared to the doctor, the grad student, the world changer.  but lately, i've realized, hey, i've got a lot to offer.  but what is hindering me is that i won't allow myself to reach this potential.  i know that i could be a great teacher.  i know that i can counsel and be there for people.  i know that i can write down and come clean with my emotions.  i know i can make a kick ass casserole for someone who needs it.  i know that when someone needs me (middle of the night, an after work trip to the clinic, ANYTHING) i can do that.  i know that i can love someone to the moon and beyond. 

so why don't i do those things?  well.  i know i can also be dishonest.  i know that i can let my frustration get the best of me.  i know that i can get irritated with those around me based on a completely different irritation.  i know that i can push.  i know that i can be greedy.  i know that i can be ungrateful and rude.  i know that sometimes, i don't think about the way my decisions affect other people.  i know that i can be really shitty sometimes.

by the admission of my own sins (the ones listed here are just the beginning of a LONG list), i'm hoping to continue this work that i'm striving to continue.  i'm a "wild haired work in progress" as i say...so i need to continue to work on this. 

my dad pointed out that when i get stressed or in that freak out mode, i tend to push away those i love.  i get defensive and put up this big wall so that no one can hurt me, when i am the one who is really hurting myself.  i create such a dramatic experience for those involved that they'd think they were on "one life to live" or something.  believe me, i acknowledge this.  there are those weeks, or in this case, months, when you talk to me and you're never quite sure what you're going to get. 

so.  for this.  i publicly apologize.  i know that no one is near perfect, but on the cusp of this Easter season, i want to be the first to throw the stone.  at myself.  i'm no where near worthy of the love that i receive from those in my life and yet it is freely given.  so know this.  i am grateful.  i am learning.  i am working on it. 

i locked my keys in my car this weekend--this is how distracted i've been.  i left izzy outside when i let her out to pee.  my car is a mess, my room is a disaster, and my brain...well, MUSH.  however, here i am, trying to be humble and diligent in reminding myself of those things that i must focus and learn from at the end of this lenten season. 

so, when i got home from this funeral, remember how i said i was going to love everyone exactly how they were, drop the dramatics, and just simply LOVE?  hilarious, kaia.  within 2 hours, i was acting the way that i specifically did not want to act.  foolishly, thoughtlessly, and ridiculously.  i guess what paul was saying in romans 7 matches me perfectly:

^"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

 lucky for me, even though i'm a slave to those thoughts, those actions, and those silly behaviors, i can continue to move forward.  another common theme in my life. 

^"26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 1 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:
 
 “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
 
 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

HALLELUJAH!

so.  here i am.  a work in progress.  thankful for the gift of the death and resurrection of a God who loves and will continue to love me through my sinfulness.

as a reminder to myself, here's a letter i got from my grandma.  yes, there are things i need to work on.  yes, i have my pitfalls.  but here's someone in my life who thinks that I am a blessing.  

Dearest Kaia,
We hope all is going well for you.  I've heard you love practice teaching.  That is such good news!  If that is what you choose to do, you will do great at it.  Whatever you choose to do, you'll do well.  I KNOW!  You are such a blessing to us, Kaia.  We are so thankful for our whole family.  Thanks be to God!  Kaia, you are blessed to be a blessing.  Love you always, honey!  Grandma

Grandpa says:  Go for it, girl!  :)  

so there you have it folks. 

i'll keep fighting the good fight.

+kaia