today was such a productive day.  i worked out, wrote 3 VERY challenging lesson plans, wrote a "quantification for retelling expository texts"  (don't ask, i don't even know what it is)  and prepared for a week of full time teaching. 

i've been teaching full time for about 2 weeks now, minus the fourth grade class.  i can't tell you how much i love my students.  even though i am so exhausted, i go to school every morning excited to start the week and i come home with one liners from these ridiculously hilarious kids.  i lie in bed at night and wonder what they're doing, if they're cared for, and some times, i even cry for them.

here's a run down of my day, without divulging too much information for you:

kindergarten:  two of the cutest children you've ever seen.  one who doesn't talk much, but when she even says hi to you, your heart melts.  one who asks "are we going to color pictures of spiderman today?"  every day.  
fourth grade:  9 of the most vivacious and energetic kids you'll ever meet.  they leech onto me every time they see me in the hall way, even if it's only for a moment.  they make me feel like a movie star!
third grade:  math.  woof.  you know how i feel about teaching math.  this group gets my out of my comfort zone and forces me to think out of the box.  they are energetic as all get out and keep me on my toes...all the time.
sixth grade:  do you remember when you were in sixth grade?  well, think about the issues you  had then and multiply them by 25.  these girls are all so incredibly smart and have so much potential...there is just so much that tries to bring them down.  i'm learning the social work aspect teaching them
first grade:  i feel like i need to take a short coma after these boys leave us.  adorable, funniest one liners in the world, but man, are they ever ... how do i put this?  zestful? 
eighth grade:  the ones who know how to push my buttons.  but, such a caring group of boys who really want me to have a good day every day.  they can try to push my buttons, but i was in eighth grade once...i remember how it goes :)

i've had a lot of time to reflect on why i want to teach; the reasons why i am called to care about these kids and be so tired.  i don't know if anyone outside of special education knows this--but it's really a culture.  these kids care so much about each other and experience similar trials and mishaps within their learning.  but can i just say when they master something and "get" it, the elation and pride that comes out of me is irreplaceable?  teaching concepts that might seem simple to some people are so difficult for these kids.  when they finally understand and that light bulb goes off in their head...i feel like i'm flying.  the feeling that i get from those moments is worth all of the head banging, tired, broken days.

and believe me, there are those days.  i don't think i knew exactly what i was getting into when i signed up to do this.  i never anticipated the worry or tears that might come along with being a new teacher.  it's like have 25 children of my own.  worrying about their well being, what they're having to eat (if anything), how their home lives are...they say that as time goes on you grow calloused and nothing surprises you.  i hope that i never am not surprised by things like child abuse, neglect, inattentive parents, terrible foster homes, etc.  i hope that i am forever kept awake by these burning issues, and i hope that it makes me both a better person and teacher.

at this time in my life, people are constantly asking what i am going to next.  grad school?  moving?  a job?  at this time, i have absolutely no idea where i will be when september hits.  none.  the future is completely uncertain.  while this usually makes my stomach turn, tonight i find solace in the thought of my kids.  what they're going to have for supper is uncertain.  if they're going to get to school the following day might be up in the air.  where they might sleep.  and here i am, worried about what i'm going to do in 4 months.  i know i'm not going to be left high and dry and something is going to work out.  but what about for those kids?

whatever i end up doing, i know it will involve being an advocate for these kids that i love and care for so much.  the community that they build both together and with me is one that i will never be able to describe to you or replace.  my heart is filled to the brim when i talk with these kids about what their interests are, where they see themselves in five years, or even (surprise!)  when i am teaching them math.  i have never been more challenged, tired, and overwhelmed in my entire life, and while i know i don't display that accurately to those i love, i have never been happier.  i am more engaged in my life and my calling than i ever have been.  i am learning so much about myself and this community that i live in.

i have never been exposed to an "urban" school.  i suppose while we lived in albuquerque that was the closest exposure i've ever gotten.  i grew up predominately in small towns surrounded by people who had similar family lives and similar backgrounds.  this student teaching experience has been the most eye opening and astonishing experience ever.  

there.  i had to get it out.  if i vocalize this, i will just sob and weep and blubber because i am so proud of myself and so proud of how far i have come in the past 8 weeks.  i am so proud, not of my ability to teach, because i think i've known for a long time that i could do that.  i am so proud of the relationships and care i have brought to these kids and to their lives.  i don't know that on those tired and broken down days they know it, but i do my best to ensure my pride and overwhelming joy for them as much as i am able to.  even on those days where i feel like i'm going to pass out while teaching about phonics.

i've even more growing to do in the next 4 weeks!  i have never been more proud of the growth, learning, and loving that i am capable of.  i don't think i even realized that i was capable!  for so long i was looking for something, anything, to fill the void in my heart that felt empty.  it's filled!  and nobody did it for me.  i have worked, pushed, climbed, crawled, done everything to get to where i am on my own.  i haven't used anyone as a crutch on this journey.  it's me.  i am doing it.

i can't believe it!  from the girl who thought she wasn't ever going to graduate from college, be a teacher, do something positive. 

i'm doing it. 

fight the good fight,
+kaia