"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
i woke up this morning irritated. why, you ask? because it was 7:45, i had to be at work at 8:30, there was make up in my eye irritating it, and on top of that, state fair traffic. my goodness, was i pissed. there were lazers coming out of my eyes and steam coming out of my ears. not only that, before i could leave, two cars had to be moved to take the spot that i was vacating, so i had to wait for the other car to drive around the block to get to me.
you know what's funny? i had control of about half of the things that happened this morning. first off, my alarm went off 10 times. and i pressed the snooze. MY FAULT. makeup in my eye? MY FAULT. i could've just taken it off before i went to bed. and because i was late, i took my irritation out on my roommates. not their fault.
but, in the car, as i sped away, fuming at myself for being such a dumbass. . .i thought to myself "now, kaia, what is this going to do for you today?" and i actually said it out loud. what was being pissed off, irritated, and anxious going to do for my day? nothing good, that's for sure. so, instead of carrying on with this nonsense, i decided i would get into work and have a good day.
i'm in control of my thoughts. because my thoughts are slaves to my emotions, i need to change my thinking. if i can think things -- (whether outloud or in private) -- positively, i can change my emotions. my feelings of angst and anger this morning quickly faded when i heard coldplay on the radio and noticed the sunshine that was inhabiting this beautiful city. it's pretty beautiful if you think about it. we have water, grass, rolling hills, and a drive out of the city to the nearby country is only about 20 minutes away. i have the best of both worlds.
so, if i can get on top of my thoughts, i feel like my attitude would be a hell of a lot different. and today, being that i'm dressed like a hippy princess (or a teacher, depending on your opinion. . .) i'm feeling pretty peaceful. i'm feeling like i'm the one in control of my life and because i'm in the driver's seat, it's my turn to drive and figure myself out. finally.
i went to the college bookstore today and spend $60 on new books. i know, i know. please don't get mad and tell me that i need to plan my money better. this was $60 that i had set aside for this specific purpose. additionally, i am a binge buyer when it comes to novels. it's a bad and good habit. bad because, yes, i'm a college student who is going to be in debt for quite some time. . .but good because these novels are such an escape and eye opener for me that it is impossible for me not to buy them.
i can see so much of myself in every character in every book that i read. or, if i can't i realize that maybe i should (or definitely shouldn't) change my ideas a little bit to mold my life the way that the said character does.
so my book list includes : little bee, life with the lutherans, and some other novels that i can't wait to read. i picture myself jumping into my princess bed and not emerging until i have sucked every single big idea that i can out of these books. i prefer buying books over library books because my own books have a this really unique smell. they smell a bit like me, i imagine, the oil on my fingers, the excitement that i have as i turn each page, but they also smell like the memories i have with the old books. the different revelations i realize as i read through each of them again and again.
library books, have a different scent. countless people have fingered the pages, dogeared them and gotten what they will out of them, but i enjoy my books to be mine. that way the book becomes a part of me. i can highlight, write in the margin, and reread sentences, take in beautiful words, and expand my horizons as slowly or quickly as i want to.
i've always had a problem with due dates, as well. once, when i was a little girl, i had 17 books checked out from the library at once. the library called my parents one day. . .and needless to say they were less than pleased. we argued, and my 6 year old self begrudgingly found the 17 books and we returned them to loretta the librarian. i didn't step foot in the library for a long time after that, too ashamed of my need to keep books for longer than allotted.
on my 7th birthday, the phone rang. i was asleep, but woke up with a start when i heard the clang of the old time telephone downstairs. my mom came up and said that i had a phone call. my first response was, "is it the library?"
it was my god mother, calling to wish her kaia papaya a happy birthday.
needless to say, since then, i prefer to buy my books.
call me crazy, and i think a lot of people who read this blog probably think that i am virtually insane. whether i'm talking about my relationships with books or a bouquet of flowers, i'll hand it to you. i am a little bit on crazy train.
but that's what makes me, me. and at the end of the day, i've figured out that i kinda like who i'm becoming. i'll never be exactly where i want to be, and the day i have it all figured out is the day that they'll be putting me in the ground. . .but you know what? with heaven to look forward to, what have i got to lose?
i guess i'll just keep on being that binge buying book lady . . .
fight the good fight,
+kaia
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