two hours at target.

when i get stressed out, i go to target.

what a bad habit! i go and walk around aimlessly, thinking of all the wonderful things i could buy myself, while still realizing that i have no money to be spending on 48 candles, or plants, or little knick knacks for my room. nor do i have the money for new clothes, an air freshener, or a bottle of nail polish.

but you know what i did buy at target yesterday? i bought myself a bouquet of flowers. i've just never understood why women have to wait around for a significant other to buy them flowers. it doesn't make any sense. do women who are alone deserve to have no beauty of fragrance in their life? pppssshhh, nope.

granted, i bought the cheapest flowers on the rack, they probably will die in 2 days and are more likely weeds than they are flowers. but in my mind, even dandelions have their beauty until they wilt.

after i went to target, i went home, sat on my floor, and budgeted for myself. i have a couple of significant bills to pay off before summer's end and, surprise! i figured out how i am going to do it. all by myself. if i plan it right, i will even be able to buy myself that plant i've been eyeing or a new bottle of hot pink nail polish!

budgeting makes me feel like such a little grown up. figuring out what i can afford, what i can do, and when i can do it is kind of empowering. you can't argue with the numbers on paper. my parents always say "you must live within your means!" the stress that i sometimes feel because i have no money or am running low is unnecessary. i shouldn't have to be so stressed that i can't sleep over something that i can control.

that's a common theme within my life. everything that i get stressed out about or have such terrible anxiety over i have control. most of the time i don't understand my anxiety, but lately, i have figured out that if i can get to the root of it, and find the source of what is going on, i can overcome it. there are, of course, those things in my life that i have absolutely no control over, but when those come along, i can counter them with prayer, meditation, or other modes of management.

whoa, do i sound like my mother or what?

i'm more independent and do better by myself than i give myself credit for. of course, there are those days when i feel super shitty about being alone or i get in mental fights with myself about the way that i budget or the things i choose to do. but, you know what? i'm learning. every day, i get up, whether i have the mathsen scowl on my face or am smiling, i have the courage to just get out of bed. i don't think that simple act is recognized enough.

"Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”

fight the good fight,
+kaia