home.

so i was home this weekend, again, and i thought to myself, "gee, i'm tired of this." 

it was great to see and catch up with some fine folks that i haven't seen in awhile, but the small town atmosphere got to be a little much for me. 

now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing i like more than a small town.  believe me.  i am a small town girl.  the thing that i don't like is that everyone is in your business and has an opinion about what you wear, who your family is, what you've done. . .pretty much everything you do.  i sat in a bar and watched three women talk about me.  you know how when someone talks about you, they're looking at you, but pretending that they're not?  that's exactly what they were doing.

it was kind of funny at first, because if you want to be two faced and pretend like you're a nice person to my face, that's great.  and that's exactly what happened.  i ran into one of them in the bathroom and she was telling me how great my hair looked, how nice it must be to be so young, etc. . .i was just thinking "yeah, right.  i don't believe a word you're saying."

but then, i got to thinking.  i'm sure there are plenty of people that i've said bad things about, whether in front of them or behind their back.  and i'm sure they've felt badly about the way that i've treated them.  that's not fair.  granted, when these women were gossiping, i didn't feel crappy at all. . .they are about twenty years older than me and were probably chatting about a shitty choice i made a long time ago.  that person isn't who i am anymore, so why should i care what they think now?  
 

back to the point, i need to start making a conscious effort to watch my words and actions around people.  my aim is never to make someone feel bad about themselves or a decision that they made.  and i know i'm guilty of it.  so here i am, confessing my transgression--i screw up a lot.  i would just never want to be judged for something that i did so long ago or a mistake that i made.  and i'm going to start doing my best to stop judging or gossiping about people who do the same.  


i feel like if i stop this nonsense i'll feel a lot better about who i am.  i was mentioning to a family friend that i was on this quest to figure out who i was and that i was learning so much about who i am along the way.  her reply was, "honey, i've figured out who i am.  and i can't do anything about it!"  


there are parts of ourselves that we can't change.  i know that.  i know that i will be a light haired, curly, silly kid for the rest of my life.  and call me a narcissist if you'd like, but i will never stop learning.  i don't think i'm the center of the universe at all.  no, no, no.  but, i never want to stop this journey of figuring out who i am.  there are bits and pieces of myself that can most definitely use some work--and i'm going to continue to strive to change them and be better.  but there are also unknown things--different experiences and issues that haven't been brought to the surface yet that i'm excited to figure out.

i never want to become complacent in my life or what i'm doing.  i always want to be alive and learning lessons.  that's so important to me.  outwardly, i know i might not change much.  i'm always going to have wild hair, i'm always going to have light hair.  my ass might shrink and grow, but who cares?  my eyes will always be buggy and green, and my feet will be hobbit feet forever.  it's time to come to terms with things of that nature.  but there are things that i have want to change and will work on.


as far as gossiping and all that craziness goes, here i go.  i'm working on it.


i'll always be a work in progress.


fight the good fight,
+kaia