throwing caution out the...window?

so, there's this girl i know.  i've known her since freshman year and watched her grow into an even more wonderful person than she was when i met her and that's hard to believe.  this girl walks into a room and literally makes the room light up.  i never believed that someone could do that. . .but she does it every single time i see her.

she finds so much joy in the small things in life--a glass of wine, a cup of tea, rain, snow, etc.  whatever it is, she loves it.  and when i say love, i don't mean she's smiling and happy.  this girl is laughing, screaming with joy, and so happy to be just where she is. 

she inspires me.  she seems to effortlessly throw caution out the window and just be.  she is where she is and she's happy about it. 

i've been struggling with caution lately.  it has been getting me into trouble.  i am so much more guarded than i thought that i was.  i hear people say all the time that we must jump into things with our whole hearts and whatever the outcome--be okay.  i don't know what happened along the way to make me unable to do this.  this is in every aspect of my life--and, like a disease, it travels to every part of my being.  and does so quickly. 

i can't figure this out.  i'm always saying that i'm into living in the moment and taking life for what it is--but in reality, i do not practice it.  waking up in the morning is a gift.  getting into the car and hearing your favorite song on the radio is a gift.  having a conversation with someone who makes you feel like a million bucks is a gift.  everything that we do each and every day is a gift.  even the things that seem so shitty. 

i have this picture of my friend that is so clearly embedded in my brain and i strive to be a person who truly dances through life the way that she does.  enjoys every waking moment--fills her life with music, surrounding herself with people who she enjoys.  throwing caution to the wind and just being. 

i don't know where i lost this child like attitude--one that is so infectious and one that i wish would inhabit my body on a daily basis.  i hold myself back.  i have never been so pissed at myself as i was tonight. . .maybe for a foolish reason, maybe not.  maybe this was my wake up call?  i don't know.  whatever it was, i know that i've got to make some changes.

i've been working so hard this year on so many changes; some are completely tangible and some at times, i feel, are out of my reach.  however, making a simple change view every day as a gift--now that is something i would like to put into practice.

it reminds me of the feeling i had when we were in china.  i woke up every morning with this sense of excitement.  just the thought of getting out of bed was exciting.  seeing the familiar faces was refreshing.  now, i know that being in china is an adventure--but waking up and experiencing life is an adventure all of it's own. 

cheesy?  yes.  true?  absolutely.  this friend of mine--her infectious spirit that inspires me to be better--i hope i remember it when i wake up in the morning and am pissed at myself for being so silly.  i hope that i play my stereo too loud, that i dance around like a freak in my underwear, that i smile so much my face hurts.  i hope i let music give me goosebumps, i hope that i pee my pants i laugh so hard, i hope that sarah and i come up with 32 more one liners--i hope.

the key word--hope. 

sure, we shouldn't throw caution or common sense completely out of the window.  but, there might be times that you'll miss out on something that could be really great if you aren't able to let your guard down enough to let it in. 

so now, i let izzy out to pee, climb into bed, and pray for a better attitude, a better tomorrow, and a little bit of slack from god so i can throw caution out of the window once and awhile. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia