a quiet weekend.

after a hectic week at work, i decided i was in the mood for a more quiet weekend.  you know, not the typical college weekend.

last night, i came home, had a drink, and went to bed.

today, i decided to make a day trip to my parent's house, stopping by a parishioner of my dad's house on the way home.  

i sat with this woman for 3 hours.  we talked about boys, we talked about marriage, we talked about absolutely everything.  she's 85.  she gave me the most sound and solid advice that i think i've ever gotten.  when confronted with my qualms about men and getting married, she said, "well, what do you think the rush is?  i was 24 when i got married and that was late back then!  i was married for the happiest 64 years of my life.  and i waited until i was secure."  

i was dumbfounded.  all this time, here i've been thinking i'm behind.  all of my friends are attached, all are into something with someone, except me.  and you know what?  fine.  currently, i am not at a place that i believe to be stable enough to be in any kind of committed relationship with a man other than my dog, max.  i'm up, down, here, there, i'm all over and on the days that i think i'm back on the straight and narrow--i wake up to another crisis that leads me off that path and back up this emotional rollercoaster.

i knew this year would be like this, didn't i?  here we are. . .week three.  and i'm on this emotional path.  i hear phrases or watch first years marvel at the different things they get to do in college and i think "shit, i miss that!"  but then something happens within the school and i say "shit, i can't wait to get out of here!"  

this year is going to be up and down.  and though i am on a hiatus from men for awhile, that's fine.  that allows me to really marvel in this year and allows it to be okay for me to have these ups and downs.  it allows me to leave on 15 minute's notice to have coffee and cake with an 85 year old and it also allows me to pour my heart to her instead of on some meaningless date that won't be going anywhere. 

i know it seems like i complain about being single all the time--and i'm sure people think i'm crazy because i'm only 21.  but when your peers are so immersed in their relationships, really, it's sickening.  also, when you think you've hit the jackpot with this guy for the millionth time, it gets to be pretty discouraging when that guy turns out to be a couple ass or it just doesn't work out.  trust me, it's disheartening for me to look back and realize that yes, i've been some kind of relationship with someone since i was about 15 years old.  

so i got to thinking.  maybe this hiatus from the dating world is a good idea.  because i'm making a conscious effort and saying that i'm offline for awhile, maybe i'll really be able to heal from all of the discouragement and heavy hearts that i've carried around for the past couple of years.  i've found that saying "i'm done with dudes for awhile.  i'm taking a break" is pretty freeing.  i'm freeing myself up for something better in the future.  giving myself a break and allowing myself to be free is like coming up after swimming under water with no oxygen for 50 minutes.  and i know i've said the "i'm fine.  i feel good about being single" before.  i'm not going to bullshit you.  at this point, i hate it.  it sucks. 

but in order for me to be healthy both mentally and physically, this has got to happen.  the bullshit and assholes in my life has got to stop.  a girlfriend, after hearing my most recent male saga said to me "gee, kaia, you really know how to pick them.  i mean, woops, sorry.  i shouldn't have said that", to which i replied "no, you're absolutely right."  it's time that i allow myself a break so that when i know i'm ready, someone that actually meets or god forbid, exceeds my standards comes along.  he probably will not sweep me off my feet.  i will probably be so cautious and rude to him at first that he might be scared away.  

but enough of the bullshit.

i'm taking a hiatus from dating.  from men, their bullshit, and my heartache. 

there.  i said it. 

damn, do i feel free. . .

fight the good fight, 
+kaia