the "un"plan

truthfully, i don't even know where to begin. i have been staring at this computer screen for about 2 hours, trying to figure out how to preface this blog.

why, you ask, did you start one, then? because writing in notebooks and on scattered looseleaf notebook paper just isn't cutting it anymore. i lose it, or get lazy and don't want to have to hand write it. This way, i can look back on that particular moment in time--in type. and you can all help me decipher my reflections, feelings, and ideas along the way.

i'm entering into my last year at augsburg college in minneapolis. my last year in the big city. what am I going to do with this year? as of right now. . .i have absolutely nothing planned. get a couple of good grades, pass the minnesota teacher's exam, and then? and then? it seems like everybody else has a plan. go to grad school, get married, pay off loans. (unfortunately, i don't think i will be able to not do the loan paying).

for the first time in my life, i have absolutely no plans. which for me, is a really big deal. i'm a planner. i plan my outfits, i plan my toilet paper type, i plan . . . the list goes on and on. part of me believes that my parents instilled this planning in me. friday nights in the mathsen household would roll around and i was never allowed to do anything unless there had a been a plan set. they were under the impression that impromptu plans led to trouble. (and how right they were . . .) so all of my life, i have had a plan. a plan of where to go to college, what to major in, who to meet, who to marry, where to live, etc.

isn't it funny how everything in my life today is nothing like i planned it? every single plan i have made for myself thus far hasn't happened. sure, I am going to college. i planned that. sort of. i chose augsburg as a last minute choice, and almost transferred after my first semester. weird. i wanted to go the U of M or as a younger child thought that i would be at UNM. i thought that i would be somewhere else, with other people, preparing for a life that was going to be squeaky clean.

hilarious, kaia. for those of you that know me, you know that i've got a few wild hairs. it runs in the Mathsen family, i feel. i can cause more ruckus and make people crazy. it's just a part of my DNA. because of that wild hair. . .more and more unplanned bumps have happened along the way. i was talking to a friend the other day, questioning when this ruckus was going to stop and i was going to get my life back. he replied, "they're just bumps in the road. it's gotta stop sometime." really? when? give me an approximate date and time. please.

but then i got to thinking, what fun would life be without these bumps? sure, they're painful. some of them feel like someone is ripping your heart out with a dull knife. ouch! but looking back, how many of those bumps have made me into the person that (most days) i'm proud of? all of them. additionally, the bumps that i'm encountering now are nothing compared to where i've been. sure, i've had better weeks, better months, better times. but it can't rain forever, right?

and what about those exhilerating bumps? those bumps that make your heart race and your hands clammy? the exiting bumps? there are those bumps that change you and mold you and they're good. it reminds me a feeling i would get in my stomach when my dad would drive to my grandparent's farm in spring grove, minnesota. the windy and hill filled gravel roads were a treat to my childish spirit. i would giggle and coo with joy. although difficult to think of bumps as positive ones, there are those positive bumps that change and mold you just as much, if not more than the negative ones.

all of my void plans, all of the bumps in the road are actually apart of the "un"plan. the "un"plan that i've had faith in for years. does it always work out the way i want it too? absolutely not. will it ever work out the way i want it to? oh, God, i hope so. but that's what keeps me faithful. that's what keeps me trusting. the uncertainness of it all allows me to retain the faith that has kept me going, picked me up, and allowed me to actually live out the "un"plan. the "un"plan gives me the strength i need to keep on going.

so where will i be in a year or two? no idea. who will be by my side? well, i know of at least one person for certain :)

as my dad always says:

fight the good fight,

+kaia