I am back where I started.
Alone again.
Having thought I was with someone who was going to be very longterm, and having it end is both earth shattering and entirely depressing when you realize that everything you thought you wanted isn't exactly what you want anymore. The breakup that you so loathed and didn't want to happen so quickly looms on the horizon and it's time to pick up your pieces again. It's time to start over.
Needless to say, last Tuesday evening, I was left with a lot of questions. "What am I going to do now?" "Where does my heart go?" "Who will I take care of?" "Who will take care of me?" "Where do I go from here?"
Last Wednesday morning, the sun still rose. I still had a job, a dog, roommates, and responsibilities to take care of. I stayed in bed for three days (with strep throat and broken heart) and only got out of bed to let the dog out and pee myself. My sweet roommates brought me dinner, because I "had to" eat. I cried more tears than I think I ever have, and my heart is, for the first time broken.
I have thrown the word broken around before. I have cried, screamed, thrown things, gotten extremely angry, been devastatingly sad, depressed, lonely. . .you name it. Through every breakup, I have done it. However, in my reflection (believe me, I was in bed for 3 days, I had the time to reflect), I recognize that in this breakup, my heart is broken because I broke it. I became someone completely other than who I thought I was in this relationship and that scared the shit out of me. I look in the mirror now and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. So, when this relationship ended, the girl I thought I was died with the relationship. Identity crisis? I think so.
I have been known for saying "I know exactly who I am"--thinking that I mean it and know myself, my heart, and my emotions better than anybody. Now, however, I recognize and acknowledge the fact that I have no idea who the hell I am. I look around my new bedroom, and I think, "I never would have walked into this room and recognized as my own 3 weeks ago." The art, the color scheme, my new bedding--everything about this room is something that I would never have picked out before.
I have am left alone now with so many questions. I don't answer to anybody but my God and myself at the end of the day, and I have had to lean on my faith in God more than anything lately. This morning, before I got out of bed, God and I had a little chat. Since I have cried at least 5 times each day, whether it be in the car, the shower, or when letting Izzy out to pee, I asked God to please help me get out of bed. To give me the strength to start over. I needed a new start, and in reality, this breakup allowed me to get the start that I really needed. Am I happy this wonderful man isn't in my life anymore? By no means! However, I needed a wakeup call. My heart needed to start living into the questions.
These questions that I have--in a couple months, may be answered. Maybe they won't be. I am, however, quite surprised that I still know how to get up, walk, teach, talk, and feed my soul alone. I lost a big part of myself in thinking that a relationship was the way to happiness. I am somewhat embarrassed to look back at my writing and recognize a girl who thought that the right guy could answer her prayers and push that man so hard to be what she wanted that she actually pushed him out of her life. I am willing to take responsibility in this breakup, for the first time in my life. Usually, it's all about what the guy did. And at the beginning of this one--that's exactly what I did. But, I think the hardest realization I have come across in this breakup is that I need to forgive myself.
I didn't act the way a loving woman would. I pushed, I was so damn negative, I screamed, I cried. Truth is, my heart wasn't in the right place on this one. I was dishonest with both myself and the relationship. It was exhausting! I have never been so exhausted in my life--I have never been so sad, so upset. And to think, most of this oppression was brought on by my thoughts!
I had dinner with my two mama's this week. I explained the breakup, my processes, and the reflection I had about it with them. One of them said something that really struck me. She said, "Kaia, you have got to forgive yourself. You have been in a really ugly place for about a year now. It's time for your to look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself the pain you caused yourself and others, forgive yourself for the way you screamed and cried and fought. Just forgive yourself and then you'll be ready to start over." Now, I tried to look at myself in the mirror and do this. I sat on the floor in my room in front of the mirror, ready to give myself the public apology I thought was deserving. But, all I could do was cry. Cry about the little girl I remember I used to be, the family I have at home who has no idea the struggle that I am having, the friends that used to be so much closer, the new life and journey I am now starting on alone. My heart ached, my body ached. Everything hurt.
So now, I write. I write my apology to you, dear Kaia.
Kaia,
This life and relationship you put yourself in and pushed so hard for hurt you. It hurt you because you wanted it so badly. It hurt you because you saw it all around you and strove to be the just like everybody else. You've always walked to the beat of your own drum--why did you think that a relationship would be any different?
You heart has been at an unrest place for almost a year. It's time for you to let yourself go. Let it go. Breathe. Sleep. Eat again.
The choices you have made while your heart has been at this unrest seem unforgivable. They were ugly and not who you wanted to be. This is a wakeup call--a warning. A way for you to be given new breath and a new zest for life. No more fighting. No more dramatics. Just your life. There doesn't have to be a saga everyday. You deserve now, to just live.
That is why your heart forgives you. You are forgiven both by your heart and by your God for the mistreatings, the mean words, the deceits, and the terrible treatment of yourself. I forgive you. You are forgiven. Take a deep breath. Move on. Pick yourself up off the floor, know it's okay to hurt for a little while, and move on. Love yourself again. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments again. Remember the boy who came to school today and told you YOU were the reason he showed up every day? Get out of bed for that.
Get out of bed for the parents who made you and who love you so. Know that they forgive you. Those early morning texts praying for peace--shows you that you are forgiven. You are made new every morning! Get out of bed for your sister--the strongest woman you know who is changing the world that you live in. Be like her. Get out of bed for your best friend who even though is 1200 miles away, would do anything to make you laugh. Who would drink a box of crappy wine over the phone if it would make you happy. Get out of bed for the strong women who have picked up your pieces and called to check on you EVERYDAY to make sure you're eating, sleeping, breathing. Get out of bed for the care and concern you hear in their voices as you sob on the telephone and their ever listening ears as you discern your way through this new life and the new heart you have found beating in your chest. Get out of bed for that heart, Kaia.
YOU ARE FORGIVEN. Live the the questions.
2nd Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"
+Kaia
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