i'm waiting for the punchline.

i'm sitting in my living room in an empty house that is usually filled with football, beer, and endless obscenities being shouted at the packer game on TV.

it's safe to say that fall is over.  39 degrees and a cold chill in the air.  we've had a beautiful and bright fall here, and i've done my best to enjoy every second of it and breathe it all in.  there have been days of unimaginable success and days of terrible failure on this adventure.

i've landed the job of my dreams.  i left my elementary school job quickly to take on high school students who, throughout my entire undergraduate career, pushed me to succeed and be better.  i bought a wine rack, feeling quite official, and filled it with various red wines tonight.  i made supper on my own for precious family, and returned home to be with my malbec and crappy novel.

i'm waiting for the punchline.

when do i get to throw up my hat in minneapolis and have everything fall into place like mary tyler moore?  when do i get to enjoy those bottles of wine with those who i hold so dear?  when do i get to read a mediocre novel with someone?  i've worked hard to get to where i am.  where's the punchline?

i have rich experiences every day.  i am touched by the drive of dedicated staff members and driven students.  where's the punchline?  when does the musical montage of my lonely life end? 

after dinner with my mom's parents tonight, my grandpa said something like this to me:  "i'm going to say the thing that grandparent's are supposed to say.  and i'm going to say it until you're tired of hearing it."  i waited, anxious to hear the mundane, "do your best.  stay faithful to your God and get to church."  instead, with a sheepish grin on his face, he murmured, "it goes fast."  after this heartfelt comment, i recognized what he was saying and tears came to my already tear tainted eyes.

time.

what a concept that we take for granted.  this concept so quickly slips through our fingers.  we wait.  we wait for the punchline.  we wait for those moments that "define" our lives, never realizing that those moments are in the mundane tasks that we so loathe.  we go through our lives never realizing that our greatest friend and worst enemy is time. 

as of late, i've had a lot of time to reflect on the concept of time.  both of my grandpa's are suffering--in differing circumstances--but at the end of the day are so grateful for the lives that they've lived.  they repeat the ever so cliche verse "i've done everything in my life that i've wanted to, i don't regret a thing."  they, surrounded by their families, are their proudest.  with their sheepish grins and laughter, rejoice in their lives and in the concept of time.  looking back fondly on their memories, so rich in love, faith, laughter, even pain, that they are content with time.

i, on the other hand, am fighting time.  time and i are in a war.  i want to fast forward through this.  i want to get to that place in my life where i'm settled in a job, ready to work at it every day, not feeling like i'm going to shit my pants every morning when i walk in to the building.  ready to come home to a home cooked meal, a puppy who isn't going to piss on the floor when i walk in the door, ready to smell the smell of home.  my home.

however.  i walk in the door to a peeing animal, obscenities being shouted at the packer game, and peanut butter and jelly and diet coke, maybe macaroni and cheese and milk if i'm lucky.

but, in the words of wise grandfather, who has watched me grow, watched me fail and succeed, watched me laugh, cry, changed my diapers, even supported me through my worst, "it goes fast."

so, time.  i make peace with you.  instead of waging war with you, i decide that time isn't going to be my enemy anymore.  these precious moments with my roommates, even while we share a dinner that is fit for a college freshman, are sharing moments that we will never get back.  my undeniably excited animal can go ahead and pee on the wood floor.  there's nothing that a little snap cleaning product can't fix.  my crappy novel is going to give me at least one quote that i will carry with me throughout this journey of time.

every day is a gift.

all we have is time.



...there's my punchline.