Then Jesus said to the disciples, "Have faith in God. I assure you that you can so to this mountain, 'May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,' and your command will be obeyed. All that's required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. Mark 11:22-25
I can't remember the last time I thanked God.
My beautiful friend, Kale, was in town for an evening this past weekend and his convictions and words shook me to my core. Kale is one of my favorite people on this planet. We worked together for one hot summer in La Grange, Texas. Though my time at Lutherhill was short, the impressions that were made on my heart that summer continue to surprise me.
Greeting Kale with a hug and smile was just the beginning. Kale challenged me to dive into my issues, to identify my fear and unfaithfulness, and to deal with those issues through the God that I know but have become so distant from in the past couple of years.
At a time in my life when I am lacking a plan, control, or any sort of way to make it through my life alone, to have God put Kale back in my life was such a blessing. I can't even describe the joy in my heart that I felt watching Kale's joyful attitude, careful concern, and passion for me and my walk with God. To have a friend in your life that really loves you, despite your pitfalls, your lack of plan, and your crazy conductor ugly girl crying is something that I feel I have taken for granted. I was in awe of the love in my heart I had for my friend. Beyond that, I was in awe of the love of my God that he evoked in me in less than 24 hours.
The reason my life has been spiraling out of control is because I haven't been trusting the one with a plan. I don't care if you believe in a higher power or not, but if you try to control your life and each aspect in it, you will become the conductor of what I like to call the crazy train. You will cry, scream, stomp and kick your feet and be hopelessly unhappy. Stress and agony come along with the need for control and the more control I try to take, the less happy and fulfilled I feel.
At the end of Kale's visit, we sat in my dining room and sang "Psalm 121" together as he softly strummed the familiar tune on the guitar. I have been an avid camper goer since I was 10 years old and I can't tell you how many times I have sung that particular song. The lyrics are the same as the Psalm:
I lift my eyes up
Up to the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you
Maker of heaven
Creator of the Earth
Oh, how I need you Lord!
You are my only hope
You are my only prayer
So I will wait for you
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life
Like I said, I have probably sang that song over 1,000 times with each summer at camp both as a camper and on staff, however, this Saturday morning, I sang this familiar tune and felt these lyrics in my heart. I needed to be rescued.
Right before Kale got into the car to head home, he asked if he could pray with me. As I said previously, I cannot remember the last time I thanked God for anything. Each prayer that I send up is titled "Help me, help me, help me!" Kale began our prayer thanking God for our time together, for the journey ahead and asked me to finish the prayer. I took a deep breath and started to weep. It was a scorching Minnesota day, and my hot tears stained my face as I uttered, "God, I don't remember the last time I said thank you. But thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you." I don't remember much of what I said in my prayer, but my heart was so filled with joy as I prayed out loud for the first time in probably 2 years.
At first, my head said, "Stop Kaia. You're faking it. You are rusty at this and haven't done it in years." But, my heart took over as I more boldly prayed for things I didn't even know my heart needed.
Now, I've had this high before. Believe me. When you go to Bible camp, whether you're on staff or a camper, this high stays with you for about a week or two afterwards. You have a mountaintop experience, convince yourself that you are ready to make a change in your life, and that joy and perma-smile stay in your life for about two weeks after the mountain top ends and the fire in your heart is reignited. I've been here before. I've told myself, "Nope, this time it WILL stick" only to find out that when the mundane, cruddy parts of life come to the surface again, my crabby-negative attitude resurfaces and I'm back to the definitely not joyful Kaia.
Kale left on Saturday. Today, I got a flat tire on the way to my parent's house. It was about a million degrees outside (okay, maybe an over-exaggeration), and I had to have the car off so that the battery didn't die (it did anyway!). Typically, I would get insanely crabby about this type of situation. I would swear up and down, using language that would most definitely make my Grandma Marge send numerous emails about how I need to look those words up in the dictionary before I use them.
But, instead, I laughed. Can you imagine? Kaia Mathsen laughing over a flat tire? I laughed so hard I surprised even myself. I'm sure the sweet tow-truck man was thinking that I was on my way to the hospital to check myself in because that's how hard I was laughing. Not sweating the small stuff, not over-analyzing things, not worrying---these are all things I don't do. Typically, I sweat the small stuff. Typically, I over-analyze absolutely everything. Typically, I lie awake at night and worry my sleep away. Friday, Saturday, Sunday night, I slept like a baby. Didn't wake up until morning. I've had numerous opportunities to over-analyze since then, but I quiet my mind by saying, "Thanks for that thought, Kaia. I'm going to move on with my real life now instead of the what-if's and I wonder's." That flat tire? Didn't even get close to ruining my day.
I know there are going to be rough days. I know that my road ahead is so uncertain that even so much as where I am going to be sleeping is up in the air. However, after Kale's visit, I find that trusting God and His plans are much easier that stressing out over what I can't control. As Kale said "God always provides." Who am I to think that I deserve to be the one controlling the game? When I try to do that, I end up much more miserable than even.
My prayers for help were answered. My prayers for a peaceful heart were answered. My prayers for God to guide my steps are being answered as I prayerfully discern my next move. Whether I'm in Minnesota, New Mexico, North Carolina, or Brazil for that matter in the fall, God will be with me. If I trust him, my path will be straight. As Jeremiah 29:11 says: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
My God has been here all along. All I had to do was call out for Him. He's been here all along. Watch this video when you've got a chance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpChZxPfa-c
God created all of those things--and yet He is still here to lend me a hand and carry me when I'm weak and cannot walk. Though among those galaxies, I am insignificant, I am significant to God.
In the book, "Crazy Love", by Francis Chan -- he puts it so profoundly and perfectly by saying: "Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, [that behavior] communicates that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small indeed. Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are?"
I am a loved and baptized child of God, and tonight, that's where I choose to find my joy. I will let God worry about where I will be in the fall and with whom, and go on living my life in the hope of the resurrection.
Kale, if you ever read this, I hope you know how important your visit was to me and my little heart. You are blessed to be a blessing and disciple. Your spirit amazes me. THANK YOU! I will continue to thank God for you and pray for your witness to others.
Keep fightin' that good fight.
there's a light in the depth of your darkness
there's a calm at the eye of every storm
there's a light in the depths of your darkness
LET IT SHINE!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
the cycle of our lifetimes is enormously intriguing to me. i find it both incredibly sad but immensely beautiful.
my grandfather is dying.
i can't believe i actually wrote that. saying it out loud and writing it makes it even more real. more tangible, more like a cold slap in the face.
death.
how does one deal with the loss or debilitation of a loved one? i, for one, have never been good at dealing with death. especially a death of someone who is so near and dear to me and whose heart is intertwined with mine. i've been lucky enough to spend a majority of my life at both of my grandparent's homes, hearing their stories about their lives, and learning about life and love and happiness from their viewpoints. i know many people don't have that luxury and the people they love are taken from them far sooner than those in my life.
but how do i look at this from a positive viewpoint? i watch those around me weep over the agony of death. i feel that same agony in the pit of my stomach every morning before my feet hit the floor. the veil of death is ugly--and painful. my vantage point on life gets bleak when i think about the end of someone's life.
yesterday, as i was going to open my favorite book (you guessed it!) "eat, pray, love" a card dropped to the floor from valentine's day years ago. i had long-since forgotten about it, stashing it away to be found on a day just like yesterday. this grief that overtook my heart turned to joy as i opened the card to find the angular and musical writing of my grandpa mathsen. his message was clear..."we are so proud of you and the person you have become. you are blessed to be a blessing to every one you meet. go for it girl!"
i closed my eyes and held that flimsy card next to my heart. i have sort of a lake wobegon mentality when it comes to family. spring grove, though i've never actually been a resident, is where i consider my hometown. i identify with the thick norwegian blood that runs through my veins, the stubborn attitude i inherited from my mother's mother and father's father. the compassion and empathy i feel for children from my father's mother and mother's father. these people--the foundation of the family that i have come to so love and cherish, are failing. their health is deteriorating, they are losing their memories, and the vibrance of life that they once had.
that card, however, signified to me that i will always have the sturdy foundation of these folk to carry me and lift up my heart when i'm feeling like death is winning. holding it close to my heart and closing my eyes, i remembered watching my grandpa at his strongest bailing hay and smelling like cow shit and motor oil after coming in for supper and pouring a half of glass of sugar with some iced tea in it. i thought about my grandma's hands as she kneaded dough to make endless pans of cinnamon rolls for her grand babies who adored them so much. i thought about the stoic stare of my grandma marge as she took charge and changed the nursing field that she so loved. i remembered my grandpa bob's warm embrace after hearing about a struggle or a kind card he sent to remind me of his ceaseless prayers.
all of these memories and people are a part of me. these four people, the foundations of my family, are carried in my heart. while my heart breaks and i selfishly wish they could remain on this earth, i send endless prayers of thanks up for providing me with a strong foundation as a woman who wants to start her own life.
i thought for a long time that i was a weak woman. i had a mentality that i couldn't do it alone. what i am learning now, is that because of the experiences i've come across and the foundation of family, faith, and friendship that i have--i am strong. while my heart breaks and those silent tears fall when i think about death and how real it is becoming to me, i look at my hands and think about how i'm connected to the kneading and nursing of my grandmothers, the music directing and praying of my grandfathers, and the love of my parents.
when my grandfather was still lucid enough to remember who i was, he said to me "i've done everything in my life that i've wanted to. i married the love of my life and raised 5 great children. i got to direct music for almost 60 years and buy a farm that i loved working and living on." this is such a comfort to me!
the old farmhouse that they lived in for isn't anything spectacular. it's old, it creaks, and the stairs are steep. the basement smells of mildew, and there's only one bathroom. (a 7 person family and 1 bathroom...) the images of all of my grandparents all live in that house. that, my friends, as corny as it sounds, is my house of dreams. that is where all of my dreams lie. the foundation of that very house--signifies the foundation of my life. cozying up by the fire, taking it all in, and having a thankful heart.
death will not win. the memories and steadfast faith--along with the comfort of an afterlife where we're all together again, is what i will hold on to. i will forever remember my grandpa, who is dying, as he was. a diligent choir director, a hardworking farmer, a provider, a loving father, and the best example of a teacher that i will ever have.
i am blessed.
my grandfather is dying.
i can't believe i actually wrote that. saying it out loud and writing it makes it even more real. more tangible, more like a cold slap in the face.
death.
how does one deal with the loss or debilitation of a loved one? i, for one, have never been good at dealing with death. especially a death of someone who is so near and dear to me and whose heart is intertwined with mine. i've been lucky enough to spend a majority of my life at both of my grandparent's homes, hearing their stories about their lives, and learning about life and love and happiness from their viewpoints. i know many people don't have that luxury and the people they love are taken from them far sooner than those in my life.
but how do i look at this from a positive viewpoint? i watch those around me weep over the agony of death. i feel that same agony in the pit of my stomach every morning before my feet hit the floor. the veil of death is ugly--and painful. my vantage point on life gets bleak when i think about the end of someone's life.
yesterday, as i was going to open my favorite book (you guessed it!) "eat, pray, love" a card dropped to the floor from valentine's day years ago. i had long-since forgotten about it, stashing it away to be found on a day just like yesterday. this grief that overtook my heart turned to joy as i opened the card to find the angular and musical writing of my grandpa mathsen. his message was clear..."we are so proud of you and the person you have become. you are blessed to be a blessing to every one you meet. go for it girl!"
i closed my eyes and held that flimsy card next to my heart. i have sort of a lake wobegon mentality when it comes to family. spring grove, though i've never actually been a resident, is where i consider my hometown. i identify with the thick norwegian blood that runs through my veins, the stubborn attitude i inherited from my mother's mother and father's father. the compassion and empathy i feel for children from my father's mother and mother's father. these people--the foundation of the family that i have come to so love and cherish, are failing. their health is deteriorating, they are losing their memories, and the vibrance of life that they once had.
that card, however, signified to me that i will always have the sturdy foundation of these folk to carry me and lift up my heart when i'm feeling like death is winning. holding it close to my heart and closing my eyes, i remembered watching my grandpa at his strongest bailing hay and smelling like cow shit and motor oil after coming in for supper and pouring a half of glass of sugar with some iced tea in it. i thought about my grandma's hands as she kneaded dough to make endless pans of cinnamon rolls for her grand babies who adored them so much. i thought about the stoic stare of my grandma marge as she took charge and changed the nursing field that she so loved. i remembered my grandpa bob's warm embrace after hearing about a struggle or a kind card he sent to remind me of his ceaseless prayers.
all of these memories and people are a part of me. these four people, the foundations of my family, are carried in my heart. while my heart breaks and i selfishly wish they could remain on this earth, i send endless prayers of thanks up for providing me with a strong foundation as a woman who wants to start her own life.
i thought for a long time that i was a weak woman. i had a mentality that i couldn't do it alone. what i am learning now, is that because of the experiences i've come across and the foundation of family, faith, and friendship that i have--i am strong. while my heart breaks and those silent tears fall when i think about death and how real it is becoming to me, i look at my hands and think about how i'm connected to the kneading and nursing of my grandmothers, the music directing and praying of my grandfathers, and the love of my parents.
when my grandfather was still lucid enough to remember who i was, he said to me "i've done everything in my life that i've wanted to. i married the love of my life and raised 5 great children. i got to direct music for almost 60 years and buy a farm that i loved working and living on." this is such a comfort to me!
the old farmhouse that they lived in for isn't anything spectacular. it's old, it creaks, and the stairs are steep. the basement smells of mildew, and there's only one bathroom. (a 7 person family and 1 bathroom...) the images of all of my grandparents all live in that house. that, my friends, as corny as it sounds, is my house of dreams. that is where all of my dreams lie. the foundation of that very house--signifies the foundation of my life. cozying up by the fire, taking it all in, and having a thankful heart.
death will not win. the memories and steadfast faith--along with the comfort of an afterlife where we're all together again, is what i will hold on to. i will forever remember my grandpa, who is dying, as he was. a diligent choir director, a hardworking farmer, a provider, a loving father, and the best example of a teacher that i will ever have.
i am blessed.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
i'm waiting for the punchline.
i'm sitting in my living room in an empty house that is usually filled with football, beer, and endless obscenities being shouted at the packer game on TV.
it's safe to say that fall is over. 39 degrees and a cold chill in the air. we've had a beautiful and bright fall here, and i've done my best to enjoy every second of it and breathe it all in. there have been days of unimaginable success and days of terrible failure on this adventure.
i've landed the job of my dreams. i left my elementary school job quickly to take on high school students who, throughout my entire undergraduate career, pushed me to succeed and be better. i bought a wine rack, feeling quite official, and filled it with various red wines tonight. i made supper on my own for precious family, and returned home to be with my malbec and crappy novel.
i'm waiting for the punchline.
when do i get to throw up my hat in minneapolis and have everything fall into place like mary tyler moore? when do i get to enjoy those bottles of wine with those who i hold so dear? when do i get to read a mediocre novel with someone? i've worked hard to get to where i am. where's the punchline?
i have rich experiences every day. i am touched by the drive of dedicated staff members and driven students. where's the punchline? when does the musical montage of my lonely life end?
after dinner with my mom's parents tonight, my grandpa said something like this to me: "i'm going to say the thing that grandparent's are supposed to say. and i'm going to say it until you're tired of hearing it." i waited, anxious to hear the mundane, "do your best. stay faithful to your God and get to church." instead, with a sheepish grin on his face, he murmured, "it goes fast." after this heartfelt comment, i recognized what he was saying and tears came to my already tear tainted eyes.
time.
what a concept that we take for granted. this concept so quickly slips through our fingers. we wait. we wait for the punchline. we wait for those moments that "define" our lives, never realizing that those moments are in the mundane tasks that we so loathe. we go through our lives never realizing that our greatest friend and worst enemy is time.
as of late, i've had a lot of time to reflect on the concept of time. both of my grandpa's are suffering--in differing circumstances--but at the end of the day are so grateful for the lives that they've lived. they repeat the ever so cliche verse "i've done everything in my life that i've wanted to, i don't regret a thing." they, surrounded by their families, are their proudest. with their sheepish grins and laughter, rejoice in their lives and in the concept of time. looking back fondly on their memories, so rich in love, faith, laughter, even pain, that they are content with time.
i, on the other hand, am fighting time. time and i are in a war. i want to fast forward through this. i want to get to that place in my life where i'm settled in a job, ready to work at it every day, not feeling like i'm going to shit my pants every morning when i walk in to the building. ready to come home to a home cooked meal, a puppy who isn't going to piss on the floor when i walk in the door, ready to smell the smell of home. my home.
however. i walk in the door to a peeing animal, obscenities being shouted at the packer game, and peanut butter and jelly and diet coke, maybe macaroni and cheese and milk if i'm lucky.
but, in the words of wise grandfather, who has watched me grow, watched me fail and succeed, watched me laugh, cry, changed my diapers, even supported me through my worst, "it goes fast."
so, time. i make peace with you. instead of waging war with you, i decide that time isn't going to be my enemy anymore. these precious moments with my roommates, even while we share a dinner that is fit for a college freshman, are sharing moments that we will never get back. my undeniably excited animal can go ahead and pee on the wood floor. there's nothing that a little snap cleaning product can't fix. my crappy novel is going to give me at least one quote that i will carry with me throughout this journey of time.
every day is a gift.
all we have is time.
...there's my punchline.
i'm sitting in my living room in an empty house that is usually filled with football, beer, and endless obscenities being shouted at the packer game on TV.
it's safe to say that fall is over. 39 degrees and a cold chill in the air. we've had a beautiful and bright fall here, and i've done my best to enjoy every second of it and breathe it all in. there have been days of unimaginable success and days of terrible failure on this adventure.
i've landed the job of my dreams. i left my elementary school job quickly to take on high school students who, throughout my entire undergraduate career, pushed me to succeed and be better. i bought a wine rack, feeling quite official, and filled it with various red wines tonight. i made supper on my own for precious family, and returned home to be with my malbec and crappy novel.
i'm waiting for the punchline.
when do i get to throw up my hat in minneapolis and have everything fall into place like mary tyler moore? when do i get to enjoy those bottles of wine with those who i hold so dear? when do i get to read a mediocre novel with someone? i've worked hard to get to where i am. where's the punchline?
i have rich experiences every day. i am touched by the drive of dedicated staff members and driven students. where's the punchline? when does the musical montage of my lonely life end?
after dinner with my mom's parents tonight, my grandpa said something like this to me: "i'm going to say the thing that grandparent's are supposed to say. and i'm going to say it until you're tired of hearing it." i waited, anxious to hear the mundane, "do your best. stay faithful to your God and get to church." instead, with a sheepish grin on his face, he murmured, "it goes fast." after this heartfelt comment, i recognized what he was saying and tears came to my already tear tainted eyes.
time.
what a concept that we take for granted. this concept so quickly slips through our fingers. we wait. we wait for the punchline. we wait for those moments that "define" our lives, never realizing that those moments are in the mundane tasks that we so loathe. we go through our lives never realizing that our greatest friend and worst enemy is time.
as of late, i've had a lot of time to reflect on the concept of time. both of my grandpa's are suffering--in differing circumstances--but at the end of the day are so grateful for the lives that they've lived. they repeat the ever so cliche verse "i've done everything in my life that i've wanted to, i don't regret a thing." they, surrounded by their families, are their proudest. with their sheepish grins and laughter, rejoice in their lives and in the concept of time. looking back fondly on their memories, so rich in love, faith, laughter, even pain, that they are content with time.
i, on the other hand, am fighting time. time and i are in a war. i want to fast forward through this. i want to get to that place in my life where i'm settled in a job, ready to work at it every day, not feeling like i'm going to shit my pants every morning when i walk in to the building. ready to come home to a home cooked meal, a puppy who isn't going to piss on the floor when i walk in the door, ready to smell the smell of home. my home.
however. i walk in the door to a peeing animal, obscenities being shouted at the packer game, and peanut butter and jelly and diet coke, maybe macaroni and cheese and milk if i'm lucky.
but, in the words of wise grandfather, who has watched me grow, watched me fail and succeed, watched me laugh, cry, changed my diapers, even supported me through my worst, "it goes fast."
so, time. i make peace with you. instead of waging war with you, i decide that time isn't going to be my enemy anymore. these precious moments with my roommates, even while we share a dinner that is fit for a college freshman, are sharing moments that we will never get back. my undeniably excited animal can go ahead and pee on the wood floor. there's nothing that a little snap cleaning product can't fix. my crappy novel is going to give me at least one quote that i will carry with me throughout this journey of time.
every day is a gift.
all we have is time.
...there's my punchline.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
I am back where I started.
Alone again.
Having thought I was with someone who was going to be very longterm, and having it end is both earth shattering and entirely depressing when you realize that everything you thought you wanted isn't exactly what you want anymore. The breakup that you so loathed and didn't want to happen so quickly looms on the horizon and it's time to pick up your pieces again. It's time to start over.
Needless to say, last Tuesday evening, I was left with a lot of questions. "What am I going to do now?" "Where does my heart go?" "Who will I take care of?" "Who will take care of me?" "Where do I go from here?"
Last Wednesday morning, the sun still rose. I still had a job, a dog, roommates, and responsibilities to take care of. I stayed in bed for three days (with strep throat and broken heart) and only got out of bed to let the dog out and pee myself. My sweet roommates brought me dinner, because I "had to" eat. I cried more tears than I think I ever have, and my heart is, for the first time broken.
I have thrown the word broken around before. I have cried, screamed, thrown things, gotten extremely angry, been devastatingly sad, depressed, lonely. . .you name it. Through every breakup, I have done it. However, in my reflection (believe me, I was in bed for 3 days, I had the time to reflect), I recognize that in this breakup, my heart is broken because I broke it. I became someone completely other than who I thought I was in this relationship and that scared the shit out of me. I look in the mirror now and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. So, when this relationship ended, the girl I thought I was died with the relationship. Identity crisis? I think so.
I have been known for saying "I know exactly who I am"--thinking that I mean it and know myself, my heart, and my emotions better than anybody. Now, however, I recognize and acknowledge the fact that I have no idea who the hell I am. I look around my new bedroom, and I think, "I never would have walked into this room and recognized as my own 3 weeks ago." The art, the color scheme, my new bedding--everything about this room is something that I would never have picked out before.
I have am left alone now with so many questions. I don't answer to anybody but my God and myself at the end of the day, and I have had to lean on my faith in God more than anything lately. This morning, before I got out of bed, God and I had a little chat. Since I have cried at least 5 times each day, whether it be in the car, the shower, or when letting Izzy out to pee, I asked God to please help me get out of bed. To give me the strength to start over. I needed a new start, and in reality, this breakup allowed me to get the start that I really needed. Am I happy this wonderful man isn't in my life anymore? By no means! However, I needed a wakeup call. My heart needed to start living into the questions.
These questions that I have--in a couple months, may be answered. Maybe they won't be. I am, however, quite surprised that I still know how to get up, walk, teach, talk, and feed my soul alone. I lost a big part of myself in thinking that a relationship was the way to happiness. I am somewhat embarrassed to look back at my writing and recognize a girl who thought that the right guy could answer her prayers and push that man so hard to be what she wanted that she actually pushed him out of her life. I am willing to take responsibility in this breakup, for the first time in my life. Usually, it's all about what the guy did. And at the beginning of this one--that's exactly what I did. But, I think the hardest realization I have come across in this breakup is that I need to forgive myself.
I didn't act the way a loving woman would. I pushed, I was so damn negative, I screamed, I cried. Truth is, my heart wasn't in the right place on this one. I was dishonest with both myself and the relationship. It was exhausting! I have never been so exhausted in my life--I have never been so sad, so upset. And to think, most of this oppression was brought on by my thoughts!
I had dinner with my two mama's this week. I explained the breakup, my processes, and the reflection I had about it with them. One of them said something that really struck me. She said, "Kaia, you have got to forgive yourself. You have been in a really ugly place for about a year now. It's time for your to look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself the pain you caused yourself and others, forgive yourself for the way you screamed and cried and fought. Just forgive yourself and then you'll be ready to start over." Now, I tried to look at myself in the mirror and do this. I sat on the floor in my room in front of the mirror, ready to give myself the public apology I thought was deserving. But, all I could do was cry. Cry about the little girl I remember I used to be, the family I have at home who has no idea the struggle that I am having, the friends that used to be so much closer, the new life and journey I am now starting on alone. My heart ached, my body ached. Everything hurt.
So now, I write. I write my apology to you, dear Kaia.
Kaia,
This life and relationship you put yourself in and pushed so hard for hurt you. It hurt you because you wanted it so badly. It hurt you because you saw it all around you and strove to be the just like everybody else. You've always walked to the beat of your own drum--why did you think that a relationship would be any different?
You heart has been at an unrest place for almost a year. It's time for you to let yourself go. Let it go. Breathe. Sleep. Eat again.
The choices you have made while your heart has been at this unrest seem unforgivable. They were ugly and not who you wanted to be. This is a wakeup call--a warning. A way for you to be given new breath and a new zest for life. No more fighting. No more dramatics. Just your life. There doesn't have to be a saga everyday. You deserve now, to just live.
That is why your heart forgives you. You are forgiven both by your heart and by your God for the mistreatings, the mean words, the deceits, and the terrible treatment of yourself. I forgive you. You are forgiven. Take a deep breath. Move on. Pick yourself up off the floor, know it's okay to hurt for a little while, and move on. Love yourself again. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments again. Remember the boy who came to school today and told you YOU were the reason he showed up every day? Get out of bed for that.
Get out of bed for the parents who made you and who love you so. Know that they forgive you. Those early morning texts praying for peace--shows you that you are forgiven. You are made new every morning! Get out of bed for your sister--the strongest woman you know who is changing the world that you live in. Be like her. Get out of bed for your best friend who even though is 1200 miles away, would do anything to make you laugh. Who would drink a box of crappy wine over the phone if it would make you happy. Get out of bed for the strong women who have picked up your pieces and called to check on you EVERYDAY to make sure you're eating, sleeping, breathing. Get out of bed for the care and concern you hear in their voices as you sob on the telephone and their ever listening ears as you discern your way through this new life and the new heart you have found beating in your chest. Get out of bed for that heart, Kaia.
YOU ARE FORGIVEN. Live the the questions.
2nd Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"
+Kaia
I am back where I started.
Alone again.
Having thought I was with someone who was going to be very longterm, and having it end is both earth shattering and entirely depressing when you realize that everything you thought you wanted isn't exactly what you want anymore. The breakup that you so loathed and didn't want to happen so quickly looms on the horizon and it's time to pick up your pieces again. It's time to start over.
Needless to say, last Tuesday evening, I was left with a lot of questions. "What am I going to do now?" "Where does my heart go?" "Who will I take care of?" "Who will take care of me?" "Where do I go from here?"
Last Wednesday morning, the sun still rose. I still had a job, a dog, roommates, and responsibilities to take care of. I stayed in bed for three days (with strep throat and broken heart) and only got out of bed to let the dog out and pee myself. My sweet roommates brought me dinner, because I "had to" eat. I cried more tears than I think I ever have, and my heart is, for the first time broken.
I have thrown the word broken around before. I have cried, screamed, thrown things, gotten extremely angry, been devastatingly sad, depressed, lonely. . .you name it. Through every breakup, I have done it. However, in my reflection (believe me, I was in bed for 3 days, I had the time to reflect), I recognize that in this breakup, my heart is broken because I broke it. I became someone completely other than who I thought I was in this relationship and that scared the shit out of me. I look in the mirror now and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. So, when this relationship ended, the girl I thought I was died with the relationship. Identity crisis? I think so.
I have been known for saying "I know exactly who I am"--thinking that I mean it and know myself, my heart, and my emotions better than anybody. Now, however, I recognize and acknowledge the fact that I have no idea who the hell I am. I look around my new bedroom, and I think, "I never would have walked into this room and recognized as my own 3 weeks ago." The art, the color scheme, my new bedding--everything about this room is something that I would never have picked out before.
I have am left alone now with so many questions. I don't answer to anybody but my God and myself at the end of the day, and I have had to lean on my faith in God more than anything lately. This morning, before I got out of bed, God and I had a little chat. Since I have cried at least 5 times each day, whether it be in the car, the shower, or when letting Izzy out to pee, I asked God to please help me get out of bed. To give me the strength to start over. I needed a new start, and in reality, this breakup allowed me to get the start that I really needed. Am I happy this wonderful man isn't in my life anymore? By no means! However, I needed a wakeup call. My heart needed to start living into the questions.
These questions that I have--in a couple months, may be answered. Maybe they won't be. I am, however, quite surprised that I still know how to get up, walk, teach, talk, and feed my soul alone. I lost a big part of myself in thinking that a relationship was the way to happiness. I am somewhat embarrassed to look back at my writing and recognize a girl who thought that the right guy could answer her prayers and push that man so hard to be what she wanted that she actually pushed him out of her life. I am willing to take responsibility in this breakup, for the first time in my life. Usually, it's all about what the guy did. And at the beginning of this one--that's exactly what I did. But, I think the hardest realization I have come across in this breakup is that I need to forgive myself.
I didn't act the way a loving woman would. I pushed, I was so damn negative, I screamed, I cried. Truth is, my heart wasn't in the right place on this one. I was dishonest with both myself and the relationship. It was exhausting! I have never been so exhausted in my life--I have never been so sad, so upset. And to think, most of this oppression was brought on by my thoughts!
I had dinner with my two mama's this week. I explained the breakup, my processes, and the reflection I had about it with them. One of them said something that really struck me. She said, "Kaia, you have got to forgive yourself. You have been in a really ugly place for about a year now. It's time for your to look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself the pain you caused yourself and others, forgive yourself for the way you screamed and cried and fought. Just forgive yourself and then you'll be ready to start over." Now, I tried to look at myself in the mirror and do this. I sat on the floor in my room in front of the mirror, ready to give myself the public apology I thought was deserving. But, all I could do was cry. Cry about the little girl I remember I used to be, the family I have at home who has no idea the struggle that I am having, the friends that used to be so much closer, the new life and journey I am now starting on alone. My heart ached, my body ached. Everything hurt.
So now, I write. I write my apology to you, dear Kaia.
Kaia,
This life and relationship you put yourself in and pushed so hard for hurt you. It hurt you because you wanted it so badly. It hurt you because you saw it all around you and strove to be the just like everybody else. You've always walked to the beat of your own drum--why did you think that a relationship would be any different?
You heart has been at an unrest place for almost a year. It's time for you to let yourself go. Let it go. Breathe. Sleep. Eat again.
The choices you have made while your heart has been at this unrest seem unforgivable. They were ugly and not who you wanted to be. This is a wakeup call--a warning. A way for you to be given new breath and a new zest for life. No more fighting. No more dramatics. Just your life. There doesn't have to be a saga everyday. You deserve now, to just live.
That is why your heart forgives you. You are forgiven both by your heart and by your God for the mistreatings, the mean words, the deceits, and the terrible treatment of yourself. I forgive you. You are forgiven. Take a deep breath. Move on. Pick yourself up off the floor, know it's okay to hurt for a little while, and move on. Love yourself again. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments again. Remember the boy who came to school today and told you YOU were the reason he showed up every day? Get out of bed for that.
Get out of bed for the parents who made you and who love you so. Know that they forgive you. Those early morning texts praying for peace--shows you that you are forgiven. You are made new every morning! Get out of bed for your sister--the strongest woman you know who is changing the world that you live in. Be like her. Get out of bed for your best friend who even though is 1200 miles away, would do anything to make you laugh. Who would drink a box of crappy wine over the phone if it would make you happy. Get out of bed for the strong women who have picked up your pieces and called to check on you EVERYDAY to make sure you're eating, sleeping, breathing. Get out of bed for the care and concern you hear in their voices as you sob on the telephone and their ever listening ears as you discern your way through this new life and the new heart you have found beating in your chest. Get out of bed for that heart, Kaia.
YOU ARE FORGIVEN. Live the the questions.
2nd Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"
+Kaia
Friday, June 17, 2011
61. paying bills and the sensation it feels to have them done and over with
62. filling the car up with gas when it's super empty
63. a large cup of coffee bought from the coffee shop for the last time before it changes
64. the anticipation of a new hair cut
65. norah jones (again) and jason mraz
66. driving with the windows down
67. getting my weekends back after 3 years of weekend college
68. a night with my nose in a book and the boy playing vids :)
69. getting taken care of by best friends
70. a whole stack of novels to read for a weekend in the sun
62. filling the car up with gas when it's super empty
63. a large cup of coffee bought from the coffee shop for the last time before it changes
64. the anticipation of a new hair cut
65. norah jones (again) and jason mraz
66. driving with the windows down
67. getting my weekends back after 3 years of weekend college
68. a night with my nose in a book and the boy playing vids :)
69. getting taken care of by best friends
70. a whole stack of novels to read for a weekend in the sun
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
41. the need to wear some sexy aviator sunglasses
42. seeing my sister's name on my caller id, even if it's for a simple question
43. waking up to sunshine, an i love you, and a kiss goodbye
44. going to back to sleep after the above gift
45. running into someone who has just received very good news and sharing in their joy
46. anniversaries (hearing about them and being a part of one)
47. going home after a long day of work and taking a nap
48. looking forward to a summer tan
49. a cold glass of water
50. the color gold
51. the planning and implementation of a successful graduation party
52. the excitement of signing a new teaching contract
53. prayer
54. packing up (waaaay too early) to move to a new place
55. a phone call or text message from an old friend planning happy hour or dinner
56. planning a day JUST for ME
57. finishing my last class that involves writing papers
58. giving the man on the street corner a dollar, even though i've got $5 left
59. a good book
60. strappy summer sandals
42. seeing my sister's name on my caller id, even if it's for a simple question
43. waking up to sunshine, an i love you, and a kiss goodbye
44. going to back to sleep after the above gift
45. running into someone who has just received very good news and sharing in their joy
46. anniversaries (hearing about them and being a part of one)
47. going home after a long day of work and taking a nap
48. looking forward to a summer tan
49. a cold glass of water
50. the color gold
51. the planning and implementation of a successful graduation party
52. the excitement of signing a new teaching contract
53. prayer
54. packing up (waaaay too early) to move to a new place
55. a phone call or text message from an old friend planning happy hour or dinner
56. planning a day JUST for ME
57. finishing my last class that involves writing papers
58. giving the man on the street corner a dollar, even though i've got $5 left
59. a good book
60. strappy summer sandals
Friday, June 10, 2011
31. a very excited puppy who is thrilled to see her mama after a long day
32. potluck suppers
33. the look of a tearful groom watching his bride walk down the aisle
34. cousins (new and old!)
35. raindrops falling softly on the window
36. tears of happiness
37. hearing that someone is proud of you
38. my sister--CANNOT BE THANKFUL ENOUGH FOR HER TODAY
39. prayers and conversation with God
40. the sweet sound of my entire family singing a familiar tune together
fight the good fight,
+kaia
32. potluck suppers
33. the look of a tearful groom watching his bride walk down the aisle
34. cousins (new and old!)
35. raindrops falling softly on the window
36. tears of happiness
37. hearing that someone is proud of you
38. my sister--CANNOT BE THANKFUL ENOUGH FOR HER TODAY
39. prayers and conversation with God
40. the sweet sound of my entire family singing a familiar tune together
fight the good fight,
+kaia
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