so be lonely.

this morning, i woke up to the sun.  i woke up amongst my new sheets; crisp and clean and white, and i actually felt well rested, though i stayed up until all hours dinking around.  i came to work to find i had the day off--what a nice way to start the week!  

i had this overwhelming sense of loneliness last night as i sat on my couch, ate brownies, and watched movies.  my heart was yearning for someone to get up and turn off the light for me, to snuggle me in and to laugh at all of the stupid parts i laughed at.  i had the shittiest day i've had in a long time yesterday, and to be honest, i just didn't want to be alone anymore.  i called my best friend and poured out my soul, to which she replied "so be mad about it.  allow yourself to get mad for once."  

she's got a point.  i have a slight problem with getting angry and staying angry.  i look at the time spent being angry as wasteful, when in reality, it's okay to get down to it and really get mad about something once and awhile.  however, i do know that i need to lighten the hell up on particular things.  for instance, yesterday, the tie rod broke on my car.  nothing that i did, just one of those things that happens as a car ages.  i was crying, so upset, my dad was upset, and he had his panties all in a bunch right up until he say my anxiety and tears to which he said "hey, lighten up.  it'll be okay."  he and i are so much alike that it's almost creepy--and when we get worked up about something, we always end up screaming at each other and then i go off thinking he's crazy and he probably goes off wondering how this daughter he created is so insane.  

the fact that it'll be okay doesn't change the fact that it friggin' sucks.  my dad now is without a vehicle and i am ever so hip while i drive the family van.  so, i got mad about it.  and as i got angry, i thought of the other things that had happened that day that made me angry.  but for once in my life, the things that happened were out of my control.  i didn't cause any of them.  it wasn't my poor decision making that caused me to get pink eye, or for my car to break, or for me to walk away from my wallet at target.  it was just a really shitty day.  

anyway, about my loneliness.  i was sitting on the couch, alone, having rented two movies and wanting a night in.  there i was and then:  it hit me.  this overwhelming emptiness that seemed to overcome my being.  not even emptiness or desire for a partner in crime, someone to kiss me or tuck me, just a loneliness.  and it scared me.  i had this big ugly guy named loneliness hanging out with my on my couch, with the same monotone expression that he always has on his face when he visits.  loneliness sits there in a trench coat, staring at me, with his fedora hat and his ugly loafers, and he just sits there by me and makes us both feel like complete shit.  his friend depression usually follows, with that ugly mustache and disgusting smelling cigar.  depression sits there and smokes, laughs at me and makes me feel worse, and loneliness stares at me.  

so, i got up off of the couch, went to my room, and shut the door.  as i was sitting on my bed, i decided to pick up my book and read for awhile.  i also decided to read aloud because it just seemed like the words would seep into my skin and brain and those beautiful sentences would be be more memorable if i read aloud to myself.  the words from the pages filled the room, kicking depression and loneliness out of the door.  the words filled my heart and filled the air with a certain sense that left me feeling like neither d nor l could kick my ass anymore.

this is the paragraph that changed my mind:  "When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely.  Learn your way around loneliness.  Make a map of it.  Sit with it, for once in your life.  Welcome to the human experience.  But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."  (Gilbert, 65)  

i was lonely.  so what?  i need to learn how to be lonely if i'm ever going to learn how to be together with someone.  and believe me, i know it sucks.  it sucks really bad.  but you know what, i'm good.  i'm taking care of myself.  i can take myself to the doctor (even diagnose pink eye by simply waking up in the morning).  i can drive myself to where i need to go.  i can clean my own room, pick out new sheets, and simply be by myself.  

and when i do get lonely, the map tells me to pick up a book, and fill the room with words to fight off those super irritating and ugly dudes, d and l.  i can turn on some music, get lost in the emotion that is in it for me, or i can just simply go for a walk.  this is my fight against this stupid dumbasses.  

i haven't recognized myself in a mirror for awhile now.  you see, i change my hair color the way the weather changes and you never know when you see me if i'm going to be blonde, brunette, or somewhere in between.  well, i just changed my hair back to the original blonde and when i walk into a place with a mirror, i have to do a double take to make sure it's actually me.  when did this happen?  when did i get so lost that i don't even recognize myself in a mirror?  i looked a couple pictures of myself from a wedding this weekend and wondered "who is she, and when did she become so unfamiliar?"  

and then, i read this.  (i'm telling you, these words fill up my heart and make me feel so much better.)  "I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost, but whose face was so familiar.  In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works.  But for some reason, that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.  Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."  

who knew that words could be so beautiful?  who knew that i could be filled with hope and joy because of beautifully strung sentences and nouns, adjectives, verbs, even grammar, for that matter.  is this who i've become?  well, i'm okay with that. 

i encourage each of you to read this book, "Eat, Pray, Love" not because of all the hype that's surrounding the new movie.  don't even go and see the movie until you've read the book, because i promise you, you will be a bit disappointed.  the book will eat you up with it's deliciousness and bring back feelings to you that used to be familiar but in the business of this world were forgotten.  gilbert's writings will evoke emotions in you that have been dormant for awhile.  you will laugh, you will cry, and you might even be tempted to call upon that old guy named God again. 

i prayed last night, i fell asleep in the midst of my prayer.  though my sleepiness fogs my memory, the one thing i remember saying was "i need you."  and i do.  God, i need you.  i'm not ashamed to say it.  without God, these feelings about d and l or about not recognizing myself would go unnoticed and i would be fine in my complacent little life, going through motions, shopping at department stores and looking for the perfect jacket, new makeup or the the latest thong underwear design.  but instead, i think i'll go outside.  listen to the breeze, look around and actually take pleasure in something other than shopping today.

thanks, pink eye, for giving me the day off to do so.

fight the good fight,

+kaia 

kalos kai agathos

(note:  this pictures i've described of depression and loneliness can't be taken credit for by me.  thy are actually the pictures i gathered from "eat, pray, love" and elizabeth gilbert's recollection of what these bad guys looked like.  her explanation was conveyed so much better than mine.  read it.  it will help, i promise.) 

today.

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again
You cant begin to give in
It's all over

When the snows come rolling though
You're rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you've told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season

so it's dawning on me.  although it's hotter than seven hells, summer is coming to a close.  where does the time go?  every year that i get older, the year seems to go by faster.  pretty soon i'll blink and it will be christmas.  what is happening to my life?  i'm living in fast forward.

i've been trying my darndest to really enjoy this summer and really figure somethings out throughout it all.  i always look back think that i could have done more, said more, changed more.  i'm at that point right now.  what else could i have done to morph into that person that i pictured at the beginning of the summer?

for one thing, i'd be a hell of a lot skinnier (would have started running), i'd have made a lot more changes to my spending habits, and i might have gone on more vacations, slept a little more, been out in the sun a whole heck of a lot more, and probably drank better beer.  but alas, the season is ending.  i only have 2 and a half weeks left to do everything i planned.  don't think i'm going to shed that extra 25,000 pounds i've been carrying around, nor do i think i'll get much sleep in the next 2 weeks.  

however, i'm so excited about the reality that school is starting.  my last fall at augsburg--gah, when did this happen?  it will be a year of lasts for me.  so strange!  but it will be a new beginning as well.  instead of looking at it as the end of something, i'd rather think of it as a new beginning.  a new beginning in which i'm able to really grow and flourish.  i don't want to look back on this year and think "shit, i should've done that . . ."  so there are going to be nights that turn into mornings, times when i probably pee my pants, and times when i sit outside to just take it all in and make a memory with.  

if we aren't careful, we can blink and life will pass us by.  if we aren't careful we'll wake up one day wondering where we are and what happened.  appreciating the little things in life is such a task, but is one of the most important things that we can do.  appreciating the small victories, laughing at the things that make us angry, and choosing to have a positive attitude over negative one is so vital to keeping your head above water and figuring things out the way that you want to.


i've noticed that when i just sit at my desk at work, i find myself smiling.  and for what?  no reason.  it's nice to get into practice to simply smile no matter what is going around.  the phone rings off the hook, i make 27 mistakes in planning visits, whatever, i'm good!  everything's fine.  i look around, nod my head, and notice how friggin' awesome my life is.




this isn't to say that there aren't those days that i don't struggle.  believe me, read below if you don't.  but, i deserve a hell of a lot more credit than i give myself for.  and so do you!  so why are you holding on to the fact that you screwed up that one time?  i betcha there's somebody in your life who thinks you are kickass.  find out who that person is.  have them be your person.  have that person remind you how great you are and give you credit where credit is due.




this weekend is going to be a good one.  i feel it!  i'm letting my hair down, gonna let loose, and soak up the sun. 




try it for yourself.




fight the good fight,


+kaia

love.

going through each and every one of my blog posts, i start each with a sentence of lament.  something to complain about.  maybe that's what this blog is for, but, for today, i want to be thankful for what i have.

life is such a precious gift.  even waking up in the morning--opening your eyes and realizing that you are alive, what a gift.  taking a deep breath, jumping out of bed (as i do, because i'm apt to be 20 minutes late), and starting your day.  realizing that you are alive.  you never know when this life may come to an end, no matter what unfinished business that you have, no matter who you told you loved them, no matter what.  

every single day is a gift.  we are given this life to revel in creation, figuring out who we are, laugh, cry, figure things out, be more confused than ever, but most of all, we are created to love each other.  no matter what your denomination, it's hard to argue with the simple fact that we are here to love each other, help each other, and guide one another on this crazy journey.

why is there so much pain in the world?  life is too short to deal with stress or anxiety about particular things, or to worry about what tomorrow will bring.  in reality, tomorrow isn't even for certain--it's completely uncertain.  so taking today and enjoying it is of utmost importance.  

it isn't the easiest thing to do, trust me.  i feel like there is so much pain in this world that in the midst of it all, we lose sight about what life truly is and lose ourselves in the strife that we deal with and in the uncomfortable things that hold us down.  there are so many uncomfortable things in our lives that can misdirect us and make us lose sight.  anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, etc.  all of these emotions that can get us off track and forget about everything we have to be happy about and to enjoy can make us feel lost and alone, when in reality, we have so many support systems that we could lean on for help.  

a friend of mine that passed away a couple of years ago gave me this quote once as i told her about the pain and suffering that i was feeling and how lost i was:  

"There is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy. Our experience of love, no matter how loyal or ecstatic, is marked by selfishness and pain. Such is our lot. We reach for the sky, but cannot inherit the earth. We long for the good, but frequently produce something that is a pale version of our best intentions. Made for God's highest intention, we sometimes fritter away our calling and opportunities. Made for greatness, we easily become sidetracked by our success and power. A profound sadness thus underlies our life.  But our sadness can be turned into joy. This is not a joy that comes from a perpetual striving, but a joy that comes in the midst of our pain. It's the joy of being loved despite our imperfections. It's the joy that comes as a gift we don't deserve. It's the joy that comes as a surprise in spite of ourselves.  Thus, in the midst of our pain we can celebrate. In the midst of our broken world we can still dance."

the last sentence, "in the midst of our broken world, we can still dance" is my favorite.  

 i'm a big believer in what i lovingly call "car dancing".  this means at every stop sign, red light, in the midst of the worst traffic jam, i like to provide the cars around me with a little entertainment.  lately, it's been the debut CD of the hanson brothers, "the middle of nowhere".  i put that CD in, let it blare out of my open windows, and dance like a the true fool that i am.  this is my way of exerting all of the negative energy of my day while providing some entertainment to those other cars on franklin ave.  it's actually quite hilarious.  one day i actually had the car next to me singing and dancing along.  precious!

this life that we're given is quite a gift.  it could be over at any moment.  but to sing, to laugh, to dance, even to breathe, is a gift.  no matter what you've got to complain about.  

tell the people that you love that you love them, say it often, say it openly, let them know.  feel free to dance in the aisle at the grocery store, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, or go on a walk late at night when you know you should be asleep.  look at the stars, go for a drive, stay up late talking on the phone.  laugh louder, embarrass yourself, do something child like.  have another glass of wine, eat some more chocolate, finish up that ben and jerry's tub.  enjoy yourself.  do something every day that just reminds you of how great it is to be alive.  

do a little car dancing on your drive home today.  

fight the good fight,  

+kaia

"Life is short, we do not have too much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel the way with us. So be swift to love, make haste to be kind, and may the Divine mystery be always with you."

two hours at target.

when i get stressed out, i go to target.

what a bad habit! i go and walk around aimlessly, thinking of all the wonderful things i could buy myself, while still realizing that i have no money to be spending on 48 candles, or plants, or little knick knacks for my room. nor do i have the money for new clothes, an air freshener, or a bottle of nail polish.

but you know what i did buy at target yesterday? i bought myself a bouquet of flowers. i've just never understood why women have to wait around for a significant other to buy them flowers. it doesn't make any sense. do women who are alone deserve to have no beauty of fragrance in their life? pppssshhh, nope.

granted, i bought the cheapest flowers on the rack, they probably will die in 2 days and are more likely weeds than they are flowers. but in my mind, even dandelions have their beauty until they wilt.

after i went to target, i went home, sat on my floor, and budgeted for myself. i have a couple of significant bills to pay off before summer's end and, surprise! i figured out how i am going to do it. all by myself. if i plan it right, i will even be able to buy myself that plant i've been eyeing or a new bottle of hot pink nail polish!

budgeting makes me feel like such a little grown up. figuring out what i can afford, what i can do, and when i can do it is kind of empowering. you can't argue with the numbers on paper. my parents always say "you must live within your means!" the stress that i sometimes feel because i have no money or am running low is unnecessary. i shouldn't have to be so stressed that i can't sleep over something that i can control.

that's a common theme within my life. everything that i get stressed out about or have such terrible anxiety over i have control. most of the time i don't understand my anxiety, but lately, i have figured out that if i can get to the root of it, and find the source of what is going on, i can overcome it. there are, of course, those things in my life that i have absolutely no control over, but when those come along, i can counter them with prayer, meditation, or other modes of management.

whoa, do i sound like my mother or what?

i'm more independent and do better by myself than i give myself credit for. of course, there are those days when i feel super shitty about being alone or i get in mental fights with myself about the way that i budget or the things i choose to do. but, you know what? i'm learning. every day, i get up, whether i have the mathsen scowl on my face or am smiling, i have the courage to just get out of bed. i don't think that simple act is recognized enough.

"Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”

fight the good fight,
+kaia

independent woman?

so lately i've been struggling with being a single woman in a world that seems like everyone is "attached". it's so annoying! you can't go anywhere without seeing the "kissy" face or see couples doing coupl"y" things. i've been so irritated with it. i don't have one friend that is single, one friend that i can call up and say, "let's just go out and do the single thing". and that is so irritating to me.

is it my friend's fault that they have found guys that care for them and that they mesh really well with? no. so why do i get irritated? no idea. but i've found lately that it's the fear of being alone and dealing with that loneliness that fires my irritation. i am so damn lonesome. i come home from work and go to my room to either nap or open a book. then, i eat some dinner and putz around until it's time to go to bed. i don't have anyone to help me budget, or to go on a walk with, or to even just dissect my day when i get a little crazy.

but you know what? that's fine. i'm learning to how to "self talk", and how to budget, as well as how to cook on my own. (that part is coming a lot slower than the rest of it). i go to bed alone every night, say my prayers, and say good night to no one. i do a lot of things by myself. and i'm actually getting kind of good at it. i get to do things on my own terms, do my own thing, be my own person. if i want to, i can recreate myself every damn day. i answer to me and to my God at the end of the day. (thanks God, for dealing with the little streak of sass, crazy, and psycho i have in me).


my best friend (now married) made a good point in a recent conversation we had. she said that she took so many of those "single" life things for granted. shopping until 9 PM, staying up late and going to the bar with friends, traveling, everything you don't think of when you're single but you miss when you're attached.

the other thing is, i'm 21 years old. what's the friggin' rush? why would i not want to spend my 20's doing the things that i appreciate, living the life that i choose, and figuring out who exactly this person named kaia mathsen is? believe me, i'm working on it.

i live a pretty kickass life. i have a super supportive family, a great job, and a future that is as bright as the sunshine. do i have issues? yes. but there is no reason i should be lonesome when i've got such wonderful things going for me. i go to bed giving thanks to God for the numerous blessings he has put in my life every night, and everyday i am reminded a little bit more of those blessings. i have the choice to put a fat smile on my face every morning, or give in to the loneliness and fear that i have.

do i love being single and independent every day? hell no. some days i wish someone would just take over my life for me. but you know what? i would rather learn all of this now and figure things out for myself than really regret my choices later in life.

am i going to be single, independent, and fabulous? hell yes.

fight the good fight,

kaia

The Music Man - Trouble... right here in River City!

Letting Go

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"
— Mary Manin Morrissey

i'm sitting in houston drinking a glass of red wine, among great company, smiling, laughing, feeling really good about life and looking forward to going back to st. paul and getting life back in order before school starts.

after a whirlwind weekend, ten thousand emotions, and a little frustration and angst along the way, i'm ready to let it all go, release it all and let go of the pain of this trip. it has been painful...returning to a place that i thought would remain unchanged and realizing that it does go on. people change, ideas change, and the perception of who i am or who i was changes as well. i was so sad about it, so distraught at the fact that this place in my memory no longer exists as a place of escape for me.

but, instead of harboring those emotions and dwelling on the pain that i have encountered in the days since i left minnesota, i'm going to look forward. someone once told me "look at life through the windshield, not the rear view mirror" and as the quote above states, i'm going to let go. i waste so much energy each and every day on holding on to this that simply do not matter. we hold onto these things, comments that were made, things that were done, as if they hold value you. and you know what? the pain that holds us back have no value. none. the only thing this pain and these negative emotions are doing for me is making me feel worse about a life that is actually pretty great.

this place will remain a blessing, a beautiful place in my memory. i danced, i sang, i laughed, and boy did i have a blast. the pain that i encountered there now doesn't exist. it's gone. that anchor has been pulled up, i'm looking forward.

i'm looking forward to my last year of college, delving into everything that is augsburg. i'm looking forward to a new year, a fresh start. new friends, new ideas, the prospect of new jobs. i'm looking forward to getting my own place, a new dog. i'm looking forward to a winter, to christmas, to fire, new books, time with my family. i'm looking forward to laughing and learning and most of all, loving.

will i wish the present away? no. i want to look forward, but also enjoy today. today is what we have. tomorrow is uncertain. so, while i can wish and plan and hope, today is what i have. so, for today, i'm letting go of the pain, the anxiety, the sadness that i've recently felt. i'm done. i'm over it. i'm letting it go.

what are you going to let go of today?

fight the good fight,

+kaia