finding balance.

so here i am. 

on the cusp of beginning my career, graduating from college, loving my girlfriends and family, and hanging out with a really nice guy. 

my heart is so full of joy and peace that i could shout it from the rooftops.  i find myself using words like "groovy", "radical", and "awesome" on a more regular basis.  i smile in my car--by myself.  

however, you know what?  i am not doing these things because i'm beginning my career, graduating from college, loving my girlfriends and family, or because i'm hanging out with a really nice guy.  

i have realized over the past couple of weeks that i really like who i am.  like, seriously.  i am kind of kick ass.  i don't mean to toot my own horn here.  honestly, i don't.  but believe me, i have wasted so much time thinking that having a "best friend", "boyfriend", "boss", love you is a prerequisite to loving yourself.

my life is so richly blessed.  i have a roof over my head, a car to drive, a loving family, an adorable puppy dog, and a ever loving God who answers my prayers and carries me when i can't walk.  when i am at my weakest--He is at his strongest.  after i had put down the qualms i have about myself or my life and have accepted the little things that make me, me (and awesome at that), i began to realize that there is nothing more important than having a loving relationship with yourself.

cue the sex and the city monologue :  “Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

this relationship that i have with myself is one that goes through a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis.  i recognize the strong, stoic, norwegian blood flowing through my veins, but i also embrace the culture, systems, and ideas of the metropolis and people around me.  i am grateful for this diversity because it makes me who i am.  i have picked and chosen different aspects of this life for me to use to plant seeds in my heart to truly grow.  i use the learning strategies that i learn about in my classes in school to develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship with myself.

all of these "prerequisites" to loving myself have fallen by the wayside.  i have surrounded myself with people who love the me that i love and who are interested in learning more about me.  i have set goals for myself and for my future.  i am unafraid of the things that used to scare the living daylights out of me.  teaching, deep friendship, even love are not as untouchable or scary to me any more. 

i have taken control of the things that are of the most importance to me and have worn the different things that i have decided for myself on a daily basis.  my handshake is firmer, my smile is genuine, and my care and concern for myself has dramatically changed.

i guess in a way i have found someone to love the me that i love.

and she's been looking at me in the mirror every day for 22 years.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

"Education is a social process. Education is growth. Education is, not a preparation for life; education is life itself."

i have to tell you how excited i am.  i spent yesterday teaching (all day, i know, what a concept) and it was amazing.  i have thought for so long that i want to go another route--but yesterday absolutely solidified the fact that i am made to be a teacher.  it's the way that i'm wired.  

i spent the morning with ELL third graders.  we ran around the dome at augsburg, talked about what college meant to them, and then had lunch together.  as i sat and looked around the table, my heart was so full.  i can't begin to tell you what being around children will do for your soul.  it is unbelievable.  

i was sitting at a table of 3rd grade girls who were speaking to each other in spanish.  i told them that i wanted to learn some spanish from them and asked if they would teach me some.  a little girl said "okay, the first thing we teach you is this."  they each raised their glass and shrieked, "salud, miss kaia!"  you have absolutely no idea how my heart overflowed with joy and peace at that very moment.  my smile was pasted on for the rest of the day; my passion for teaching has been restored.  

after my morning with third grade, i traveled to southwest high school in minneapolis to try my hand at special education with 9-12 grades.  after spending an hour being paraded around the school meeting various important people, putting on my most professional face, i was ready (and nervous) to meet and talk to the students.  i seriously have never wanted to pee my pants more.  my educational background is built around an extremely small town, an even smaller high school, and here i was.  in an urban setting, with a teacher i barely knew, and with students who could have turned their backs on me and let me go unnoticed. but, there i was, equipped with my tights and teacher dress, ready to begin.

i spoke for a particularly long time with a young woman, a freshman, about her educational background and interest.  i was shocked at how open she was with me and how willing she was to share her story with a complete stranger.  she opened up to me, sharing significant events in her life that have made her the person that she is and put her at this high school.  

i have no words to describe how fulfilling my day was.  if there was a way for me to write about it, i would.  my excitement for teaching is back---after having been dormant and irritated after the entire first semester's math problems.  however, here i am.  though i may not, in some professor's opinion (UGH) be equipped to teach, here i am.  there it sits.  

my heart is in it.  the rest--as they say--is just details.  

fight the good fight,

+kaia

i have had a surprising revelation in the last week.

by the very admission of my own struggle--i have found some kind of peace.  in a discussion with my ever wise grandmother, i found some of the answers that i have been searching for right here inside of myself.

i would never admit this to anyone else--(well, i suppose that's exactly what i'm doing...) but a lot of the things that i have been yearning and searching for are right within myself or my family.

for instance.  this weekend i got so much joy and appreciated my life and those in it twice over when i got to have lunch with my grandma, mom, and all of her sisters.  i laughed with them and watched these amazing women talk about what worries them at their point in life, how they got to be where they are, and the struggle it takes to figure out who you really are.  i listened to my grandma talk about all of the various things that she has done in her lifetime and i guess i never really realized how kick ass she has been in her journey.  i'm serious--some of the things she talks about having done, i can't believe it!  she is a powerhouse. 


i know that there are people who don't have strong relationships with their parents and for some reason that makes me so sad.  i wish that everyone could have loving, compassionate, understanding parents who are able to really get it.  this is not to say that my parents get it all the time; however, they do their best to truly understand what's going on, how we can fix it, and go from there.

after this, i got to skype with my sister.  skyping is a lot different than talking on the phone because you can actually see the person.  it was so great to get a "tour" of her apartment and talk to her about school and my plans for after graduation.  she's three years older than me so it's interesting to get her perspective about my plans for next year.  (i also like that she laughs at all of my jokes, silly as they may be)

this weekend i will go to our family birthday party and be surrounded with family who are interested in my plans, what i'm doing, and where i'm going.  do you know how complete that makes me feel?  i am so blessed to have such a caring and huge family to be with. 

so, my conclusion is that i have a lot of what i've been searching for has been right in front of me.  all of these unanswered prayers have been around for the majority of my life.  i just haven't appreciated them.  i have taken them for granted.  i don't want to do that anymore. 

no, take that back.  i won't do that anymore.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMFpZRDYha4

please excuse the strong language and images that this might cause you.  i think it's hilarious.

the best part about this--he's so right.  read my blog.  woof.  how many posts are about how lonely i am and how much i am longing for a boyfriend?  again, woof.

i was feeling low again about past mistakes and different boys that have come my way and the choices i've made to screw things up...this cute little man picked me right back up.

so.  i'm taking his advice.  call me conceited or self involved, but today, i am going to write about the things that i love about myself. 

my love for people. 
i have the capacity to love each and every person that comes my way.  i know i do.  send me to target, caribou, or any place, and i promise you, i will make friends with the cashier, the stock lady or anybody who i encounter.  take today for example.  i went to target to get tampons, advil, and tomato soup (i wonder what time of the month it is?)  i sat at talked with the cashier woman for 15 minutes about how she used to have long, beautiful hair and how her dad never wanted her to get into the "hippie" movement in the 70's.  don't ask me how it came up.  i have no idea.  15 minutes later...i was on my way out of target with a smile on my face.

my love of quotes.
say what you will--i know some people hate the stereotypical quote face book status, but why is it such a bad thing for me to gain strength from people who have found it in writing?  i don't think it's a bad thing at all.  these quotes, sayings, understanding provide me with a new perspective and allow me to live my life a little bit better.  i don't care tha other people think it's annoying or stupid--i've got a whole book of quotes that in times of trial i turn to.  and it helps.  it's an outlet.

my green eyes.
i love my green eyes.  love them.  thanks, dad! 

dancing it out.
when in doubt, turn up pandora radio on the mika station and dance it out.  i'm sure i look like i have no rhythm or i might look like a monkey (i do my best not to look in the mirror when this is all taking place), but try it.  did you have a crappy day at work?  school?  make a crappy choice?  try mika.  strip down to your underwear and let it all go.

my ability to look at the mistakes i've made and (kind of ) laugh.
have you ever done some, looked back, and said "oh shit, i should NOT have gone down that road."  happened to me today.  that pit in my stomach, the why oh why, the instant remorse...what am i going to do now?  nothing.  it happened, i got some sense of satisfaction (not much) but some at the time, and though now i know that it was a complete and utter mistake, i know better for next time.  so, HA.  there it is. 

my exquisite taste in friends.
believe me, there are people that you aren't going to care to have in your life.  getting them out ASAP is a choice that sometimes has to be made.  and sometimes, you might even want to punch your own friends in the face.  in reality, though, you love them and their witty comments and silly opinions (that you think are silly) really might help you out in some way.  i have some of the best girlfriends in the world.  whether or not they always say the right thing, well, whatever.  i'm sure i don't pick the most opportune moment to say some stuff sometimes.  cutting a little slack sometimes is something that i'm working on.  these girls, they are my life.  without them, our late night or early morning bitch sessions, wine nights, or 2 hour long phone calls giggling about another doofus...these hold me together.

learning.
i am not a book smart person.  believe me.  it almost makes me laugh to think about how much i don't know about things that other people are so well informed about.  i, well, i am not one of those people.  however, i tell you what, i am always learning about myself, my life, and what i want to be.  i wouldn't consider this to be narcissism, i find it easy to relate to people and empathsize with them.  but, i am a great learner.  probably because i make so many mistakes. 

so.  there are a few things that i love about myself.  enough bitching for awhile.  here's to embracing it all.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

"The Power of Intention"
By:  Brian Johnson and Wayne Dyer

Act "As If"

"Who do you want to be?  How do you want to live?  What's your ideal?  Do you want to be in terrific physical shape?  Happy?  Enlighted?  'Act as if everything you desire is already here,' advises Dyer.  'Treat yourself as if you already are what you'd like to become.'  In other words, whatever your ideal picture is, picture that image.  Then, on a moment-to-moment basis, act 'as if' you are already that person.  What would the happy, enlightened being you imagine (and are) do in this moment of tension?  Perhaps breathe in, breathe out, gain perspective and maintain equanimity?  How about that perfectly healthy person you imagine?  What would he or she eat?  How often would he or she exercise?  Perfect.  That's what you do now.  Act 'as if', and sooner than you think, you won't be acting anymore." 

Be Your Best Self

" 'True nobility,' Dyer writes, 'isn't about being better than someone else.  It's about being better than you used to be.'  This reminds me of Faulkner's wisdom:  'Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  Try to be better than yourself.'  Don't compete.  Come from your soual and create.  Be you.  Be the best you imaginable." 


i'm just in love with magazine articles right now.  i commonly get the question "where do you get all of these quotes?"  posted on my facebook statuses and from common company. 

i've decided that if i am going to turn around, slowly accepting my misery and relearning the art of being me, i better do some research to figure out exactly who i want to be and the route that i choose to get there.  ironically, i know that i am never going to get there, and when i do, i know it will be the day that i am going to meet my maker.  however, learning along the way can't hurt, can it? 

i've been feeling semi content this last couple of days.  by my own admission of misery, i have started to embrace the small things that i have in my life.  instead of looking at it as one miserable big picture, i have focused on the exact things that make me that way, what i can do to change them, and if they are beyond my control, focusing on letting them go.

in response to the "act as if" article, i found it intriguing that a self help writer would tell you that you should act some particular way, as if acting is going to make you happy.  "fake it 'til you make it", so to speak.  i can't tell you how many times i have put on my fake smile and talked to someone who is actually interested in my life--saying "oh yeah, i'm great, life is great.  i'm exactly where i want to be."  lies, lies, lies.  when did it become okay for us to start ball face lying to those we care about?  hmmm...

then again, i find the sections about "acting as if" about health and exercise helpful.  i've found that i have gluten intolerance and have been struggling with eating lately.  how am i supposed to eat all of those "college kid" foods (macoroni, ramen noodles, and hungover morning trips to mcdonalds) while excluding gluten?  at first, i was on it.  absolutley on top of it.  i watched what i ate and felt so much better not having to spend 2 hours a day in the bathroom.  (too much information?  probably).  but, then vespers and finals came around, along with a string of holiday celebrations and i fell off the band wagon, which sent me right back to the bathroom. 

if i can act as if i have gluten intolerance, how would i eat?  at this stage, it's difficult to afford a lot of those gluten free foods that people suggest to me.  so, i eat a hell of a lot of campbells soup.  i haven't gotten sick of it yet, and with winter in full force, a big bowl of hot soup is delicious.  until i can afford some of the more expensive end items, campbells it is.  (and still, it is "mmm, mmm, good!)

as for acting happy...i can do it in certain situations.  but let me tell you, it is exhausting telling people how happy i am when all i really want to do is pull my hair out and tell them how sucky life seems to be right now.  how hard it is to juggle the present and future, while still thinking about the next work or homework assignment i have, or when i have to go sit through a 4 hour lecture about weather on friday night.  (this is by my own faults...i didn't pass the first time).  but still...is putting on a face and acting as if i am perfectly content the way to be?  i'll let you know. 

i have a problem with comparing myself to others and how happy, established, content in their lives they are.  jealousy sets in on a college graduate who is in a cute apartment and seems to have everything in order.  however, everyone is fighting their own battles...and everybody has obstacles.  therefore, the section "be your best self" was helpful to get my mind out of that, "oh so and so is this way, so that's the way i should be, too." 

it's okay for me to be where i am at this particular juncture.  i would be worried if i was perfectly happy with being a college student and never wanted to graduate--eesh.  i couldn't continue this lifestyle for very much longer.  the late nights, early mornings, and never ending pages in an appointment book would surely drive me insane. 

the only person i need to be competing with is me.  nobody else.  where i am, what i choose to do, how i choose to live my life.  that's me.  nobody else.  and with my tool belt heavily weighted down with mistakes, bad decisions, and all of those little things that i should have said or done...i can figure it out. 

the article ends like this:

"Good morning, this is God.  I will be handling all of your problems today.  I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day."

how appropriate.

fight the good fight,
+kaia

i've been thinking lately that blogging is something that isn't actually writing--or, that it is taking something that is supposed to be selfless and making it selfish.  then, i read an article in "the atlantic" magazine about blogging.  andrew sullivan said "in some ways, blogging's gifts to our discourse make the skills of a good traditional writer much more valueable, not less.  the torrent of blogospheric insights, ideas, and arguments places a a greater premium on the person who can fully make sense of it all."

i wouldn't say that i make sense of it all.  but, i'm trying, right?

he goes on to say:

"blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics:  more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive.  blogging is writing out loud."

and lastly:

"you have to express yourself now, while your emotions roil, while your temper flares, while your humor lasts.  you can't have blogger's block."

and so, i continue. 

fight the good fight,
+kaia

this post will remain untitled. 

sometimes i wonder how tired people (if any one actually reads this) get of my droning on and complaining.  somehow, i end up with optimism in my tone at the end of each and every post, excluding one, in which there was literal steam coming out of my ears and i was at a very bad place.  ugly, if you will.

tonight, i can't say what it is that is on my heart.  i started out the new year well--surrounded by friends and those who were close to me.  i had a good holiday--i enjoyed eating good food and being amidst family members who i don't normally see.  however, this year, i can't help but feel incredibly empty as the new year begins.

at this point, it isn't being without a mate.  it isn't being without someone to cuddle with, listen to music with, laugh with, etc.  i'm actually figuring out that i kind of walk to the beat of my own drum...(shocking, isn't it?)  but i do so in such a way that at this point it would be awfully hard for me to be with someone who wasn't willing to do a lot of compromising.  i am the mother of a beautiful puppy dog who i could afford to take some love lessons from, and i stay up late and do things at my own pace.  i listen to norah jones incessantly, and a cook a lot of food that most people say looks like vomit.  so at this point, i don't feel empty because i'm without that "someone" in my life.

something has to change.  i don't know what it is exactly--what i want so badly in my life that i don't have or how i will work to get it.  i've thought that this impending semester might be a great time to make some of those changes, but in reality--this isn't the time to dye my hair brown or do something drastic with my daily makeup routine.  this is a time to close the books, finish this chapter of my life and do it in a honorable and complete way.  this is no right or wrong way to do this--which i am finding on daily basis. 

i'm wondering--maybe i just have to be miserable for these next couple of months so that i can get into a lifestyle that i choose, with the people that i choose...or completely start over?  maybe i have to go through this depressed mode and allow loneliness and depression to hang out in my room each and every night to get where i want to be.  i don't ever allow myself to be depressed--i always feel like i should be picking myself up because there are so many things to be happy about. 

i wanted to share an article from a magazine i just finished reading.  i thought this was especially interesting beacuse the author touched on her college days and the emotional rollercoaster she herself seemed to be on:

The Psychology of Happiness
By:  Meg Wolitzer

"For years--a period that stretched from high school through college and then deep into the murk of my 20s--my friends and I were intensely aware of all our feeling-states and desires, whether good or bad. Several of us went to the same therapist, whose name was Martha, and her office had a cocktail party-with a turnstile quality to it.  'Oh hey, how are you, Meg?' someone might say on her way out.  'Great shoes.'  Personal happiness was something we deliberately strove for, often in the form of men, women, a first big professional success, or a cheap walk-up apartment, though of course we were often beset by dramatic sorrow (cue Martha).  This period of flux went on for a long time.  Life was peppered with love and excitement and tears, and my friends and I had learned to be human barometers for our own happiness.  But then time sped forward, and while the actual catalysts for happiness continued to change, a strange thing happened:  Happiness seemed less relevant as a goal, and things seemed less awful when it didn't appear.  And now the truth is that at this particular moment in my life, I no longer think in terms of 'happy' and 'unhappy', the way I did when I was in third grade, or as a young woman in my own era's version of a paisley minidress.  It's not only that I've aged, but the world has, too.  At this point, being happy is about having the space to appreciate the ordinary things that do in fact make me 'happy,' thought at first glance they might not be see that way.  An absences of chaos; an absence of phone calls with disturbing news; an absence of business emails that upend your day and demand attention right then and there; no acutely ill parents; no fragile children calling shakily from college.  Being able to sit down with a glass of wine and some really good, tiny little olives; having a nice meal that's not rushed or fraught.  These seem like small things, perhaps like pedestrian things, but I protect them fiercely, knowing that on the other side of an imaginary wall waits the possibility that all of them will soon be gone, and that something terrible will replace them.  But I no longer quake in fear.  I used to think that happiness was something a person was so lucky to find that, like Lord Voldemort (a.k.a He Who Must Not Be Named), it should never actually be mentioned.  Now, with happiness taking on a new, modest cast, the fear of losing it is smaller, too."

i so wish i could write like this woman.  she puts it so nicely--not in a cookie cutter "you could be happy" snow patrol version.  but really, dissecting things that bring her happiness.  yes, i am miserable.  i admit it.  no more hiding behind optimisim and glass half full bullshit.  i am struggling.  but tonight, i enjoyed a glass of wine and a few great magazine articles with my puppy snoring at my feet.  i lit some candles, played my favorite norah jones songs, and had a little snippet of happiness in the midst of the misery. 

i'm in a transition period of my life--i begin student teaching in march which is a wakeup call within itself.  in the next couple of months, i have to decide what kind of job i want to get, where i want to live, and who i am going to continue to share my life with.  i'm at some sort of crossroads, and it definitely isn't easy.  on top of that, i have wonderful group of girlfriends who all have boyfriends, husbands, or some kind of love in their life.  where do i fit in?

i guess i'm going to keep finding those snippets and remain untitled for awhile.

fight the good fight,
+kaia