two hours at target.

when i get stressed out, i go to target.

what a bad habit! i go and walk around aimlessly, thinking of all the wonderful things i could buy myself, while still realizing that i have no money to be spending on 48 candles, or plants, or little knick knacks for my room. nor do i have the money for new clothes, an air freshener, or a bottle of nail polish.

but you know what i did buy at target yesterday? i bought myself a bouquet of flowers. i've just never understood why women have to wait around for a significant other to buy them flowers. it doesn't make any sense. do women who are alone deserve to have no beauty of fragrance in their life? pppssshhh, nope.

granted, i bought the cheapest flowers on the rack, they probably will die in 2 days and are more likely weeds than they are flowers. but in my mind, even dandelions have their beauty until they wilt.

after i went to target, i went home, sat on my floor, and budgeted for myself. i have a couple of significant bills to pay off before summer's end and, surprise! i figured out how i am going to do it. all by myself. if i plan it right, i will even be able to buy myself that plant i've been eyeing or a new bottle of hot pink nail polish!

budgeting makes me feel like such a little grown up. figuring out what i can afford, what i can do, and when i can do it is kind of empowering. you can't argue with the numbers on paper. my parents always say "you must live within your means!" the stress that i sometimes feel because i have no money or am running low is unnecessary. i shouldn't have to be so stressed that i can't sleep over something that i can control.

that's a common theme within my life. everything that i get stressed out about or have such terrible anxiety over i have control. most of the time i don't understand my anxiety, but lately, i have figured out that if i can get to the root of it, and find the source of what is going on, i can overcome it. there are, of course, those things in my life that i have absolutely no control over, but when those come along, i can counter them with prayer, meditation, or other modes of management.

whoa, do i sound like my mother or what?

i'm more independent and do better by myself than i give myself credit for. of course, there are those days when i feel super shitty about being alone or i get in mental fights with myself about the way that i budget or the things i choose to do. but, you know what? i'm learning. every day, i get up, whether i have the mathsen scowl on my face or am smiling, i have the courage to just get out of bed. i don't think that simple act is recognized enough.

"Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”

fight the good fight,
+kaia

independent woman?

so lately i've been struggling with being a single woman in a world that seems like everyone is "attached". it's so annoying! you can't go anywhere without seeing the "kissy" face or see couples doing coupl"y" things. i've been so irritated with it. i don't have one friend that is single, one friend that i can call up and say, "let's just go out and do the single thing". and that is so irritating to me.

is it my friend's fault that they have found guys that care for them and that they mesh really well with? no. so why do i get irritated? no idea. but i've found lately that it's the fear of being alone and dealing with that loneliness that fires my irritation. i am so damn lonesome. i come home from work and go to my room to either nap or open a book. then, i eat some dinner and putz around until it's time to go to bed. i don't have anyone to help me budget, or to go on a walk with, or to even just dissect my day when i get a little crazy.

but you know what? that's fine. i'm learning to how to "self talk", and how to budget, as well as how to cook on my own. (that part is coming a lot slower than the rest of it). i go to bed alone every night, say my prayers, and say good night to no one. i do a lot of things by myself. and i'm actually getting kind of good at it. i get to do things on my own terms, do my own thing, be my own person. if i want to, i can recreate myself every damn day. i answer to me and to my God at the end of the day. (thanks God, for dealing with the little streak of sass, crazy, and psycho i have in me).


my best friend (now married) made a good point in a recent conversation we had. she said that she took so many of those "single" life things for granted. shopping until 9 PM, staying up late and going to the bar with friends, traveling, everything you don't think of when you're single but you miss when you're attached.

the other thing is, i'm 21 years old. what's the friggin' rush? why would i not want to spend my 20's doing the things that i appreciate, living the life that i choose, and figuring out who exactly this person named kaia mathsen is? believe me, i'm working on it.

i live a pretty kickass life. i have a super supportive family, a great job, and a future that is as bright as the sunshine. do i have issues? yes. but there is no reason i should be lonesome when i've got such wonderful things going for me. i go to bed giving thanks to God for the numerous blessings he has put in my life every night, and everyday i am reminded a little bit more of those blessings. i have the choice to put a fat smile on my face every morning, or give in to the loneliness and fear that i have.

do i love being single and independent every day? hell no. some days i wish someone would just take over my life for me. but you know what? i would rather learn all of this now and figure things out for myself than really regret my choices later in life.

am i going to be single, independent, and fabulous? hell yes.

fight the good fight,

kaia

The Music Man - Trouble... right here in River City!

Letting Go

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"
— Mary Manin Morrissey

i'm sitting in houston drinking a glass of red wine, among great company, smiling, laughing, feeling really good about life and looking forward to going back to st. paul and getting life back in order before school starts.

after a whirlwind weekend, ten thousand emotions, and a little frustration and angst along the way, i'm ready to let it all go, release it all and let go of the pain of this trip. it has been painful...returning to a place that i thought would remain unchanged and realizing that it does go on. people change, ideas change, and the perception of who i am or who i was changes as well. i was so sad about it, so distraught at the fact that this place in my memory no longer exists as a place of escape for me.

but, instead of harboring those emotions and dwelling on the pain that i have encountered in the days since i left minnesota, i'm going to look forward. someone once told me "look at life through the windshield, not the rear view mirror" and as the quote above states, i'm going to let go. i waste so much energy each and every day on holding on to this that simply do not matter. we hold onto these things, comments that were made, things that were done, as if they hold value you. and you know what? the pain that holds us back have no value. none. the only thing this pain and these negative emotions are doing for me is making me feel worse about a life that is actually pretty great.

this place will remain a blessing, a beautiful place in my memory. i danced, i sang, i laughed, and boy did i have a blast. the pain that i encountered there now doesn't exist. it's gone. that anchor has been pulled up, i'm looking forward.

i'm looking forward to my last year of college, delving into everything that is augsburg. i'm looking forward to a new year, a fresh start. new friends, new ideas, the prospect of new jobs. i'm looking forward to getting my own place, a new dog. i'm looking forward to a winter, to christmas, to fire, new books, time with my family. i'm looking forward to laughing and learning and most of all, loving.

will i wish the present away? no. i want to look forward, but also enjoy today. today is what we have. tomorrow is uncertain. so, while i can wish and plan and hope, today is what i have. so, for today, i'm letting go of the pain, the anxiety, the sadness that i've recently felt. i'm done. i'm over it. i'm letting it go.

what are you going to let go of today?

fight the good fight,

+kaia

transatlanticism

i found what i was looking for.

family vacation 2010? well, okay. . .

it's so funny how each and every time something good happens to me, i dreaded it before it actually happened.

take my trip to china for instance. i was dreading that trip. the flight, the food, the sleeping quarters, everything. and look what i got.

i'd say that it was. . .the trip of a lifetime.

my family hasn't gone on a vacation all together since i was 15, so needless to say i was pretty nervous about our closeknit time together in colorado/new mexico. i threw my best friend a surprise party the night before our departure, ended up sleeping too late, and was worried that i was going to wreak havoc on an otherwise relaxing vacation for the rest of my family.

however, i arrived to the airport to two happy, smiling, excited parents ready to start this adventure with me. (even though, as usual, i wasn't punctual.) they were anxious to hear about the surprise party, what was going on in my life, and what my plans were post-vacation. what great parents i have. when arrived at our destination and met my independent, kickass sister who greeted us with open arms, ready to show us the ins and outs of her digs.

i always find myself a bit envious of my sister. she always seems to have her shit figured out and in order. she's quite headstrong--in the most positive way, and recently, i've been seeing myself in some of the things that she's taught me. (makes sense, right? after all, we are plagued with that mathsen scowl, together, why not share some other traits?) anyway, after showing us around and doing a little driving around downtown denver, we headed to kiri's place for an evening of wine, beer, and some tasty food. my parents and i could hardly keep our eyes open--a long day of traveling was behind us and a new day of traveling was ahead of us. so, we retreated to our downtown hotel, set our alarms, and headed to bed, eagerly anticipating our arrival in red river, new mexico, the following day.

let me tell you, i am a minnesota girl. totally. born, bred, and love it. new mexico has it's beauty, oh yes it does, but i am a minnesota girl. that being said, being in the mountains gives me that familar feeling of being so minute, so small, and so blessed. i've been saying over and over again since i got back from china, "i want that feeling back", "i want to feel that again". well folks, there you have it. it's back! the song that my heart was singing in china, that i thought had gone missing has been here all along. and i still remember all of the words to my heart's song!

i am thrilled about where i am in this life. absolutely thrilled. i have had those moments, well, actually lately i have been drowning in those moments where i feel like i am suffocating; i can't get enough air because i'm suffocating in these silly problems that are just that in reality. silly.

i have been surrounded by such beautiful people lately. these people lift me up and make me feel good about who i am and what i'm doing. i feel better than i have in ages. i feel so full of life--independent and free, and absolutely okay with that. there is nobody out there who can take better care of me than myself. and while that might change when i meet mr. right or whoever the hell he is (if he's out there, even) i'm just fine taking care of me. i answer to myself, i tuck myself in, i do my own thing. and i love it. absolutely. i am taking full advantage of it.

so thank god for those things that i don't ask for but receive. prayers are answered in such funny ways sometimes. i prayed to feel whole again, i prayed for so many things. . .and even though i got them in an inadvertant way: here they are.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

so lately i've been working on my attitude.

how's it going, you ask? well, depending on the day, terribly. i still wake up tired, agitated, and most mornings, with a sense of "how the hell am i going to stay awake today?" much like that of any actress that has fallen into a mundane, boring life.

i'm 21. i'm not 40, not at the point where those actresses are, with children a mortgage, and a full time job. i have none of those things. i'm not even 35, so how am i coming to this point so early? the daily grind is just that, a grind. i come home from work so tired, get into bed with a book after dinner, and fall asleep. at six PM. unbelievable! i'm turning into my mother. (no offense, mom, you know i love you). when did life start to become a chore for me?

but then i got to thinking, i'm making the choice to allow myself to think of life as a chore. everything that we do is a choice. what we wear, where we go, who we associated ourselves with is a choice. and damn it, i have made some shitty choices. but, they all have gotten me to where i am, good and bad. there are those that are my best accomplishments, and there are those choices which i think are best left as a secret in the back of my mind. but every day, i make the concious choice to get out of bed as a wild haired crab ass. nobody does or says anything to me to make me crabby, i'm just a generally crabby person.

wait. did i just say that? i know i'm cursed with the "mathsen scowl" i can feel it on my face even during my happiest of moments. i've seen candid photos of myself and think "shit, kaia!" what on earth was i doing? so, i sit in my office and practice. picture me. training to rid myself of the scowl that has plagued my face for the majority of my life thus far. hilarious.

i'm not a general crabby person. i'm the kind of person who laughs at everything in order to soften the blow. whether it's a bad grade, a parking ticket, a pimple, whatever, i find a way to use sarcasm as a mask to avoid the pain of what is going on. i'm a really good avoider. denial should probably be my middle name. i don't proudly wear that, either. it's just fact.

i need to start being honest with myself about the things that are going on. brutally honest. this might help me deal with the anxiety and stress that i feel to face the music and deal with my life head on. there anxiety that i feel is my choice. i choose to leave projects until the last minute, i choose to make reckless decisions, i choose to be crabby.

so you know what, today, i'm going to be happy, giddy, and fabulous, damn it. how's that for a choice?

fight the good fight,

+kaia