transatlanticism

i found what i was looking for.

family vacation 2010? well, okay. . .

it's so funny how each and every time something good happens to me, i dreaded it before it actually happened.

take my trip to china for instance. i was dreading that trip. the flight, the food, the sleeping quarters, everything. and look what i got.

i'd say that it was. . .the trip of a lifetime.

my family hasn't gone on a vacation all together since i was 15, so needless to say i was pretty nervous about our closeknit time together in colorado/new mexico. i threw my best friend a surprise party the night before our departure, ended up sleeping too late, and was worried that i was going to wreak havoc on an otherwise relaxing vacation for the rest of my family.

however, i arrived to the airport to two happy, smiling, excited parents ready to start this adventure with me. (even though, as usual, i wasn't punctual.) they were anxious to hear about the surprise party, what was going on in my life, and what my plans were post-vacation. what great parents i have. when arrived at our destination and met my independent, kickass sister who greeted us with open arms, ready to show us the ins and outs of her digs.

i always find myself a bit envious of my sister. she always seems to have her shit figured out and in order. she's quite headstrong--in the most positive way, and recently, i've been seeing myself in some of the things that she's taught me. (makes sense, right? after all, we are plagued with that mathsen scowl, together, why not share some other traits?) anyway, after showing us around and doing a little driving around downtown denver, we headed to kiri's place for an evening of wine, beer, and some tasty food. my parents and i could hardly keep our eyes open--a long day of traveling was behind us and a new day of traveling was ahead of us. so, we retreated to our downtown hotel, set our alarms, and headed to bed, eagerly anticipating our arrival in red river, new mexico, the following day.

let me tell you, i am a minnesota girl. totally. born, bred, and love it. new mexico has it's beauty, oh yes it does, but i am a minnesota girl. that being said, being in the mountains gives me that familar feeling of being so minute, so small, and so blessed. i've been saying over and over again since i got back from china, "i want that feeling back", "i want to feel that again". well folks, there you have it. it's back! the song that my heart was singing in china, that i thought had gone missing has been here all along. and i still remember all of the words to my heart's song!

i am thrilled about where i am in this life. absolutely thrilled. i have had those moments, well, actually lately i have been drowning in those moments where i feel like i am suffocating; i can't get enough air because i'm suffocating in these silly problems that are just that in reality. silly.

i have been surrounded by such beautiful people lately. these people lift me up and make me feel good about who i am and what i'm doing. i feel better than i have in ages. i feel so full of life--independent and free, and absolutely okay with that. there is nobody out there who can take better care of me than myself. and while that might change when i meet mr. right or whoever the hell he is (if he's out there, even) i'm just fine taking care of me. i answer to myself, i tuck myself in, i do my own thing. and i love it. absolutely. i am taking full advantage of it.

so thank god for those things that i don't ask for but receive. prayers are answered in such funny ways sometimes. i prayed to feel whole again, i prayed for so many things. . .and even though i got them in an inadvertant way: here they are.

fight the good fight,

+kaia

so lately i've been working on my attitude.

how's it going, you ask? well, depending on the day, terribly. i still wake up tired, agitated, and most mornings, with a sense of "how the hell am i going to stay awake today?" much like that of any actress that has fallen into a mundane, boring life.

i'm 21. i'm not 40, not at the point where those actresses are, with children a mortgage, and a full time job. i have none of those things. i'm not even 35, so how am i coming to this point so early? the daily grind is just that, a grind. i come home from work so tired, get into bed with a book after dinner, and fall asleep. at six PM. unbelievable! i'm turning into my mother. (no offense, mom, you know i love you). when did life start to become a chore for me?

but then i got to thinking, i'm making the choice to allow myself to think of life as a chore. everything that we do is a choice. what we wear, where we go, who we associated ourselves with is a choice. and damn it, i have made some shitty choices. but, they all have gotten me to where i am, good and bad. there are those that are my best accomplishments, and there are those choices which i think are best left as a secret in the back of my mind. but every day, i make the concious choice to get out of bed as a wild haired crab ass. nobody does or says anything to me to make me crabby, i'm just a generally crabby person.

wait. did i just say that? i know i'm cursed with the "mathsen scowl" i can feel it on my face even during my happiest of moments. i've seen candid photos of myself and think "shit, kaia!" what on earth was i doing? so, i sit in my office and practice. picture me. training to rid myself of the scowl that has plagued my face for the majority of my life thus far. hilarious.

i'm not a general crabby person. i'm the kind of person who laughs at everything in order to soften the blow. whether it's a bad grade, a parking ticket, a pimple, whatever, i find a way to use sarcasm as a mask to avoid the pain of what is going on. i'm a really good avoider. denial should probably be my middle name. i don't proudly wear that, either. it's just fact.

i need to start being honest with myself about the things that are going on. brutally honest. this might help me deal with the anxiety and stress that i feel to face the music and deal with my life head on. there anxiety that i feel is my choice. i choose to leave projects until the last minute, i choose to make reckless decisions, i choose to be crabby.

so you know what, today, i'm going to be happy, giddy, and fabulous, damn it. how's that for a choice?

fight the good fight,

+kaia

laughter really is the best medicine.

i got to talk to my best friend last night for a whole hour. she and her husband just bought a house. how jealous am i? i am so thrilled for them! i even get a room there whenever i choose to visit and/or move back to albuquerque :)

we got to talking about how things used to be. you know, those awkward ages where nothing seems to work and your hair is growing, your period comes, and everything sucks. we had such a good laugh talking about all of the silly things we used to do. "you stole so and so from me" "your ass was so big" "i can't believe you were more popular than me" are some of those memorable quotes from our kick ass conversation.

i started thinking, why don't we laugh more? i have been in this negativity rut for some time now. normally, i can laugh things off. but for awhile i got so caught up in everything that was going on, i forgot to laugh. it felt so, so, so, so, so, great to laugh last night. we talked until 1 AM and i felt like were 13 again, giggling before bedtime, her mom telling us to be quiet from upstairs. it was so silly and simple, yet it put me back right where i belong.

in the midst of my finals, school finally coming to a close, and all the stress that seems to be piling up as high as an elephant in this brain of mine, i can't believe i lost sight of laughter.

i've been searching for the feeling that i had in china, and have found, quite frankly, that here, is unattainable. that feeling of contentment, no fear, no stress, absolutely nothing holding me back and saying, "what the hell, i'm in china once!" those late nights out, those early morning wake up calls, i was totally cool with it. . .when we were in china. i'm sure i got irritated and crabby (my choirmates will probably be happy to tell you about those times) but i'm pretty sure that it lasted merely 20 minutes at the most.

how do i find that here? by making those 1 AM phone calls, being crazy tired at work the next day because i was having a really great conversation, and saying, "what the hell, i only live once". those are the things that make my life. those are the things that keep me going. no matter how tired i am, no matter how irritated i am, there is always that attainable laughter. it's nice to know it's just a phone call away :)

amanda, i love you more than words can say. you are my best friend and i cherish you. thank you for setting me straight and getting me back to where i need to be. guess this means i need to think about moving back to albuquerque. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

and we'll all float on, okay :)

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way.

i was in the car the other day after a really horrible week. i was playing the cd game (playing cd's that i made when i was in high school, or younger) and modest mouse's "float on" came on my beautiful car stereo. if you know me, you know that i'm a sucker for song lyrics, good magazine articles, and quotes. i just love them. i feel empowered after i read some of them, some of them solely serve the purpose to make me recognize how silly i'm being. life isn't all bad. my favorite line of this song "bad news come, don't you worry even when it lands. good news will work it's way to all them plans. . .good news is on the way."

i miss the time in my life where i was the carefree girl, dancing in front of the picture window to "joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat" soundtrack and being the little diva that i perceived myself to be. where did loving child go?

i was joking with a girlfriend last night during our class--augsburg's special education department is really big on making us soon to be teachers reflect. i'm not kidding you, i'm really good at reflecting. it has moved from my professional life into my private life, so much so that i am reflecting on each and every event that happens. i'm realizing and becoming more cognizant of so many things. i was starting to get irritated with myself--it's kind of annoying going back and analyzing so many parts of your life. but there is so much more to be said about it--it forces me to recognize the many blessings and parts of my life that i've taken for granted. that child that i used to be. . .she's in there somewhere. i'm still the same person, i look at pictures of myself (proudly displayed in my room to keep me grounded...me, in a swimsuit, wearing goggles. yikes!) and realize that she's me. that playful girl whose life was put to a soundtrack (that i made) every day.

a family friend died a couple of weeks ago. a WWII vet, a great man, 92 years old, an amazing friend and mentor to me. i was really upset about his death and was grieving opening with my dad shortly after we found out about it. my dad made a comment that i will keep with me forever. . ."sing your way through this". now, i am all about choral music, so can you guess what i did? i got in my car to drive back up to the city, turned on "great hymns of faith" volume one, and i wailed. i sang so hard my lungs were on fire. as i was doing so, i felt like that little girl again. the little girl who sang herself through pain and sorrow, joy and exhilaration. the girl who threw her head back and laughed when something was funny. the little girl with no inhibitions--dancing underneath the oak trees and our family home in blooming prairie, not minding if anyone saw her or thought of her and her crazy self.

so now, i begin my quest. to find that little girl inside of me, wherever she is. i know she's there somewhere. little pieces of her come out on a daily basis--whether it's in an inappropriate comment i make about poop, or me getting yelled at from other cars to turn down "joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat" (that actually happened).

so here i am. searching again. searching for that little singer, that little inhibited curly girl.

we'll all float on, okay :) here goes nothing. . .

fight the good fight,
+kaia

the work force

this is what i did at work today.


i love my job :)

oh life.

isn't it funny how your life seems to be going down the tubes and all of the sudden something happens that restores your faith?

i knew it would happen, eventually. i just didn't think it would be today. i woke up today and was a little irritated because it is still raining. drove to work, started the daily grind. but something felt different for me today. i don't know what it is -- excitement, joy, happiness? something is different. and i love it.

i've realized so much within these last couple of days the power of friendship. whether it's running into an old friend from home, spending an afternoon with a roommate, or watching the nanny with a good pal, friendship is irreplaceable. it's so great to have positive, caring people around you to uplift your spirits and carry you when you're stumbling along. i have such wonderful friends and people around me. though i lose sight of that sometimes and complain . . . i'm richly blessed.

i am also richly blessed with such incredible parents. i went home this weekend to hang out with my mama since my dad is out of town--i had such great conversations with her. i got to talk to my dad a lot before he left too, so that was really fun. i wish everyone could have parents like mine. they are my best friends. so full of wisdom and compassion. how did i get so lucky?!

my heart does hurt a bit, though. i gave my puppy, izzy to some friends this weekend to keep. it just wasn't working out at my place. i miss her so much, but am so glad that i will be able to see her still. thank you, kayla and kari for taking such good care of her :) there is a sweet little boy, jackson, who gets to play with her and raise her now. she's in a good place.

my best friend is coming in today from texas! i'm so excited to see her and have dinner with her and her mom. she'll be here for a whole month. what a relief!

speaking of friends, one just popped into my office. time to go chat :)

fight the good fight,

+kaia