trying something new. bear with me. go ahead and read the premise for the book "1,000 gifts". i'm starting today. i'm sure i can think about more than 1,000 things to be thankful for. this blog is just a reminder. so for today.
1. sharing a bottle (or bottles) of wine with a best friend
2. sunshine
3. summer weather
4. advice on life from coworkers
5. the promise of a family filled weekend
6. answering really silly questions on the phone
7. making "to do lists" for my new classroom
8. getting nostalgic from attending an 8th grade graduation
9. honesty and open communication
10. one excited puppy dog after a long day of work
11. Bible verses that remind and guide
12. hungarian friends
13. purple toenails
14. the smell of campfires
15. realizing that someone really loves you
fifteen for today. more tomorrow.
"when you pass through the waters, I will be with you. and the waves, they will not overcome you. do not fear, for I have redeemed you. i have called you by name, you are MINE. for I am the Lord your God. I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I am the Lord. Do not fear!"
going to bed without any fear and in the praise and promise.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
i got a job.
can you believe it? i'm a real adult. i'm a real teacher. i feel like a real person.
the days after i got the phone call offering me the position, i was absolutely elated. i was doing the happy dance, running around my house singing and dancing recklessly, enjoying my life, drinking good wine, laughing...etc. enjoying. finally. enjoying.
as quickly as this elation came, it faded. i have become numb again. i have become complacent and depression and loneliness have once again come to hang out on both of my shoulders. no idea why this happens--especially when there are so many things in this life to be grateful for. i look for the negative--wait for shitty things to happen--and refuse to let myself be happy with the current situation in my life.
i recently read this in a blog i keep up on:
"Have you ever bought a car because you thought 'Nobody has THIS car!' and then as soon as you get it you see EVERYBODY has that car? You see what you want to see. If you want to see the ugliness, you'll find it. If you want to see the beauty, you can find that instead."
believe me--you see what you want to see. for the past couple of weeks, i have been seeing nothing but ugly. nothing but the negative. i have that common norwegian gene--expect the worst, hope for the best--and i don't know why i have that mentality. like, why do we wait for crappy things to happen? why can't we revel in the fact that people love us, or that we got the job we wanted, or that we finally have what we've been looking for? why can't we be happy with the way we're evolving or through the things we are learning about ourselves?
when i say that i deserve good things, i mean it. i deserve a good job, a college degree, a good man in my life. i deserve these things. i've worked hard for them. i have fought tooth and nail for some of them. i have exhausted myself trying to finish them. why can't i accept that i deserve them, that i have them even--and be happy?
i am going to have to make a conscious decision to see the beauty. for some reason, even though it's summertime and beautiful, and i have all of these wonderful things in my life, i still look for the negative. i don't want to do that anymore. so, today, i am going to start by being grateful for just the sun. the sun and the energy that it brings to me. there. i will see the beauty in that today instead of seeing the ugly (the fact that it is hot as hell).
positive thinking. seeing the beauty.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
can you believe it? i'm a real adult. i'm a real teacher. i feel like a real person.
the days after i got the phone call offering me the position, i was absolutely elated. i was doing the happy dance, running around my house singing and dancing recklessly, enjoying my life, drinking good wine, laughing...etc. enjoying. finally. enjoying.
as quickly as this elation came, it faded. i have become numb again. i have become complacent and depression and loneliness have once again come to hang out on both of my shoulders. no idea why this happens--especially when there are so many things in this life to be grateful for. i look for the negative--wait for shitty things to happen--and refuse to let myself be happy with the current situation in my life.
i recently read this in a blog i keep up on:
"Have you ever bought a car because you thought 'Nobody has THIS car!' and then as soon as you get it you see EVERYBODY has that car? You see what you want to see. If you want to see the ugliness, you'll find it. If you want to see the beauty, you can find that instead."
believe me--you see what you want to see. for the past couple of weeks, i have been seeing nothing but ugly. nothing but the negative. i have that common norwegian gene--expect the worst, hope for the best--and i don't know why i have that mentality. like, why do we wait for crappy things to happen? why can't we revel in the fact that people love us, or that we got the job we wanted, or that we finally have what we've been looking for? why can't we be happy with the way we're evolving or through the things we are learning about ourselves?
when i say that i deserve good things, i mean it. i deserve a good job, a college degree, a good man in my life. i deserve these things. i've worked hard for them. i have fought tooth and nail for some of them. i have exhausted myself trying to finish them. why can't i accept that i deserve them, that i have them even--and be happy?
i am going to have to make a conscious decision to see the beauty. for some reason, even though it's summertime and beautiful, and i have all of these wonderful things in my life, i still look for the negative. i don't want to do that anymore. so, today, i am going to start by being grateful for just the sun. the sun and the energy that it brings to me. there. i will see the beauty in that today instead of seeing the ugly (the fact that it is hot as hell).
positive thinking. seeing the beauty.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Monday, May 9, 2011
today was such a productive day. i worked out, wrote 3 VERY challenging lesson plans, wrote a "quantification for retelling expository texts" (don't ask, i don't even know what it is) and prepared for a week of full time teaching.
i've been teaching full time for about 2 weeks now, minus the fourth grade class. i can't tell you how much i love my students. even though i am so exhausted, i go to school every morning excited to start the week and i come home with one liners from these ridiculously hilarious kids. i lie in bed at night and wonder what they're doing, if they're cared for, and some times, i even cry for them.
here's a run down of my day, without divulging too much information for you:
kindergarten: two of the cutest children you've ever seen. one who doesn't talk much, but when she even says hi to you, your heart melts. one who asks "are we going to color pictures of spiderman today?" every day.
fourth grade: 9 of the most vivacious and energetic kids you'll ever meet. they leech onto me every time they see me in the hall way, even if it's only for a moment. they make me feel like a movie star!
third grade: math. woof. you know how i feel about teaching math. this group gets my out of my comfort zone and forces me to think out of the box. they are energetic as all get out and keep me on my toes...all the time.
sixth grade: do you remember when you were in sixth grade? well, think about the issues you had then and multiply them by 25. these girls are all so incredibly smart and have so much potential...there is just so much that tries to bring them down. i'm learning the social work aspect teaching them
first grade: i feel like i need to take a short coma after these boys leave us. adorable, funniest one liners in the world, but man, are they ever ... how do i put this? zestful?
eighth grade: the ones who know how to push my buttons. but, such a caring group of boys who really want me to have a good day every day. they can try to push my buttons, but i was in eighth grade once...i remember how it goes :)
i've had a lot of time to reflect on why i want to teach; the reasons why i am called to care about these kids and be so tired. i don't know if anyone outside of special education knows this--but it's really a culture. these kids care so much about each other and experience similar trials and mishaps within their learning. but can i just say when they master something and "get" it, the elation and pride that comes out of me is irreplaceable? teaching concepts that might seem simple to some people are so difficult for these kids. when they finally understand and that light bulb goes off in their head...i feel like i'm flying. the feeling that i get from those moments is worth all of the head banging, tired, broken days.
and believe me, there are those days. i don't think i knew exactly what i was getting into when i signed up to do this. i never anticipated the worry or tears that might come along with being a new teacher. it's like have 25 children of my own. worrying about their well being, what they're having to eat (if anything), how their home lives are...they say that as time goes on you grow calloused and nothing surprises you. i hope that i never am not surprised by things like child abuse, neglect, inattentive parents, terrible foster homes, etc. i hope that i am forever kept awake by these burning issues, and i hope that it makes me both a better person and teacher.
at this time in my life, people are constantly asking what i am going to next. grad school? moving? a job? at this time, i have absolutely no idea where i will be when september hits. none. the future is completely uncertain. while this usually makes my stomach turn, tonight i find solace in the thought of my kids. what they're going to have for supper is uncertain. if they're going to get to school the following day might be up in the air. where they might sleep. and here i am, worried about what i'm going to do in 4 months. i know i'm not going to be left high and dry and something is going to work out. but what about for those kids?
whatever i end up doing, i know it will involve being an advocate for these kids that i love and care for so much. the community that they build both together and with me is one that i will never be able to describe to you or replace. my heart is filled to the brim when i talk with these kids about what their interests are, where they see themselves in five years, or even (surprise!) when i am teaching them math. i have never been more challenged, tired, and overwhelmed in my entire life, and while i know i don't display that accurately to those i love, i have never been happier. i am more engaged in my life and my calling than i ever have been. i am learning so much about myself and this community that i live in.
i have never been exposed to an "urban" school. i suppose while we lived in albuquerque that was the closest exposure i've ever gotten. i grew up predominately in small towns surrounded by people who had similar family lives and similar backgrounds. this student teaching experience has been the most eye opening and astonishing experience ever.
there. i had to get it out. if i vocalize this, i will just sob and weep and blubber because i am so proud of myself and so proud of how far i have come in the past 8 weeks. i am so proud, not of my ability to teach, because i think i've known for a long time that i could do that. i am so proud of the relationships and care i have brought to these kids and to their lives. i don't know that on those tired and broken down days they know it, but i do my best to ensure my pride and overwhelming joy for them as much as i am able to. even on those days where i feel like i'm going to pass out while teaching about phonics.
i've even more growing to do in the next 4 weeks! i have never been more proud of the growth, learning, and loving that i am capable of. i don't think i even realized that i was capable! for so long i was looking for something, anything, to fill the void in my heart that felt empty. it's filled! and nobody did it for me. i have worked, pushed, climbed, crawled, done everything to get to where i am on my own. i haven't used anyone as a crutch on this journey. it's me. i am doing it.
i can't believe it! from the girl who thought she wasn't ever going to graduate from college, be a teacher, do something positive.
i'm doing it.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
i've been teaching full time for about 2 weeks now, minus the fourth grade class. i can't tell you how much i love my students. even though i am so exhausted, i go to school every morning excited to start the week and i come home with one liners from these ridiculously hilarious kids. i lie in bed at night and wonder what they're doing, if they're cared for, and some times, i even cry for them.
here's a run down of my day, without divulging too much information for you:
kindergarten: two of the cutest children you've ever seen. one who doesn't talk much, but when she even says hi to you, your heart melts. one who asks "are we going to color pictures of spiderman today?" every day.
fourth grade: 9 of the most vivacious and energetic kids you'll ever meet. they leech onto me every time they see me in the hall way, even if it's only for a moment. they make me feel like a movie star!
third grade: math. woof. you know how i feel about teaching math. this group gets my out of my comfort zone and forces me to think out of the box. they are energetic as all get out and keep me on my toes...all the time.
sixth grade: do you remember when you were in sixth grade? well, think about the issues you had then and multiply them by 25. these girls are all so incredibly smart and have so much potential...there is just so much that tries to bring them down. i'm learning the social work aspect teaching them
first grade: i feel like i need to take a short coma after these boys leave us. adorable, funniest one liners in the world, but man, are they ever ... how do i put this? zestful?
eighth grade: the ones who know how to push my buttons. but, such a caring group of boys who really want me to have a good day every day. they can try to push my buttons, but i was in eighth grade once...i remember how it goes :)
i've had a lot of time to reflect on why i want to teach; the reasons why i am called to care about these kids and be so tired. i don't know if anyone outside of special education knows this--but it's really a culture. these kids care so much about each other and experience similar trials and mishaps within their learning. but can i just say when they master something and "get" it, the elation and pride that comes out of me is irreplaceable? teaching concepts that might seem simple to some people are so difficult for these kids. when they finally understand and that light bulb goes off in their head...i feel like i'm flying. the feeling that i get from those moments is worth all of the head banging, tired, broken days.
and believe me, there are those days. i don't think i knew exactly what i was getting into when i signed up to do this. i never anticipated the worry or tears that might come along with being a new teacher. it's like have 25 children of my own. worrying about their well being, what they're having to eat (if anything), how their home lives are...they say that as time goes on you grow calloused and nothing surprises you. i hope that i never am not surprised by things like child abuse, neglect, inattentive parents, terrible foster homes, etc. i hope that i am forever kept awake by these burning issues, and i hope that it makes me both a better person and teacher.
at this time in my life, people are constantly asking what i am going to next. grad school? moving? a job? at this time, i have absolutely no idea where i will be when september hits. none. the future is completely uncertain. while this usually makes my stomach turn, tonight i find solace in the thought of my kids. what they're going to have for supper is uncertain. if they're going to get to school the following day might be up in the air. where they might sleep. and here i am, worried about what i'm going to do in 4 months. i know i'm not going to be left high and dry and something is going to work out. but what about for those kids?
whatever i end up doing, i know it will involve being an advocate for these kids that i love and care for so much. the community that they build both together and with me is one that i will never be able to describe to you or replace. my heart is filled to the brim when i talk with these kids about what their interests are, where they see themselves in five years, or even (surprise!) when i am teaching them math. i have never been more challenged, tired, and overwhelmed in my entire life, and while i know i don't display that accurately to those i love, i have never been happier. i am more engaged in my life and my calling than i ever have been. i am learning so much about myself and this community that i live in.
i have never been exposed to an "urban" school. i suppose while we lived in albuquerque that was the closest exposure i've ever gotten. i grew up predominately in small towns surrounded by people who had similar family lives and similar backgrounds. this student teaching experience has been the most eye opening and astonishing experience ever.
there. i had to get it out. if i vocalize this, i will just sob and weep and blubber because i am so proud of myself and so proud of how far i have come in the past 8 weeks. i am so proud, not of my ability to teach, because i think i've known for a long time that i could do that. i am so proud of the relationships and care i have brought to these kids and to their lives. i don't know that on those tired and broken down days they know it, but i do my best to ensure my pride and overwhelming joy for them as much as i am able to. even on those days where i feel like i'm going to pass out while teaching about phonics.
i've even more growing to do in the next 4 weeks! i have never been more proud of the growth, learning, and loving that i am capable of. i don't think i even realized that i was capable! for so long i was looking for something, anything, to fill the void in my heart that felt empty. it's filled! and nobody did it for me. i have worked, pushed, climbed, crawled, done everything to get to where i am on my own. i haven't used anyone as a crutch on this journey. it's me. i am doing it.
i can't believe it! from the girl who thought she wasn't ever going to graduate from college, be a teacher, do something positive.
i'm doing it.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Sunday, April 17, 2011
i went to a funeral today. i didn't know the man who passed away well, but from what i heard from those who loved him, he was quite the guy. he had an impeccable sense of humor, loved all, and was a man who spread that love to every one he met. from what i heard today, he was an amazing man.
love. the common theme throughout the entire service. at this point, i'm not ready or willing to start a family (you're welcome, mom), but i am willing and ready to love. i sat through this service, my tearstained face becoming dry, and i thought, "that's it! i'm going to start loving people the way they deserve to be loved TODAY." i thought that i would drop all of the silliness and stress, and just love. let go of all of my grudges, forget about the shortcomings that we all have, and just love everyone.
i'll betcha God is laughing at me right now. of course, He provides the things we need to make changes in our lives, but the thing is, i have a heck of a lot of work to do. it's been a long time since i sat down and really took a look at myself and about those things i need to work on. in previous posts, i droned on and on about how important this relationship that i have with myself is, and how i was taking a hard look at myself and using the things i was learning to grow.
i don't know what stopped me from continuing and from getting so foggy eyed that i forgot. i forgot to look at those issues that i have with growing up, with loving someone else, with my relationship with God. i forgot to keep growing. i think i got so wrapped up in the many ever flowing issues that i've got going on, that i got lost. i lost myself and forgot about love.
this time of year, for me anyway, is a perfect time to recollect on love. for one thing, we're embarking on our Holy Week journey. we are taking the journey that Jesus took when He died for us on the cross. and that's only the beginning!
i was loved by Christ so much that He died on a cross, forgiving me all of my sins, so that I COULD BE FREE. i could be free of all of these issues that i have with myself. these issues that i'm encountering now, and those issues that rearise after years of healing. so, is Holy Week not a perfect time to acknowledge those things and deal with them?
this is not to say that i'm going to dwell on the fact that my life is a mess right now, that i'm relearning how to let someone into my walls, that i don't treat my friends exactly the way the should be treated, that i don't call my parents enough, or that sometimes, i have the tendency to be a real jerk. alas, i'm not dwelling. i'm simply acknowledging. in my previous post, you might have read those words that elizabeth gilbert wrote in (you guessed it!) eat, pray, love. she invited all of the hardship, pain, mistakes, and shortcomings into her heart and let go of them.
now, i'm not very good at letting go. i can certainly forgive, but i've got a witty way of bringing up old news rather well. it's not one of my best or most admirable traits. it annoys the snot out of me, so i can't imagine what it does to those i love. this is one of the issues that i must deal with. but by inviting all of this sorrow into my heart, i'm acknowledging that yes, i've got issues, but no, they aren't going to be the end all be all of who i am.
when i'm surrounded by my family, i feel my very best. this is somewhat surprising because i've always hated being compared to the doctor, the grad student, the world changer. but lately, i've realized, hey, i've got a lot to offer. but what is hindering me is that i won't allow myself to reach this potential. i know that i could be a great teacher. i know that i can counsel and be there for people. i know that i can write down and come clean with my emotions. i know i can make a kick ass casserole for someone who needs it. i know that when someone needs me (middle of the night, an after work trip to the clinic, ANYTHING) i can do that. i know that i can love someone to the moon and beyond.
so why don't i do those things? well. i know i can also be dishonest. i know that i can let my frustration get the best of me. i know that i can get irritated with those around me based on a completely different irritation. i know that i can push. i know that i can be greedy. i know that i can be ungrateful and rude. i know that sometimes, i don't think about the way my decisions affect other people. i know that i can be really shitty sometimes.
by the admission of my own sins (the ones listed here are just the beginning of a LONG list), i'm hoping to continue this work that i'm striving to continue. i'm a "wild haired work in progress" as i say...so i need to continue to work on this.
my dad pointed out that when i get stressed or in that freak out mode, i tend to push away those i love. i get defensive and put up this big wall so that no one can hurt me, when i am the one who is really hurting myself. i create such a dramatic experience for those involved that they'd think they were on "one life to live" or something. believe me, i acknowledge this. there are those weeks, or in this case, months, when you talk to me and you're never quite sure what you're going to get.
so. for this. i publicly apologize. i know that no one is near perfect, but on the cusp of this Easter season, i want to be the first to throw the stone. at myself. i'm no where near worthy of the love that i receive from those in my life and yet it is freely given. so know this. i am grateful. i am learning. i am working on it.
i locked my keys in my car this weekend--this is how distracted i've been. i left izzy outside when i let her out to pee. my car is a mess, my room is a disaster, and my brain...well, MUSH. however, here i am, trying to be humble and diligent in reminding myself of those things that i must focus and learn from at the end of this lenten season.
so, when i got home from this funeral, remember how i said i was going to love everyone exactly how they were, drop the dramatics, and just simply LOVE? hilarious, kaia. within 2 hours, i was acting the way that i specifically did not want to act. foolishly, thoughtlessly, and ridiculously. i guess what paul was saying in romans 7 matches me perfectly:
"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
lucky for me, even though i'm a slave to those thoughts, those actions, and those silly behaviors, i can continue to move forward. another common theme in my life.
"26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 1 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
HALLELUJAH!
so. here i am. a work in progress. thankful for the gift of the death and resurrection of a God who loves and will continue to love me through my sinfulness.
as a reminder to myself, here's a letter i got from my grandma. yes, there are things i need to work on. yes, i have my pitfalls. but here's someone in my life who thinks that I am a blessing.
Dearest Kaia,
We hope all is going well for you. I've heard you love practice teaching. That is such good news! If that is what you choose to do, you will do great at it. Whatever you choose to do, you'll do well. I KNOW! You are such a blessing to us, Kaia. We are so thankful for our whole family. Thanks be to God! Kaia, you are blessed to be a blessing. Love you always, honey! Grandma
Grandpa says: Go for it, girl! :)
so there you have it folks.
i'll keep fighting the good fight.
+kaia
love. the common theme throughout the entire service. at this point, i'm not ready or willing to start a family (you're welcome, mom), but i am willing and ready to love. i sat through this service, my tearstained face becoming dry, and i thought, "that's it! i'm going to start loving people the way they deserve to be loved TODAY." i thought that i would drop all of the silliness and stress, and just love. let go of all of my grudges, forget about the shortcomings that we all have, and just love everyone.
i'll betcha God is laughing at me right now. of course, He provides the things we need to make changes in our lives, but the thing is, i have a heck of a lot of work to do. it's been a long time since i sat down and really took a look at myself and about those things i need to work on. in previous posts, i droned on and on about how important this relationship that i have with myself is, and how i was taking a hard look at myself and using the things i was learning to grow.
i don't know what stopped me from continuing and from getting so foggy eyed that i forgot. i forgot to look at those issues that i have with growing up, with loving someone else, with my relationship with God. i forgot to keep growing. i think i got so wrapped up in the many ever flowing issues that i've got going on, that i got lost. i lost myself and forgot about love.
this time of year, for me anyway, is a perfect time to recollect on love. for one thing, we're embarking on our Holy Week journey. we are taking the journey that Jesus took when He died for us on the cross. and that's only the beginning!
i was loved by Christ so much that He died on a cross, forgiving me all of my sins, so that I COULD BE FREE. i could be free of all of these issues that i have with myself. these issues that i'm encountering now, and those issues that rearise after years of healing. so, is Holy Week not a perfect time to acknowledge those things and deal with them?
this is not to say that i'm going to dwell on the fact that my life is a mess right now, that i'm relearning how to let someone into my walls, that i don't treat my friends exactly the way the should be treated, that i don't call my parents enough, or that sometimes, i have the tendency to be a real jerk. alas, i'm not dwelling. i'm simply acknowledging. in my previous post, you might have read those words that elizabeth gilbert wrote in (you guessed it!) eat, pray, love. she invited all of the hardship, pain, mistakes, and shortcomings into her heart and let go of them.
now, i'm not very good at letting go. i can certainly forgive, but i've got a witty way of bringing up old news rather well. it's not one of my best or most admirable traits. it annoys the snot out of me, so i can't imagine what it does to those i love. this is one of the issues that i must deal with. but by inviting all of this sorrow into my heart, i'm acknowledging that yes, i've got issues, but no, they aren't going to be the end all be all of who i am.
when i'm surrounded by my family, i feel my very best. this is somewhat surprising because i've always hated being compared to the doctor, the grad student, the world changer. but lately, i've realized, hey, i've got a lot to offer. but what is hindering me is that i won't allow myself to reach this potential. i know that i could be a great teacher. i know that i can counsel and be there for people. i know that i can write down and come clean with my emotions. i know i can make a kick ass casserole for someone who needs it. i know that when someone needs me (middle of the night, an after work trip to the clinic, ANYTHING) i can do that. i know that i can love someone to the moon and beyond.
so why don't i do those things? well. i know i can also be dishonest. i know that i can let my frustration get the best of me. i know that i can get irritated with those around me based on a completely different irritation. i know that i can push. i know that i can be greedy. i know that i can be ungrateful and rude. i know that sometimes, i don't think about the way my decisions affect other people. i know that i can be really shitty sometimes.
by the admission of my own sins (the ones listed here are just the beginning of a LONG list), i'm hoping to continue this work that i'm striving to continue. i'm a "wild haired work in progress" as i say...so i need to continue to work on this.
my dad pointed out that when i get stressed or in that freak out mode, i tend to push away those i love. i get defensive and put up this big wall so that no one can hurt me, when i am the one who is really hurting myself. i create such a dramatic experience for those involved that they'd think they were on "one life to live" or something. believe me, i acknowledge this. there are those weeks, or in this case, months, when you talk to me and you're never quite sure what you're going to get.
so. for this. i publicly apologize. i know that no one is near perfect, but on the cusp of this Easter season, i want to be the first to throw the stone. at myself. i'm no where near worthy of the love that i receive from those in my life and yet it is freely given. so know this. i am grateful. i am learning. i am working on it.
i locked my keys in my car this weekend--this is how distracted i've been. i left izzy outside when i let her out to pee. my car is a mess, my room is a disaster, and my brain...well, MUSH. however, here i am, trying to be humble and diligent in reminding myself of those things that i must focus and learn from at the end of this lenten season.
so, when i got home from this funeral, remember how i said i was going to love everyone exactly how they were, drop the dramatics, and just simply LOVE? hilarious, kaia. within 2 hours, i was acting the way that i specifically did not want to act. foolishly, thoughtlessly, and ridiculously. i guess what paul was saying in romans 7 matches me perfectly:
"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
lucky for me, even though i'm a slave to those thoughts, those actions, and those silly behaviors, i can continue to move forward. another common theme in my life.
"26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 1 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
HALLELUJAH!
so. here i am. a work in progress. thankful for the gift of the death and resurrection of a God who loves and will continue to love me through my sinfulness.
as a reminder to myself, here's a letter i got from my grandma. yes, there are things i need to work on. yes, i have my pitfalls. but here's someone in my life who thinks that I am a blessing.
Dearest Kaia,
We hope all is going well for you. I've heard you love practice teaching. That is such good news! If that is what you choose to do, you will do great at it. Whatever you choose to do, you'll do well. I KNOW! You are such a blessing to us, Kaia. We are so thankful for our whole family. Thanks be to God! Kaia, you are blessed to be a blessing. Love you always, honey! Grandma
Grandpa says: Go for it, girl! :)
so there you have it folks.
i'll keep fighting the good fight.
+kaia
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"one by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves. i looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, and i acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain. and then i would tell that sorrow, 'it's OK. i love you. i accept you. come into my heart now. it's over.' i would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). then i would say, 'next?' and the next bit of grief would surface. i would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart, too. i did this with every sorrowful thought i'd ever had--reaching back into years of memory--until nothing was left.
then i said to my mind, 'show me your anger now.' one by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known. every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. i saw them all, one by one, and i acknowledged their existence. i felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and i would say, 'come into my heart now. you can rest there. it's safe now. it's over. i love you.' this went on for hours, and i swung between those mighty poles of opposite feelings--experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting.
then came the most difficult part. 'show me your shame,' i asked my mind. dear God, the horrors that i saw then. a pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. i didn't blink from any of it, though. 'show me your worst,' i said. when i tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, 'no--you don't want me in there...don't you know what i did?' and i would say, 'i do want you. even you. i do. even you are welcome here. it's OK. you are forgiven. you are part of me. you can rest now. it's over.
when all of this was finished, i was empty. nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. i looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and i saw its capacity. i saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. its love was infinite.
i knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell [on earth], except maybe in our own terrified minds. because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine--just imagine!--what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.
i also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. i knew that i was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness, and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. i knew that i would have to keep dealing with these thoughts again and again until i slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. and that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. but my heart said to my mind in the dark silence: 'i love you, i will never leave you, i will always take care of you.' that promise floated up out of my heart and i caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as i left..."
-elizabeth gilbert
still keeping the faith.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
then i said to my mind, 'show me your anger now.' one by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known. every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. i saw them all, one by one, and i acknowledged their existence. i felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and i would say, 'come into my heart now. you can rest there. it's safe now. it's over. i love you.' this went on for hours, and i swung between those mighty poles of opposite feelings--experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting.
then came the most difficult part. 'show me your shame,' i asked my mind. dear God, the horrors that i saw then. a pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. i didn't blink from any of it, though. 'show me your worst,' i said. when i tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, 'no--you don't want me in there...don't you know what i did?' and i would say, 'i do want you. even you. i do. even you are welcome here. it's OK. you are forgiven. you are part of me. you can rest now. it's over.
when all of this was finished, i was empty. nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. i looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and i saw its capacity. i saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all of those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. its love was infinite.
i knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell [on earth], except maybe in our own terrified minds. because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine--just imagine!--what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.
i also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. i knew that i was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness, and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. i knew that i would have to keep dealing with these thoughts again and again until i slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. and that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. but my heart said to my mind in the dark silence: 'i love you, i will never leave you, i will always take care of you.' that promise floated up out of my heart and i caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as i left..."
-elizabeth gilbert
still keeping the faith.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Sunday, April 3, 2011
"i've been thinkin' 'bout the lips i've been kissin', thinkin' of all i've done wrong. in my blessings i've counted, i've figured it out in my head--yeah it took me awhile, to figure it out. i've been stupid and blind, not to mention preoccupied with other things in my head. and your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me time, it will take me awhile. to figure out, but when i come around, oh, so hold me tight as you say love good night. plant a sweet one on my forehead. say i'll wait for your baby til you've grown, and maybe, we'll never be parted again. just figure out, you're my peace and serenity, my love and my perfect puzzle piece. we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning there's light, light, light. goodnight, goodnight. 'cause you're my peace and serenity, my love, and my perfect puzzle piece. we wake with the sun, we're so happy this morning. there's light, light, light. goodnight..."
http://www.myspace.com/beckyshaheen
ir's been a rough couple of days. these past few days have been filled with emotion and i can't say i'm sad to see this weekend go.
relationships are tough--regardless of who they are with. it's hard to read some one and know exactly what their expectations are and really deal with them when you learn what they are. it's hard to compromise when everything in you is begging you not to compromise one more time. it's also hard to learn how to put someone else's needs before your own.
i'm learning all of the gritty things about relationships in every aspect of my life at this moment. i am horribly crabby most of the time, due to lack of sleep and stress. i sometimes forget that there is even a bright side--let alone one in my reach. i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning because i am just so damn tired.
but tonight, i am sit with izzy in my princess bed and i feel at peace. i have a wonderful man in my life who is compassionate and patient with me and who i can actually fight with. when i say actually fight with i don't mean it in a derogatory sense. i've finally met someone who will fight with me and not leave. who will stay when the going gets rough and actually put up with me. believe me--i am not easy to deal with. i have so many issues that are unfathomable to some people and who might drive someone actually insane.
i've heard my friend becky shaheen perform the song above a couple of times and i've always liked it. however, with my current situation--it is so fitting. i'm not perfect, i screw up just as much as the next person. i'm not good at accepting apologies or forgetting issues after they have been put to rest. i have anxiety, i get jealous, sometimes i even yell. but "your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me..." is so fitting for every relationship that i have in my life. those with my friends and family--i'm student teaching and a wreck after school, but i appreciate your patience. i appreciate you all letting me call you for a 15 minute bitch session about nothing and the subjectivity that i receive on the other end of the phone. i appreciate the love and prayers i've gotten from my family. i appreciate the patience, the hugs, the reassurance.
i'm a working in progress, as i've always been, but lately, i've been recognizing things about my self that need a little bit more work than i thought they did. i know i have the capacity to love and cherish someone, but i didn't know i would suck so bad with apologies. i know that i can be the most carefree person in the universe, but i didn't think i would stumble around so much with letting something go. i am an optimistic person, so i didn't realize that i would be so worried that the universe was going to give me the short end of the stick (again).
there are these internal battles that i'm fighting about being in a relationship with someone. i've prayed someone like this for as long as i can remember, and i cherish all of the time that we spend together. i don't always act that way, however. sometimes, i act the exact opposite of how i feel. i act like a psychomaniac who literally has no frontal lobe. sometimes i just push so hard--and i don't know why--to see how far i can get before someone cracks. and for what? that's not going to get me anywhere.
i call people out for being too guarded and not letting me in all of the time when i haven't realized that my walls are just as high (if not higher) than those in question. it hurts to be this brutally honest with myself, but what a surprise, kaia's got issues.
i have found someone who could potentially be my "puzzle piece", who treats me well and is actually interested in me and my interests. listens when i'm upset, hears me when i am crazy, acknowledges my good points when i especially don't deserve it, and loves me regardless. what? and i react by being a psychomaniac. beating a dead horse. not letting go of things or allowing him to just love me.
i guess what we all have to do is just take that leap. while free falling, i have to figure out how to smush all of those negative, derogatory images from my mind and just be. what's the rush? i don't know why i need to see a finish line right now, i'm 22 years old. i should be enjoying my life and allowing some one in to enjoy with me without the added pressure of marriage, babies, RIGHT NOW. of course, those things are fun to imagine and talk about, but when did it become all about the future and not about right now?
so for those of you that i have pushed away or thought negatively about, please accept my apology and know that i am working on it. i'm a work in progress, i don't think i'll ever stop being that, but i also know that i am praying for the strength and clarity to be better for those that i love. i am working to become this person that i envision myself to be. there are going to be those days of struggle, yes, but the fact that i'm still fighting says something, right?
fight the good fight,
+kaia
http://www.myspace.com/beckyshaheen
ir's been a rough couple of days. these past few days have been filled with emotion and i can't say i'm sad to see this weekend go.
relationships are tough--regardless of who they are with. it's hard to read some one and know exactly what their expectations are and really deal with them when you learn what they are. it's hard to compromise when everything in you is begging you not to compromise one more time. it's also hard to learn how to put someone else's needs before your own.
i'm learning all of the gritty things about relationships in every aspect of my life at this moment. i am horribly crabby most of the time, due to lack of sleep and stress. i sometimes forget that there is even a bright side--let alone one in my reach. i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning because i am just so damn tired.
but tonight, i am sit with izzy in my princess bed and i feel at peace. i have a wonderful man in my life who is compassionate and patient with me and who i can actually fight with. when i say actually fight with i don't mean it in a derogatory sense. i've finally met someone who will fight with me and not leave. who will stay when the going gets rough and actually put up with me. believe me--i am not easy to deal with. i have so many issues that are unfathomable to some people and who might drive someone actually insane.
i've heard my friend becky shaheen perform the song above a couple of times and i've always liked it. however, with my current situation--it is so fitting. i'm not perfect, i screw up just as much as the next person. i'm not good at accepting apologies or forgetting issues after they have been put to rest. i have anxiety, i get jealous, sometimes i even yell. but "your patience is a gift i hope that you'll keep giving me..." is so fitting for every relationship that i have in my life. those with my friends and family--i'm student teaching and a wreck after school, but i appreciate your patience. i appreciate you all letting me call you for a 15 minute bitch session about nothing and the subjectivity that i receive on the other end of the phone. i appreciate the love and prayers i've gotten from my family. i appreciate the patience, the hugs, the reassurance.
i'm a working in progress, as i've always been, but lately, i've been recognizing things about my self that need a little bit more work than i thought they did. i know i have the capacity to love and cherish someone, but i didn't know i would suck so bad with apologies. i know that i can be the most carefree person in the universe, but i didn't think i would stumble around so much with letting something go. i am an optimistic person, so i didn't realize that i would be so worried that the universe was going to give me the short end of the stick (again).
there are these internal battles that i'm fighting about being in a relationship with someone. i've prayed someone like this for as long as i can remember, and i cherish all of the time that we spend together. i don't always act that way, however. sometimes, i act the exact opposite of how i feel. i act like a psychomaniac who literally has no frontal lobe. sometimes i just push so hard--and i don't know why--to see how far i can get before someone cracks. and for what? that's not going to get me anywhere.
i call people out for being too guarded and not letting me in all of the time when i haven't realized that my walls are just as high (if not higher) than those in question. it hurts to be this brutally honest with myself, but what a surprise, kaia's got issues.
i have found someone who could potentially be my "puzzle piece", who treats me well and is actually interested in me and my interests. listens when i'm upset, hears me when i am crazy, acknowledges my good points when i especially don't deserve it, and loves me regardless. what? and i react by being a psychomaniac. beating a dead horse. not letting go of things or allowing him to just love me.
i guess what we all have to do is just take that leap. while free falling, i have to figure out how to smush all of those negative, derogatory images from my mind and just be. what's the rush? i don't know why i need to see a finish line right now, i'm 22 years old. i should be enjoying my life and allowing some one in to enjoy with me without the added pressure of marriage, babies, RIGHT NOW. of course, those things are fun to imagine and talk about, but when did it become all about the future and not about right now?
so for those of you that i have pushed away or thought negatively about, please accept my apology and know that i am working on it. i'm a work in progress, i don't think i'll ever stop being that, but i also know that i am praying for the strength and clarity to be better for those that i love. i am working to become this person that i envision myself to be. there are going to be those days of struggle, yes, but the fact that i'm still fighting says something, right?
fight the good fight,
+kaia
Monday, March 28, 2011
i hope to never be this broke again.
i hope to never work three jobs again.
i hope to never want to pull my hair out so bad again.
ever heard the saying, "when it rains, it pours!"? that would be a snap shot of my life right now. i'm student teaching, taking classes, working, and i have a sick puppy dog with her period. too much information? MY BAD.
i have never felt so much anxiety in my entire life. i'm pretty good at putting on that "yeah, it's all good" bob marley sort of face, but in reality, i want to scream. i want to run around with my curly, wild hair, screaming. i'd like to give everyone a piece of my mind, curse periods of all sorts, all while picking $100 bills off trees.
woof.
i've felt off balance ever since i got back from a trip, and i don't know why i can't catch up to myself. i can't sleep, i'm rarely hungry, and from my short fuse, you can tell that i am a mess. i called my grandma the other day and left her a 7 minute voicemail. could i tell you what i said? something along the lines of being in a panic, having too much to do and not enough time, and then ending with "welp, i'll call you back when i'm more calm."
woof.
aren't college seniors supposed to be "living it up"? for me, this is the era of air quotes. i am "supposed to be" doing at lot of things right now that i can't seem to get a handle on. i can't talk to anyone about it because i fear they'll think i've finally gone off the deep end. i am up to my ears in bills, school work, and puppy. i can't keep swimming anymore. i'm trying to hold on, but really? could it stop anytime now?
woof.
the reality of the situation is that, no, it can't stop now. as sad as it is, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. i can't remember the last time i sat down and just sat instead of allowing each and every anxiety i have ever felt to crawl into my being. i have been having back spasms because i can't calm down.
where did the even keeled, calm, peaceful person go? oh yeah, i lost her at birth. the truth is, i think i've always been this way. it's just that lately, i've really let the crazy come out. thank god for those people who put up with the crazy, irritated, anxiety filled person that i am. it's funny because i know that in the end, everything always works out. i realize and definitely recognize the power of prayer and everything it does for me.
i'm just waiting on that big, lump sum of money i'm going to get. i'm waiting on my life as a stay at home mom (with the house, the suburban, and the children), i'm waiting on my next home, i'm waiting on izzy's period to go away, i'm waiting on graduation, i'm waiting on . . .
wait. i'm waiting on what? life to get easier? life to get better? i'm probably always going to worry about bills--i'm going to be a teacher for pete's sake. post graduation, there's still going to be things to do! people to please. izzy might have some more tough times down the road.
it's time for me to face the music. life is going to be difficult some times. it's not going to be a walk in the park--in fact, sometimes it's going to straight up suck. but that doesn't mean i have to have a negative attitude. it doesn't mean that i can't continue living. i'm going to survive. i have been through much worse. don't i end each and every blog post with "fight the good fight"?
take your own advice, kaia. continue fighting the good fight!
so, if you are a person who puts up with my shenanigans, laughs at me when i'm anxious, or just lets me be me, thank you. i love you. you are wonderful. please continue to keep me sane.
i need to stop waiting.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
i hope to never work three jobs again.
i hope to never want to pull my hair out so bad again.
ever heard the saying, "when it rains, it pours!"? that would be a snap shot of my life right now. i'm student teaching, taking classes, working, and i have a sick puppy dog with her period. too much information? MY BAD.
i have never felt so much anxiety in my entire life. i'm pretty good at putting on that "yeah, it's all good" bob marley sort of face, but in reality, i want to scream. i want to run around with my curly, wild hair, screaming. i'd like to give everyone a piece of my mind, curse periods of all sorts, all while picking $100 bills off trees.
woof.
i've felt off balance ever since i got back from a trip, and i don't know why i can't catch up to myself. i can't sleep, i'm rarely hungry, and from my short fuse, you can tell that i am a mess. i called my grandma the other day and left her a 7 minute voicemail. could i tell you what i said? something along the lines of being in a panic, having too much to do and not enough time, and then ending with "welp, i'll call you back when i'm more calm."
woof.
aren't college seniors supposed to be "living it up"? for me, this is the era of air quotes. i am "supposed to be" doing at lot of things right now that i can't seem to get a handle on. i can't talk to anyone about it because i fear they'll think i've finally gone off the deep end. i am up to my ears in bills, school work, and puppy. i can't keep swimming anymore. i'm trying to hold on, but really? could it stop anytime now?
woof.
the reality of the situation is that, no, it can't stop now. as sad as it is, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. i can't remember the last time i sat down and just sat instead of allowing each and every anxiety i have ever felt to crawl into my being. i have been having back spasms because i can't calm down.
where did the even keeled, calm, peaceful person go? oh yeah, i lost her at birth. the truth is, i think i've always been this way. it's just that lately, i've really let the crazy come out. thank god for those people who put up with the crazy, irritated, anxiety filled person that i am. it's funny because i know that in the end, everything always works out. i realize and definitely recognize the power of prayer and everything it does for me.
i'm just waiting on that big, lump sum of money i'm going to get. i'm waiting on my life as a stay at home mom (with the house, the suburban, and the children), i'm waiting on my next home, i'm waiting on izzy's period to go away, i'm waiting on graduation, i'm waiting on . . .
wait. i'm waiting on what? life to get easier? life to get better? i'm probably always going to worry about bills--i'm going to be a teacher for pete's sake. post graduation, there's still going to be things to do! people to please. izzy might have some more tough times down the road.
it's time for me to face the music. life is going to be difficult some times. it's not going to be a walk in the park--in fact, sometimes it's going to straight up suck. but that doesn't mean i have to have a negative attitude. it doesn't mean that i can't continue living. i'm going to survive. i have been through much worse. don't i end each and every blog post with "fight the good fight"?
take your own advice, kaia. continue fighting the good fight!
so, if you are a person who puts up with my shenanigans, laughs at me when i'm anxious, or just lets me be me, thank you. i love you. you are wonderful. please continue to keep me sane.
i need to stop waiting.
fight the good fight,
+kaia
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